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diaryland
(A Circling Promise to the Heart}
{2003-09-09} {10:12 a.m.}
I can't send you flowers or a love potion, or faeries on wings. I can't make you love me more, or make the music start alone even though you're still lingering in my heart. I can't hum tunes to you even though there's a silent song playing in my mind. Many times over, I have ran the words through my mind, thinking of the things I could say or do. But to myself it seems like everything I could use would be useless, but still I must try.
I have nothing left to offer but my heart, and I'm about to expose it to you- bare naked...
I knew I'd been abrupt and rude, possibly even cold and I had convinced myself that what had been between us was done. I even began to mourn for it. But still here you are, bringing me fantasies and dreams and speaking softly in my ears. It's such a pleasure to slide back into the routine of my dreams, meeting you.
Your words are soft, and your body warm. To be needed is such a miracle, so much more important than sense or modesty. There's a tenderness in your hands as you stroke me, heating my blood. Your mouth brushing over mine, the whispering of promises, undressing me without hurry and letting your hands touch and linger until it seemed my skin hummed. You could have feasted, but instead only sipped as you pressed your lips to my shoulder. Long, luxurious kisses that shuddered into my soul and drew soft moans. And at each moan you went deeper. You could have ravished, but instead you seduced. Slow, tender caresses that slid over my skin and sent it quivering. And at each quiver, you lingered.
I lost myself in you, in the delightfully dizzy mix of senses and sensations. Cool grass and warm flesh, fragrant breezes and husky whipsers, delicate hands and patient lips...
the shock of pleasure was so intense, so unexpexted after the tenderness my body reared up, half in protest, half in delight. This time it wasn't a moan that escaped me, but a scream. You gripped me for balance as my world went mad.
You whispered to me "Tell me you want me inside of you and no one else" I was franctic, all but weeping as I repeated the words to you "Only you and no one else"
Then our bodies began to rock, to move, to seek. The power was ours as our bodies rose and fell to the pace as our muscles trembled in the darkness of the night.
That is the dream I have continuously- it's a bold step, and I've taken a lot lately. There isn't anything wrong with it. Maybe it's foolish and impractical, but it isn't illegal.
Odd that I never realized this is so much what I want. I suppose I didn't realize it because I never let myself really wish for it. Now witout even the wish, here it is- along with you. That's a kind of magic isn't it? Every bit as much as faeries and spells and winged horses. I'm accepted here, not for what I do, or where I come from, or where I went to school. I'm accepted for who I am. For who, more importantly, I'm finally letting myself become.
And then I run away - I run from my dreams, aspirations of things I want to be, and I run here- to you.
Oh, God, oh, God I hate this. Why couldn't I ever just admit it, say it out loud? I don't want to do this, don't want to be this. I want something else. Nearly anything else would do.
How did I become such a coward, or worse, so pitifully god damn boring? Why do I, even now with no one to answer to but myself, question the smallest things that please me so much? When certain things just give me such satisfaction. Can't I just for this little piece of time, indulge myself with something that doesn't have any solid, guaranteed practical purpose or goal?
I want to have fun again, remembering the things that used to make me laugh, forming a smile that creased my face as my lips would cruve into charming others. That quiet, yet simple grace I used to carry within me. I miss it- more importantly- I miss me. And, now all I want to do is find my way back, back to the beginning before things took a turn for the worse, and soured right before my fingertips.
Strange isn't how you were the one who changed before I was gone. These past 2 months have been hell for me. I miss you, but the connection and beauty I feel for you only grows stronger. And I knew without a doubt that you'd be here waiting for me when I returned. God, I love you...
I wish I could use the words that fit, but I don't how. All I have is this:
I can't weave a spell
Upon your heart
I don't dance
Or float on a cloud
I can't sing a tune
Before you carry me
Inside of your dream
I can only feel the magic
That's trembling inside of me
Dazzling me with a hint of wildness
That still glints your stormy eyes
I can't brush you off of your feet
Or promise you glittery things
I only posses the emotion of passion
That is intended for you
This tenderness that softens
The glow of your skin
This feeling that keeps your heart steady
Stady and quiet and calm
I pause, waiting for the fears and the doubts
But you only bring me joy
Don't you see?
I've got words
I've got barrels of words,
But I just don't know the ones
To use with you
Because my life's in the balance.
Words have magic, Spells and curses
Some of them, the best of them
Once said can change everything
I haven't said them and I'm sorry for that, too
There's nothing left to do
But bare my heart
I'm lost in love with you
I think I was the moment I saw you
Maybe somehow before I ever did
You're it for me
There was never one before,
There'll never be another after
Dreams takes risks
And courage
My deepest dream is standing, waiting for an answer
And I'll wait as long as you need me to wait
I can accept that I have found my place
My purpose
And now I've found you
So it's you I'll come back to
With all of my heart, with everything I am or will be