Don't speak. Let me in.

(Calendar-}
{2003-05-20} {7:29 a.m.}

Sitting here dancing on dreams and such, I wish just once I could leave an entry that would be so captivating that I could leave someone speechless. I only have one tho that I can recall. Pamela put it nicely one day and told me it was just speechless. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to see what others so dominantly see in me. Do I feel a reason for moving on because of others, or do I really have a hidden secret inside of me that’s keeping me afoot and allowing me to make it through one more day.

Words taking place in my heart and mind leave me spellbound to find a better existence for myself, but I seem to fail for the things I am so desperately trying to grasp for. Today I was finishing up a review and I found the most captivating phrase towards the end. And ever since then I have been sitting here pondering if maybe the reasons she listed apply to myself as well. I have probably gone back and read her entry 20 times since I finished up her review.

Her reflections on trying so hard and willing to give it all to make something last reminds me of myself so much it hurts. Jaded-

The word holds so many meanings and as you search for one meaning it gives you another and the list continues to grow. But, I noticed as I went along that list I was every one of them.

Like exhausted leads to weary, and weary leads to worn-out then to useless. Me- I swear my name should be listed in there somewhere. Because that’s really how I feel. I’m tired of fighting so hard to try and accomplish things. I’m tired of trying to please others, rather than myself. Sure, I am pleased when I am able to help someone. But where in the midst of it all do I begin to please myself, on my own? I treasure everything every one or just one single person alone tells me…but, somewhere behind that curtain I begin to fade along my stage of a play. As I begin to recite a famous stance, the curtain falls and there I am standing alone in the dark again. I’m tired of being me. The me that I am now. I want to be the old me before things turned sour and unpleasant.

Bearing an attitude that should only be held for me, I tend to find myself trying too hard to win over other people’s affections, rather than working on my faults and correcting my lines that I have forgotten. Have I forgotten that I really am a nice person, and that I truly am loved by many? Yes I have to say I have- to a certain extent. Trying to scope out things through a tiny microscopic glass seems to become very unappealing to me anymore. The ranges of things within my grasp seem so much further away than I initially intended for them to be. It’s sad that you can’t rewind your life like a bad movie and fast forward to a better happier ending.

Maybe someday while reading Jette’s diary I will stumble across something profound and I will be able to rise up out of the dark again, and be able to find the “me” that is lurking behind closed doors, without peeking around the corners in the shadows any longer.

I want to love me for a change instead of relying on other peoples love to love me into a better version of nothingness.

I am just soo oblivious to my surroundings because I want to be captivated and loved by my peers.

I finally realized this morning that things aren’t going to be the way that I want them to be, and its time for me to move on. The only problem is that I need to let go of the past, and that’s my biggest hold back. Mary or some other person told me last night that I do indeed need to face my past so I can embrace it and heal and move on. Without doing so I will always have an ugly past rearing its horrid face into my present. Maybe I should try that today at therapy. We will see.

Thanks Jette for the amazing words you spoke in your diary. And thanks to Lora and everyone else as well. I don’t know where I’d be right now if it wasn’t for the friends I have in my life, encountering the new ones as well. You all hold a very special place in my heart, even tho you may not believe it or feel it, I know it is true. Because my heart feels it inside. My life is like a calendar of things forgotten and things to come....Someday I will be able to embrace life fully... without the fear of having to clinch back after I have extended my arms in a outreach to touch something...

And now here is the poem I wrote to myself and someone else…

Calendar of Saints-

Feelings threatened by shadows at dark
Vulnerable to the light,
Exposed to a thousand gashes
While traveling to a never ending tale
Of feeling guilty as jealousy rears
Suspicion misgiving to disbelief
Strengthens its ugly head
Notions becoming doubtful
Uncapping wisdom as it lies fixed
Motionless on a blanket of shed tears
Leaves unhealed slashes to scars blemished, unchanging
Ageless times vanish, but reappear
Disappearing into the night
From day to darkness
Like dawn is to the sunset
Evening falls by the twilights end
Beginning to part on a closed stage
As your emotions become a theater
Congested by a forgotten play
On a calendar elapsed by the present
And then you will see
That morning will come

Love you all-

preventry nextentry