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(Constance-}
{2003-09-17} {12:05 p.m.}
As I was sleeping last night I fell into a fanciful little dream and was asked questions about a certain many things.. one in particular I remember and I remember my answer.. In the dream I was laying across the floor with my head on Jessie's lap as she looked down at me and asked me something.. "If you had a chance to go back and love and live again how would that affect you and me? If you could face life instead of passion how would love affect you.. think about those things and get back to me.." I closed my eyes and drifted off into somewhere.. I just dont know where I was. But when I figured out the answer and was ready to tell her, she all but disappeared. Anyway here's my answer...
There are so many things in life that affect us all, either by scratching our ass or picking our nose, to giving someone a hug, or just by being in a persons' life; we all have effects. Each effect is like a rippling motion that feels and moves outward and as we try to make the balance in between that rippling effect we learn to know passion and life and love. Sometimes emotions turn to lust but often times it leads to passion, that feeling that makes you weak in the knees, forming a bubble of sighs in your emotions as you try and release the lump of it through your throat. Then those emotions turn and spread; growing to love and loving is one of the greatest affects mankind can ever offer two souls. Those moments of feeling passion turn on the waterworks wheeling passion and lust and happiness all into one. You can't escape that feeling of feeling just so good inside, and the one person that created the seed of it, planting it and continuing to water it with their love for you in constance making it grow even more.
Your body becomes accustomed to that feeling of exasperated excitement and churns to live off of it. You don't want to let it get out of control, but only want to nurture it. And by nurturing it begins to burn and form a fire of belonging. You want to belong to that one person that created every one of those feelings inside of you, so you can become one seed of happiness; love and life. Sometimes I wonder if I'm capable of doing just that. Will I nurture it and let it grow, or will I get lost in the sea of waves of feeling too much? I don't think so. I think I know that I am happy right here where I am. Being in my special moments of solitude, they aren't a secret anymore.. and I only want to be where I am... moving on, even learning to escape the monster that returned ... I will make it, and I will survive once again... I'm even going to finish writing my book.. so this is definitely my time to bask in the shade of progress, oh the simple glory of it all. Jessie you will never know how much you truly help me inside, and out. Love is more than I ever thought of it to be. I never took the time to realize how much it means once you take a step back and really look at yourself and your surroundings, with or without that special person in your life. I never realized that I could love the way I have always wanted to be loved. Hugs and kisses are almost moot compared to feelings and emotions. Now thats something to think about isn't it.. but even now and again just to touch would be heaven...
Now about my job. whoee.. I went off on a chick there yesterday for being so demanding. I didn't think I had a bad temper anymore, but I guess I did when I heard myself telling her to shut the fuck up.. and yes, she did just that. Odd how I praised myself in that little shiny moment of nothing, but I felt liberated enough to say what I wanted and she paid dearly for her mistake of pretending to be my boss. Which she is not.. she's just the lowest person on the totem pole there like me, but I wont take foolishness or demands from a two bit nothing who seems to thinks she owns the freaking place.. it's just Hardee's for crying out loud.. its not a fucking palace... its a place to work and be grateful to have a job to pay your way in life. Your life that revolves around happiness, passion, life and love. You can't begin to live until you learn to love.