Don't speak. Let me in.

(Nonentity.-}
{2003-03-30} {9:23 a.m.}

Well, yesterday was quiet uneventful.

Someone decided to set my garage on fire, and being that I am absolutely terrified of fires it took everything in my body to enter the garage without panicking to put the fire out. The smell still lingers inside of the house. The smell reminds me of the fire at Lois’ last winter. I can’t believe that I made it out of that fire. I’m not supposed to be here. I was supposed to die. Why am I still here? What is my purpose of still being here? If God does have something set forth before me I sure would like to know what it is. Is He testing me through my trials of depression? Is there such a test? If so I am right in the midst of it. With no way of being able to venture onwards to a better tomorrow. Why does He have me trapped? Why does my life feel like a game of scrabble? I scrape to put the words together to make my life have more meaning. But I continuously fail because I can’t find any definite meaning in my life. So as I stray away from my surroundings, I scatter the many words I can’t put back together. Leaving me to drift away, like the dust in the wind. I coast with a lifestyle, one that no one cares to recognize, leaving me all alone yet again as I try to grasp and hold onto the things that once meant so much to me. The fire from the house fire that day has forever left me scarred. I hadn’t even given any thought to it until yesterday. I didn’t realize how grateful I should be for being allowed to live out yet a little more of my life. Do I want to? [Possibly] Will I cherish it? [Always] What do I think the meaning of life is? Well, I don’t know the answer to that one. I probably never will either. Thinking about that question makes me think of Martin Luther King. I wish I could address issues in life as easily as he did. And, maybe it wasn’t easy for him. It just seems that way. The monotonous humdrum of my everyday functions seem to bore me as well as the people around me. I find myself wrapped up in the emotions of others, as well as in myself. How and why do I get the way I do? Is this my destiny? To walk along the path that we call life; scarring my heart and smoldering the soles of my feet from the intense heat burning my skin from within? I feel like my life is a fiery hell.

And yesterday just didn’t help any. I was walking down to my neighbors’ house and caught my son writing out in the road. Now it would have been okay if he hadn’t been writing vulgar language. Hence: Stop you fucking bitch! That is what he wrote out in the street disturbing traffic as it went by, people probably wondering to themselves “Where the fuck is that child’s mother?” Well, needless to say I talked to Jamie about it and he retorted “It was an accident, Mommy” And, I replied “Accident eh? Like it was an accident how you peed on your best friend, too?” And I said to him “I don’t care how old you are, or how young. Disrespect is disrespect. You cannot destroy the appearance of other people’s property. Just because you saw one person do it, does not mean that Jamie can do it, too” And he said “But…” And I said “But nothing. Get your ass out there and find a way to remove it.”

He took his scooter and rolled it up and down the hill of the road with his foot dragging across the words, laughing in the excitement of it all. And I said to myself: How can he be so amused by being punished? And, then the sadness crept in once again as I couldn’t recall a single fond moment from any of my childhood… hence the fire once again entering my mind and soul. Will it ever go away? Or will I just suddenly succumb myself to the pain and give in? I would surely hope not. I would miss out on way too much in life. Even tho I don’t particularly recognize my life as anything significant right now. Maybe as I get older I will see the true value of it all. I guess until then I will burn until I can find a way to free my spirit and learn to understand the true meaning of all of this.

Where did my happiness go that I was ready to embrace? Happiness, meaning Synthia. I wonder what she’s doing and what she’s thinking as she passes on thru to next week. I worry that she’s not going to want anything more to do with me. I do try to call her, but she’s never there, or something. [Sighs]

Hence I give into the fire again…fire with her is desire. But on the same channel of such fiery affections I feel the heat from my scars. I wish that she was here to wash these feelings away. I wish anyone was here to wash these feelings away. Someone, anyone….

Cleanse the hurt and drench the fire with a beautiful song of purity and happiness and set me free.

Poem for Tasha-

Stillness-

Autumn puts into words
Expressions of mist and rains
To the blistering of my heart
I once felt like I was living
As a Princess breathing in beauty
Lingo like lexis
My speech becomes unworthy
Significance losing its meaning

Splendor looking for passion
Brilliance of the raindrops
Give into magnificence
Radiance twisting on my tongue
My mind craves verbal communication
With feelings of vocalizations
Stalking my mind
I send a message to your heart

“Love me, hold me
Bathe me in your serenity
As I embrace your shower
Of thoughts, and tranquility
Your words roll from my dialect
Off of my lips
To a speechless idiom
Once again leaving me astonished”
C.Carlisle © 2003,Blue-Volumes

And, I am done-

-Days gone by-

preventry nextentry