Don't speak. Let me in.

(I see your lips moving but all I hear is "blah blah blah"-}
{2003-06-05} {11:04 p.m.}

Where do I start off with in this entry- hmm well, I really don’t know. I guess I could start off by telling everyone that I am not leaving here- just leaving certain things behind. I read something today that made me realize its time for me to step up and take a stand for who I am and stop worrying about who wonders, cares, or just about anything else when it comes to me. I am here for me and no one else. If I leave you with a wonderful thought when you leave here- splendid. If not- I can’t say that I am sorry. Because I’m not sorry for anything any longer.

I ramble a lot about nothing most of the time anyway. Put my heart out on the line to be received into a black mass of shitless dreams. Feel rejection towards the end and then hate myself for doing it all in the first place. No more of that. I came to a decision tonight while I was upstairs watching the movie Abandon- I’m not going to attach myself to people anymore. I never really even mean to in the first place. It just happens before I can control it- now if I can presently get myself to believe the lie I just told I will be pretty well off. There’s another lie.

I read somewhere that people need to rid themselves of negativity and replace all of that with the positive things in their life. How true, how true. The person that wrote that has a lot of insight and I’m glad that she’s as strong as she is.

Now onto the rest of things-

Today was shitty- all around.

I made issues out of things that didn’t need to be and well – yeah. I need to feel like I'm going somewhere... and if you're going in circles you're going no where. Lost in the passage of time going nowhere is what I call it. Things will never be as simple as we want them to be. We have to hurt in order to heal to become better.

I’ve shattered away my emotions thus far and I don’t want to hurt people any longer. It’s draining them and its exhausting me. Things are becoming too difficult and I really need to center my attention where it needs to be rather than focusing on things through the internet.

I used to think and say that part of my sadness/ depression had nothing to do with the people I talk to over the internet but I do believe I was mistaken.
I’m going to take myself away from all of that now. If I have hurt you by my decision I can't take it back- only try and understand that if you don’t see me online its for a purpose and I need to move on now. Just be patient with me as I try and move on.

It’s going to take me some time to get myself back together- and here I am apologizing again.
Stop it Chrissy. No one cares. Be yourself for crying out loud!

I’m dancing to a silent ballet all alone and I think I like the loneliness right now- so far it’s been my comfort zone.
I need to do things for me just this once instead of concentrating on the things that aren’t important- i.e.: strenuous things that are draining me like a ghastly disease. I need to heal before I can focus on hurtful things. And that is what I need. Composure, calm and no more shame…

preventry nextentry