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(Who’ll stop the rain?-}
{2003-04-29} {10:28 p.m.}
Well, I guess it’s time to finally reveal the things I have kept hidden for a while.
A few weeks ago, my ex husband got full custody of my boys…the day that happened tears fell around the world. I couldn’t even turn around and say goodbye. I wished at that very moment I could guarantee them that everything was going to be okay, and that they could see me anytime they wanted. But, I couldn’t even do that.
My caseworker was watching me like a hawk that day. Bringing even more torment into my life, because she wouldn’t give me any privacy with my own children. I hated her even more at that moment; for stealing my precious goodbyes with my boys. She seemed like she was in such a hurry to take them away from me. And just like that; before I could even blink my eyes, they were gone. I cried for days. Eyes burning red; as I tried to face the reality of losing something so precious to me. It’s been a horrific shock to me, and no one knows how to replace my pain with happiness. I have tried to do better in my writings I.e.: Poems. Etc.
I can’t wash away the pain, like I could when it came to me; like before. I think I was trying to replace my hurt, with feelings of wanting and needing to be loved from the two special people that entered my life, at such a precarious time. Their words filling me with hope; but it only lasted for such a short while. And then realizing how my love wasn’t returned only made me fade away even more relentlessly. I feel so distant from me and the outside world. I can feel myself starting to withdraw from all of my surroundings, and I can’t do that. I know in my heart that there are two people that really love me, Pamela and Jessie. [Insert desperate cry for help here]
I read Jessie’s entry tonight, and felt a pang of jealously sweep over me. Twitching it sent spasms through my heart. I find myself wishing for things that I know that will never come. I have destroyed so much in my life, in such a few short matter of time. Strange how something so small can feel so huge; breaking me, I find myself falling rapidly; desperately trying to grasp onto something with a little more life within its existence. This is where I think: Where does my new world begin? I wish I could climb a mountain and touch the clouds above, I want something in return. Or go to Heaven and touch God’s face. I’m nothing but a sinner who weeps. I’m tired of my heart being crucified.
Who’s going to stop the rain from falling all around me? It’s in my path as I strive to persevere. I would give up everything to go back 15 years to correct all of the wrongs I made in my past. I don’t want the world to see me suffering, because I don’t think it will understand. I think I bleed just to know that I’m alive.
I just want someone to know who I am. The real me, with no suffering; without the inhibitions of a no name superstar. I feel such a false luminous star protruding through the night, seeking my happiness. The happiness that I can’t find to make my star glow; repeatedly without the fear of unknowing.
I wonder if my star knows that I would give up forever to touch her. Just to know that she feels the same way I feel right now. But all I can breathe is the stinging sadness of depression as it sends a wave of tears over me, knowing that my broken heart can’t fight them back. I just want you to know who I am…
A field of tunes plays a song in my mind, reminding me of the beautifulness I can only remember when I held my children for the first time as they entered my life, creating such an awesome ray of light. Where is that light now? I once used to be everything that they are. I find myself trying to reach for that star that used to shine so brightly above me, but I can’t seem to grasp it. I can only feel it slipping away even faster as I feel my fingers trying to smooth out the edges of my life. I’m slipping away under the rain that’s falling from the sky, washing away everything I once was.
Who’s going to stop my rain? Wash away my cries? I’m tired of sheltering myself.
Even though I can feel my resistance I will keep on fighting til the end.
There’s no time for losing because I am a champion.
Ignorantly blissful?? I wish I was.
Wait…wait… I never had a chance to love you…and, I only want to say I love you, one more time.
-Hold me Now-