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diaryland
(Speaking out-}
{2003-09-04} {9:45 a.m.}
Well, all I can do is start from where everything left off.
You know that in July I had to move from where I was because of that woman not paying rent (even after I gave her money) and then the money I gave her to hold onto afterwards mysteriously disappeared out of her account.. not believeable enough for me. Somehow I don't..*can't* believe that 300 dollars just accidentally comes up missing... not without a little help. So you remember that little story about that night going out and getting drunk and me taking something from her? Well, yes I did take something... I took her ATM card and took the rest of my money out of her account. She never even knew it... it took her 4 days just to realize that she locked the card up in the ATM herself, after she came down from her what-ever-it-was she was on to notice money was gone. But that's not all.
The day before the move into the rescue mission Lois and I were sitting out back (her crying and me just sitting there) as she went on about wanting to kill herself. After so much time away from her I realized who and what it really was that brought me down before, after I found out what happened to Jamie and the girls... besides having to cope and deal with the fact that my kids had been sexually abused, I was trying to deal with her (when I was living with her) constantly trying to control me and the fact that she was nothing but a downer for me.
After the house fire I went my own way. I knew it was for the best and that things would be better without her in my life. But things never work out the way you plan them do they? About a month or 2 after I got my own place she brought people to my house and was looking in my windows and God knows what else. I dont' tknow..? Prying? All I know is that after that day I took out a restraining order against her.. some would call it an OP (Order of Protection) Sure that worked for a little while, but not long.
The kids wanted to see her; so after the 5 months had passed and the order ran out, I let them see her. I didn't see her, just the kids.
That's when all of the things I had focused on in my life to change had started to go in the opposite direction. Problems escalted and my meds were way out of control... I couldn't take care of myself, my kids or anything. Couldn't even clean house... I was a walking zombie. Pretty soon word was out that Chrissy was a drug pusher and user. My case worker became an intolerable bitch and well.. that's where things get a little fuzzy for me.
You know that Lois was this mother-like figure in my life for a long time and about 3 years ago she over stepped her boundaries as that mom and best friend line by telling people (her tenants) about my childhood; things that I may have told you a long time ago. I told her those things in my own privacy and in confidence that she told me she would never utter a word of it to another soul. She lied to me and told people- especially 3 people I truly disliked. I don't think I ever wrote about this in my diaries, partly because of others telling me to grow up and move on and other parts that were personal - always hoping that I could find some part of me on the inside to forgive her for her wrongs. But I couldn't and I didn't. Does that make me a bad paerson?? I tend to hope not - there are a lot of people out there in the world that can't find it within themselves to forgive someone.
There were so many times when I thought I could trust her again and she always took me at my weakest points and lied to me, or hurt me again. She always knew how to manipulate me and towards the end I wanted "out" of our friendship. I did let her go - but I knew towards the end that I could "use" her to my advantage by letting her think that we were friends and got the help that I needed. I felt that she owed me so much for the hurt that she put me through in 10 years. And after the house fire she let her children accuse me of setting fire to her house and let them blame me and she never defended me towards them. Did I really expect her to? Yes... somewhere deep inside I did. I would have for her.
All through the 10 years we had known each other I had always stood by her and defended her to everyone; even when I knew she was wrong. I thought that I played the part of being the friend that I was supposed to be to the hilt and then some. But she never returned the favor to me. So in the end (recently) after I lost the kids to Ben I knew that the only way I could see them was to ask her if I could move in with her and try and work out my problems. Things were going well for a while and then something happened and she was always talking about suicide and you know me and know that I would put my problems aside to help anyone... and I did so many times that she literally burned me out in the end. Towards the last 2 weeks before I decided to move out of state, she talked constantly of doing herself in and I just couldn't listen to it anymore. Once I almost told her to go ahead and do it - but I didn't. I just began to feel more resentment towards her.
I fear what she has done now that I left and moved on (ha) - but I had to leave. I didn't want to be her "crutch" anymore - I tried to help as much as I could but she was really starting to drain all of my efforts of being a better me. I lost myself. And in that process I lost all self control of caring anymore. I got to that point where I didn't care if she hurt herself, or got hurt by another person. I hated her. And I still do.
I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't put myself through that anymore and I refused to be called a coward. I feel like I came out the winner in this situation, other than my lying to Lois telling her that I wasn't going to leave and that we were going to move in together and go into business. I led her to believe what she wanted to believe. I never promised her anything - not once and I guess that's why I don't feel so bad about moving. She has her own family even though she says that they don't want anything to do with her... I am sure they do. She has 3 grandchildren and 2 sons and an adopted daughter (whom she never sees). Both of her sons are married and have children; but that doesn't mean they will shut her out of their life forever. She's just not looking at things in the right perspective.
One day about 9 weeks ago she asked me to give her a reason to stay here and I told her that her family was her main reason to keep on living and she just laughed at me and it pissed me off. How could she just dismiss her own family that way? I am not her family and she wanted me to tell her to stay because of me, Ben and the kids.. I eventually told her what she wanted to hear... but I didn't mean it. I don't want to feel obligated - not meaning that in a bad way; but I hope you understand the gist of it.
I do not want to be the essence of her existance and I refuse to let her put that on me. I may sound cruel and heartless but I won't be the one to blame because she fails at something. And that's exactly how it was for 10 years. She is her own person and she's 57 years old - I don't need be her teacher. She should know enough about life by now to know how to move on.. with her own family.
I hope you don't dislike me because of that.. and I am sure that you don't.
You have an open mind and I am sure that you can understand what I am trying to say...all other words wouldn't be mine if I tried to explain myself any further.
(I still have a lot to say.. but I won't say anymore until later) Sorry..