Don't speak. Let me in.

(Misplaced inside my own verbal communication-}
{2003-05-22} {12:45 p.m.}

"I'd Love To Go Back To When We Played As Kids,But Things Change,and That's The Way It Is... Things'll Never Be The Same"

I know we all dance to the same beat when we we're marching. And this picture of life is painted in all the fashions of the age; but history will always stay the same. We all try to change and make a difference but behind our walls there is always that lingering feeling of the past. It’s always going to be there, and never fade way.

I know that everyone who comes here is usually looking for something profound or wonderful for me to say- but I just don’t have that kind of inner skill within myself.

I usually spend my days reflecting on things trying to find a way to silently embrace them so I can move on with things. What sucks is that I can’t comfort anyone anymore. I try and try and feel like such a failure. Consequently bringing myself down in that flood of sadness again.

I read so many sad entries between yesterday and today. Lingering in the back of my mind was the thought of “I wonder of it has anything to do with me?” So I post notes or messages and get nothing in return. That in itself makes me feel like a big worthless mass of nothing.

Everything lately is getting to me and my inner person can’t take it. I wanted to take my kids to Canada for vacation- I was denied that too. Nothing I do turns out the way I expect it to be. Seems like every time I try to complete a goal I have set for myself, right when it’s within my grasp, it all turns to shit. I am so alone by myself with no comfort of another person beside me. I have even been thinking about getting back with my ex just so I can be closer to my kids.

I want to move too. I have been thinking about moving to Michigan. I hate that I hate things about myself. I hate that cant move on by myself. I hate that I feel so rejected and alone all of the time. I hate trying to gain affection from others, and end up pushing them away.

I hate feeling like that every entry I write I don’t write for myself and end up feeling like I am writing for an audience, because its what they expect of me.

I’m lonely, scared and afraid to sleep at night. I am constantly having nightmares that don’t surpass me until the early hours of the morning. I wake feeling completely drained with no feeling to want to fight for anything. I even hate that I’m addicted to my diary. I can’t stand it that I’m hiding my emotions. The only time my emotions really come out is when I am alone and writing something for someone else. I feel like the emotions I use to describe them is really me describing myself in a third form. Posting words upon a screen to encourage another person always gets me down- because usually the things I say only last for a short minute, and then they are off and feeling sad again. Do you have idea how that makes me feel as a friend?

I want to get back in the play, as an alternative of feeling like I am left in the outfield.

So far it’s been a no win game. It’s been 2 strikes. One more and I lose the game. For ever.

I’m just another mind speaking in silent form waiting to recognized- I’ve lost my own fine motor skills.

preventry nextentry