Don't speak. Let me in.

(Is that alright?-}
{2003-05-26} {8:37 a.m.}

In the middle of the night memories of someone I once shared a lot of intense emotion for came back into view. I sat here and read old photographic conversations that I thought would have lost emotions; but they didn’t. And, I sat here and remembered exactly what I was wearing, what I was doing and what I was saying in every moment we talked as we shared another special quiet moment together. No one knows the feelings that I really had for this person, but her and me. I want to go back and embrace those feelings; moments from when I was the happiest in my life ever. The feeling of being loved that much in return by another person so far away is so amazing, and yet she felt so close. It was as if she was right here bedside me. I mention her name from time to time to others, trying hard not to reflect on the hurt from it all. If I was asked if I still loved her the answer without even thinking about it would be an automatic yes. I loved her that much and I still do. I know things change as time passes, but not the love you have for someone. It only grows deeper for me. Sometimes I wish we still communicated; but that’s not possible now. I feel that she has moved on- but if she ever came back into my life I would embrace her openly and hold onto her as tight as hell, and never let her go. Maybe I should have tried a little better to keep in touch with her but things became so hard on me and the emotions were driving me crazy, especially when I never got anything in response from her. I began to feel abandoned. The feeling of rejection is probably one of the worst feelings in the world to me. I spend too much time trying win people over, and then when things don’t turn out the way that I want them to I am devastated beyond devastated. I drove all night one night in a friend’s car to North Carolina and when I got there I didn’t know where to go.

[Yes Synthia- I could taste your sweet kisses, your arms open wide
That feeling for you was just burning me up inside and I drove all night to get to you- Is that alright? I had to escape. I can still hear the beating of our one heart. Is that alright? You still keep me from falling apart because I think about you when the night is cold and dark... And I still have dreams of making love to you. Is that alright? ]

I was driving to get to her. I wanted to feel her arms around me, our one special embrace shared in a single moment in time. To feel her once would have been like holding onto heaven. She doesn’t know that I drove to go and see her, and she never will- unless she’s still reading my diary. Which I’m not to sure about.

I talked to her sister a few weeks ago. She told me that she finally moved back home to Georgia to be with their mom. This only signifies the fact that she has moved on without me. I miss her a lot and I know that if given the opportunity things would have sparked between us. But, I dunno – I guess life has a way of letting you know that some things aren’t just meant to be.

I still remember her face, her smile, all of her silly expressions and how she talks. Her voice was like touching your hand onto to silk. The softness she carried was so sweet and delicate. She had this warmth about her that just made you just want to reach out and pluck her out of a field of people and hug her. Just talking to her on the occasions that I did brought so much happiness and light into my life that I will always remember her in her beautiful sweetness as I wear a smile of my face. As I sit here and close my eyes my heart isn’t sad amazingly. I am happy to know that I was such a part of her life that I was able to be loved by her as much as I was. I hope it’s alright for me to hang onto the happy memories that she gave me in the few short months of talking to one another. I love her; yes I do. And I always will. It doesn’t matter now if that love I feel for her is returned to me. I already know that she is happy with whatever it is that she is doing in her life. And it doesn’t have to include me. I’m fine with it. Just so long as she is happy being Synthia…I’m happy too. Is that alright?

You will always be my Angel and I will always be your Baby Girl.

No one can move me the way that you do
Nothing erases this feeling between me and you

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