Don't speak. Let me in.

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{2003-06-02} {6:39 p.m.}

This entry was originally set for Friday night at 12 a.m-

I hate it when people use my stuff i.e.: My computer. It pisses me off more than anything to know that I have been gone for less than 4 hours and come back to find a virus on my computer. The simple reason alone as to why I put a locked code and password on it. But no he just had to download a fucking picture on here and tried to cover it up by saying he deleted it. Excuse me asshole- just because you delete a file doesn’t mean its going to delete the virus too! Can we say unintelligent moron?! I don’t care how fucking sorry you are- because of you I have to get my computer restored to original shipping condition- which means 3 days of no services or communication with the people that mean the world to me. Because of your stupid ass I lose everything I have ever saved on here! Important emails, conversations, pictures, poems- my poems are everything to me- they are priceless compared to everything else. My most inner thoughts and emotions- wasted. I’m so hurt and pissed all at the same time. I have to resort to writing everything I feel on paper and my hand has carpal tunnel and it hurts like a bitch to write.

I hate it here! I have no privacy- absolutely nothing. I didn’t care that he got online and talked to people- I really didn’t. I hope he finds someone that makes him happy and they move in together and live happy fat ass lives. Anything as long as it has nothing to do with me.

It’s not that I’m going to have internet withdrawals or anything of that nature. My computer is my connection to my escape into my own life of lost emotions and sorrows- my release to my diary. - vanished. Every single entry that I saved that were never entered on purpose were mine to read and re-read as much as I wanted have been taken away. I hate you. You’re an asshole- and your mere whiney little “I’m sorry” won’t fix it or bring any of it back. I don’t care that you’re pouting like a baby and screamed the words “Fine! I’ll just never get back on it then” means nothing to me. When I say not to download anything from anyone- it means just that. It’s my computer. I deserve that much respect. You fucking ass. I really do hate your penile little excuses. All they do is exasperating me and your ignorance irritates me even more.

I refuse to cry and give you the satisfaction of knowing that you hurt me. You hurt me more with your lies. And you say you have changed? When, where, what day, how long and what time did this experience take place? I’ve been here 3 days and all I’ve felt is more torment more than any of the pain I have dealt with alone. Dealing with the trial is almost minimal compared to having to be in the same breathing space as you [and her]. Between the hurt, pain, and overflowing of bad emotions- you remind me of a bad acid reflux disease. “Stay away from things” is all I have heard you bitch and moan to the kids since I have been here. Did you never once think that the same rule applies to you as well? All you do is cancel out yourself and come across looking like a damn fool to me. What you do is tear my world apart and worry why I can’t love you more. All this hurt isn’t even worth it.

Welcome to your new home Chrissy.

Now I know you have probably never seen me rant so much about one person-well I can assure that it will probably get much worse and more to come. Just sit back and relax and enjoy the ride. I think I’m going to become an alcoholic. Yeah – liquor sounds really good to me right now- even drugs. I don’t care what kind- just get me some.

As far as the rest of the day I guess it was alright. I continued to find myself wandering back to Melody in my thoughts- a lot. And as you know my facial expressions are like reading an open book. Lois asked me more than once what was bothering me- I just refused to answer. Her response to my silent reply was “Is that so?” and all I said was mhmm and she still probed me for answers by saying “So you got everything straightened out now?” and I replied with a hushed “No, I wont know until she emails me back” and she laughed at me. Bitch. But I have a feeling that everything is going to be okay.

I wish my circumstances were different and I was able to adapt better to my surroundings. I’m just not used to kissing ass so much. I’ve been alone for so long – almost 9 months. I haven’t had to report myself to anyone- Except for my caseworker. And it even made me sick to suck-up to her. I want to find a peace of mind- and dry my tears so I can bring myself back out among the living. I haven’t felt like this in God knows how long. I can’t hide- but I’d rather stay gone. All I see where I am is a pair of lying eyes and set of thieves.

I’ve been driving and I’ve been thinking- I’ve seen a lot of things for the first time.

Leaving wasn’t so bad- but I’ve never run so far on empty and been so far gone before. Seems like the road to this blacktop never ends.

Even though Melody and I aren’t talking it doesn’t mean that I have forgotten her. She’s still here with me in my weakest moments. I recite her words over in my mind until they are bleeding through the course of my beating heart “Don’t give into other people. Do what’s best for you”

I am trying Mel; I really am. I miss you – a lot. Even now more than ever. Hopefully soon you will be better and stronger inside your wish for silence and everything else that you are dealing with will subside and we can talk again- just like all of the times before. I know I pissed you off earlier today- if it wasn’t a lot I know I did a little. My selfishness really showed through today and I have exhausted all resources of an apology. I can't take back what I have said and done. I know things will never be the same as they were- but who’s to say that it can’t be better? Hang in there- I know you can do it- I haven’t lost all faith.

Just don’t forget about me in your process of healing. I won’t forget you.

Well, I must go to bed now. I have yet another traumatic day to look forward to tomorrow. I will do my best to focus on better thoughts to keep me preoccupied. I must go and take this 2 paged diary entry written on paper and hide it somewhere until Monday or Tuesday. Hmm- perhaps I will sleep with it stuck inside of my pillow- yes, I shall unzip the zipper casing and place this hatred/emotionally slashed entry inside my dreams while I sleep. Yes. I think I shall.

preventry nextentry