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diaryland
(Dear Melody-}
{2003-05-24} {9:08 a.m.}
After I read your entry today I was overwhelmed with a ton emotions going through me like a caustic tidal wave. Your words came crashing down and I sought after ways to reach out and hold you. But how could I? You live so far away. Even though our friendship is based on internet lines; it is still just that. I know how hard it is to be able to see what others see, which we cannot see in ourselves. I think I am the most unworthy person in the world, therefore feeling like I should be completely friendless. But, I'm not and then I stumbled across you. I feel that I am extremely lucky to have the friends I do have. And you- well, there's just no other way to describe my feelings.
Someone once told me "It’s important to remember that while one last puff of hot air or one more brick of dead weight finally succeeds in lifting the balloon off the ground, the rise would not have been possible without all the preliminary effort of others. We tend to give too much credit to the one event that seemingly sparks transformation. In fact, it’s the "Accumulation of effort" that gets the balloon in the air. And more effort is required to keep it there."
I never looked at myself, or my life in a form of a balloon. I always saw my life as a mixture of weaknessess of things I failed to accomplish, because I gave up too quickly. I find myself pondering deep, long questions as I try to move forward in my day to day syntax of life. Thus still never finding the answers I am so greatly trying to find...therefore tending to make me feel like a failure once again, causing more broken scars.
Scar... the word signifies so much meaning, yet no one will ever know just how much. Some can remind you of happiness and great achievements, or they could remind you of a past broken life style. Mine reminds me of my childhood, because that's all I see and feel; yet I am still able to write with so much emotion and feeling, I think that should have been lost when I lost myself. My scars leave me feeling exposed to more vulnerable moments. It's hard for me. I try to better myself with good thoughts of better things that may come across my path in life, but everything I dream of fails at my fingertips.
No matter what people tell me I will always feel like I’m just a blank person behind a screen, filling an empty page with feelings, memories and emotions. Maybe it is with those emotions that people are able to capture the real me that I cannot see. It doesn’t mean we aren’t what they see us as.
You may categorize yourself as what only you see yourself as, but it isn’t going to change the way I think of you. You truly are an inspirational person in people’s lives. Not just mine; but in others as well. It’s not the way you see yourself- it’s the way others see you. You truly are everything others describe you as. Honest. If it wasn’t so I don’t think we would all be busting out of the woodwork at the same time. Even though it’s strange to be happening all at once; all of us united in union describing one person [you] can be overwhelming, and all at the same time exciting. I would cry forever if someone ever described me the way all of us are describing you. I wouldn’t be all big headed about it-[well maybe just a little] I would just be emotionally happy. Seriously- I would be flattered beyond anything else. And I know that you are too, it’s just rather hard to see yourself as what others see you.
I know that we haven’t known each other that long, but I have been able to capture the way you make me feel when I am talking to you- and the way I described it yesterday- it’s pretty damn close honey.
I’m sorry that I scared you off and made you run away, and I knew that it was overwhelming too- but its also overwhelming for me. Believe me when I say you have an awe-inspiring power that is just awesome. You never say anything negative about me- ever. And you have always helped me get through whatever it was that was bothering me. Never have you said – No, Chrissy. Not right now, I’m too busy. You have always put your own emotions aside to help me. And for that I am most grateful. You will always hold a special place in my heart- always. Just like Pammie, Paige, Lora, Jessie and some others. It’s just that each of you have your very own special qualities. But yours seems to embrace me more. I am sorry that this is all too much for you. I wish that it wasn’t and that you could hold yourself better, but you know what?? Maybe it’s a good thing to hear so many great qualities about yourself- at such a bad time in your life. Hold on strong little lady. You are going to be just fine.
And if you ever need a shoulder to lean on or hand to reach out to hold you- I will be here. Always.