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diaryland
(Thoughts and Emotions-}
{2003-09-24} {2:53 p.m.}
I could sit here and tell you that I'm beginning to feel alone, but then would you wonder how I could feel alone with my children, my job, getting an apartment on the first of October and moving along in what we would call my life. My life is dorment right now, and the only thing I feel is aloneness. Even through all of those surroundings your heart can begin feel weak, and your mind can wander- thinking about things that you've missed. Feelings, emotions... just everything. And then you begin to need. And, when you can't find that fulfillment you crave to fill that need, you begin to feel alone.
I know how it feels to want and need somthing so fearlessly, that you wish you just reach out and touch the one thing that would make you complete. And, even in despair when you know you can't, you continue to wish anyway.
Do I really think I can find my answers in you, here and there amognst all of the feelings resting on a cloud, waiting for you to touch them? Yes, I do. There's a connection between that hidden atmosphere and barrier that binds; and with that binding comes nurturing. I've been nurturung my feelings for a really long time- and, now I'm scared and worried. I can't help myself with the worrisome nights that pass to dawn, day in and day out. Wondering if you're okay. Starving myself with the knowledge of wanting so despertaley to know the truth if you're safe, or ill.
I read your last update, and I read and re read until-
Until I've begun to understand the meanings behind the screen of images your words create. I see you and when I do the more I understand the way I didn't understand, and then the more I understand my heart sheds tears under the moon.
Yesterday, in the way fuck early hours of the morning, when I should have had my mind set on my work, I was set on you. And, as I worked my shift thoughts of you never left me. I guess people began to notice the concentrated look on my face and I was seeing other things instead of being where I was supposed to be. Then I came here and saw a note left to me asking me where'd you gone; if you were dead, ill, or just didn't want to write anymore. I didn't know the answer- not completely, but what I did say was "No hon she isn't dead.. Ill .. hmm possibly inside of her heart maybe. She isn't herself lately" and I do believe that, however crass it may seem. I don't really "know" you, but I feel I know you. Is that hard to understand, because it's hard for me to explain.
However I wish upon my wishes, I'll always wish and wonder about you. I always will until I know you're safe. Even after that I will wish and wonder and worry. Love does a lot of crazy things to you. I never would have believed that before, until now.
Your last words to me were that you loved me, and you prayed that you weren't just anyone to me. Have I fulfilled your answer yet? Or do I still have you guessing; because everything I've ever felt for you only continues to grow. I don't think my emotions will stop... ever. And I don't want them to.
I know that I haven't written you in a really long while, and it's not that I couldn't. I've had the words to release and I still do, it's just hard to express them when I become tongue tied with overwhelming tides of thoughts and emotions. It's even worse when your mind begins to start turning that wheel with more thoughts, wheeling in more than you ever thought your heart could handle.
I said I love you and that I'd never leave you and I meant it-I mean those words even more now than I did before. A MY heart doesn't belong anywhere I won't let it be. You captured me from the very start, and I'll be damned if I'll turn and leave now.
Tonight when I'm all alone in my dreamy state, behind the dark clouds and the dazzling stars I'll see your face and watch you smile as I have so many times before. And then I'll be saying everything to you that I have said before- you'll always be my Babyface.
So, please forgive me for never being able to say what I can't. Words seem to fail me when it comes to me speaking from the heart. And I know actions speak louder than words; but words are all I have from here.
I found all of my silent entries I wrote to you. My Diamond Star,Chance,Pulse,If I could,Forbidden,Lavender,Musings,Shivers,Spirits,Creation,Waiting,Still here,Waitng for you,,Questions,Precious eyes,Rambling stars,Broken design,Help me,In the quiet of the night,Wings,Secrets,My heart, and I am sure you know the others.. Read them, and look beyond the mask of them, the wrods and see me- loving you, only you.
A hundred days had made me older since the last time that I saw your pretty face A thousand lights had made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same But all the miles had separate They disappeared now when I'm dreaming of your face
I'm here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time I'm here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams And tonight it's only you and me
The miles just keep rolling as the people either way to say hello I hear this life is overrated but I hope it gets better as we go
I'm here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time I'm here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams And tonight girl it's only you and me
Everything I know, and anywhere I go it gets hard but it won't take away my love And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done it get hard but it won't take away my love
I'm here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time I'm here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams And tonight girl it's only you and me
I'm here without you baby but your still on my lonely mind I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time I'm here without you baby but your still with me in my dreams but tonight girl it's only you and me