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(When The Children Cry-}
{2003-04-22} {7:41 p.m.}
I was reading an entry today about scars and her ways of expression means soo much to me. People tell me a lot that I express myself the way she does in my writing, but I fail to see in myself what everyone else sees. I have scars too, but unlike the scars she has on the outside of her body mine are all inside.
For example, I wrote a biography about my past as a child. One of my biggest scars in life. I was sexually abused and wrote my biography in a third person form, like writing a book. Which I am also doing. I am writing a book about my past, hoping that it will help me heal. So far it hasn't had the effect that I was hoping for.
My scars leave me feeling exposed to more vulnerable moments. It's hard for me. I try to better myself with good thoughts of better things that may come across my path in life, but everything I dream of fails at my fingertips. I wish sometimes that my scars were on the outer side of my body like hers. I have a few but not that many. I have a scar on my back from where my step father whipped me with the buckle end of his belt when I was 16. It goes along my lower backside covering all of my hip. Everytime I look at it I cry. You've probably never read any of my dairy, which is fine too. It's not like my life is a great deal for people to read about. It's just a diary. I’m just a blank person behind a screen, filling an empty page with feelings, memories and emotions. Just like the other typical person in life. Sometimes I take my emotions and put them in a form of poetry, or at least I try. One of friends says I should get my poems published, but I don't see my poetry the way she does.
Someone once told me it’s important to remember that while one last puff of hot air or one more brick of dead weight finally succeeds in lifting the balloon off the ground, the rise would not have been possible without all the preliminary effort. We tend to give too much credit to the one event that seemingly sparks transformation. In fact, its the "Accumulation of effort" that gets the balloon in the air. And more effort is required to keep it there. I never looked at myself, or my life in a form of a balloon. I always saw my life as a mixture of failings of things I failed to accomplish, because I gave up too quickly. I find myself pondering deep, long questions as I try to move forward in my day to day syntax of life. Thus still never finding the answers I am so greatly trying to find...therefore tending to make me feel like a failure once again, causing more broken scars. Scar... the words signify so much meaning, yet no one will ever know just how much. Some can remind you of happiness and great achievements, or they could remind you of a past broken life style. Mine reminds me of my childhood, because that's all I see and feel; yet I am still able to write with so much emotion and feeling, I think that should have been lost when I lost myself.
I am blemished, discernible, wounded, disfigured, imperfect, tarnished, flawed, distant, lacking, damaged, absent from reality, hurt, broken… and the list could go on forever.
I can’t explain myself in great detail like I wish I could. I guess it’s just something I lack in an emotional tribute of some kind.
So therefore all of this leaves me remembering a song that reminds me of my past and what I should be thankful for…
When the Children Cry:
Little child
Dry your crying eyes
How can I explain?
The fear you feel inside
Because you were born
Into this evil world
Where mass is killing man
And no one knows just why
What we have become
Just look what we have done
All that we destroyed
You must build again
When the children cry
Let them know we tried
Cause when the children sing
Then the new world begins
Little child
You must show the way
To a better day
For all the young
Because you were born
For all the world to see
That we all can live
With love and peace
No more presidents
And all the wars will end
One united world
Under God
When the children cry
Let them know we tried
Cause when the children sing
Then the new world begins
What we have become
Just look what we have done
All that we destroyed
You must build again
No more presidents
And all the wars will end
One united world
Under God
When the children cry
Let them know we tried
When the children fight
Let them know it ain't right
When the children pray
Let them know the way
Cause when the children sing
Then the new world begins
And here are some my most inspiring quotes:
"What we think is less than what we know; What we know is less than what we love; What we love is so much less than what there is. And to that precise extent we are so much less than what we are." -- R.D. Laing
"To show your true ability is always, in a sense, to surpass the limits of your ability, to go a little beyond them: to dare, to seek, to invent; it is at such a moment that new talents are revealed, discovered, and realized." -- Simone de Beauvoir
"The growth of the human mind is still high adventure, in many ways the highest adventure on earth." -- Norman Cousins
"Safety is the most unsafe spiritual path you can take. Safety keeps you numb and dead. People are caught by surprise when it is time to die. They have allowed themselves to live so little."-- Stephen Levine
"Be not afraid of changing slowly; be afraid only of standing still." -- Chinese Proverb
-Hidden Scars-