Don't speak. Let me in.

(Dear Pammie-}
{2003-06-04} {4:56 p.m.}

I wanted to paste this in here because it means that much to me to do so-
if you don't like it- leave, It's just that simple.

"It is only in the giving of oneself to others that we truly live."

Hey Blossom-

I miss you too and I'm so sorry that I haven't been here for you like I should be. Like you I have been dealing with a lot of things too. And yes it does suck especially when the two of us are always looking for that inspiration of comfort from each other- I miss that but I miss you even more. I wanted to email you a letter but then thought against as I began to think that I don't really give two shits what people tend to think of me. Or about me anymore. All it does is creating drama around or in my life and I don't like drama anymore- even you know that.

I'm ready to be who I want to be and locking my diary away from the people that created harm for me is the best decision I have made thus far. Only this time I don't know how long it will stay locked- or if I will begin to stay in contact with it- or like you suggested drift off to some other life of a diary elsewhere- with you here- I miss you- my family.

I wish that things were already taken a better course of happiness for you- it hurts me to read and see how much you are still hurting on the inside. And I realize how much I hate it here being controlled and watched every 5 minutes- being asked where I am going. I’m 33 for fuck’s sake. If I want to be here to help you I shouldn’t need to ask for permission.

I’m moving out of the state in about a month- although I haven’t completely chosen the place I wish to go to yet. I’m swaying towards Georgia. Does that surprise you? Do you remember who lives there?
I know if you think about it hard enough you will figure it out.

And as far as your being here to help me you are always here- you haven’t faded out of my life- just because I haven’t written about you doesn’t mean I don’t think about you. Didn’t I ever share the thought with you of how I carry around your shadow in my pocket?

Yes I created this little card that I made that has a picture I drew on it with an angel with her wings outstretched towards a shadow [that being me] embracing the person behind the shadow through uninviting tears and rays of hues shining in the background. I put your name at the top of it and mine at the bottom with a little phrase.
“Friendships are what make friendships come or pass. But it’s a friendship like mine and yours that will outlast all the rest”
I’ve waited my entire life to find a friend like you- one that’s open and honest and well yeah- you know a lot about me. I can open up and be myself with you and never have to worry about the age difference.

I read something today that made me think of you-
I’m going to share it with you now ok?

“We all have the answers within us. To draw them out, we need only ask the right questions. This helps us shift perspectives.
Consistently asking ourselves questions on a single theme will maintain a gentle tension for growth. It is like keeping the heat on under the pot to keep the water boiling.
Questions make us think more deeply, challenge old perspectives and limited viewpoints, and identify the real issues.
No matter what you are working on in your life, we have the right theme for you. Get control. Bust emotional blocks. Develop your mind. Connect with the divine. Manifest abundance”

I have known it for a long time but I have only just experienced it. Now I know it not only with my intellect, but with my eyes, with my heart, and with my stomach”

As I was reading these words you kept lingering in and out of my mind and my heart seeped with sadness as I wished that I could just reach out touch you just once to know that you are as real as what my physical nature feels. You don’t have to be what others make you out to be with their skepticism and unworthy praise. They want you to be everything that they couldn’t achieve. Be what you want to be and be happy for whom and what you are.

I will never try and put a label on you- and I hope that I already haven’t. Doing so on another person has already given me enough grief to learn my lesson in where I need to set compliments and praise and where not to.

You already know what I think of you and I don’t have to have you prove yourself to me. You are the greatest friend ever- and never once think that I think anything less of you. Simply because it will never take place anyway.

I love you Cheeka Cheeka.

"...the sources of the truest truths are inevitably profoundly personal."

Mother goose. A.k. a Your Chiquita banana.
[Heartness]

preventry nextentry