Don't speak. Let me in.

(Running away-}
{2003-04-25} {3:35 p.m.}

I can’t help but wonder what it was that I said or did this time. I have managed to hurt so many people lately, and all in just a matter of a week. I feel so dirty inside. I create my own drama I think. I fall behind my own wall of weaknesses and relay it onto others hoping that they will help me lift myself up. Maybe I am going about it all the wrong way. Who knows?
I tend to find myself wandering in my thoughts reflecting on past events recollecting things that I have said to others; things that I thought were good things. But failed again, thus pushing her away again. Seems like I can make friends faster and better, than I can keep them. My AIM list has over 150 people listed on it but I only talk to maybe 50 of them. My MSN list is full but I only talk to maybe 20. Yahoo sucks too. I talk to only a rare few. Seems like maybe I should just delete everything in ways of communications that I have. I just feel like running away.
It seems that is all I mange do anyway. I can’t face my problems head on, and I turn my back on all of them instead of trying to learn from them and move on. Like my past with my childhood. Yes I am bruised and scarred, but I know there is a way to let it go and close my tired eyes.

There’s just no future in my eyes, I swear. My love surrounds others, but it can’t surround me in my own desires. So I rest on the wishes that I have in my rockabye heart. Crashing on waves and sinking below the tides.
The ocean tides of old memories crush my future hopes and dreams, leaving me feeling unkempt and exhausted. I’m tired. Really, really, really tired. I suddenly find myself sifting through the ashes that I have left on the floor, kicking and thrashing inside of my broken past…trying to give my life the best of me, but I am alone. Stepping out into the unknown alone, running away.

I think that I have advantageously broken my own life. Wrecked emotions plummeting at a decreasing speed, I feel myself fall more often than not. I fear a greater loss coming my way, but I don’t know what it is. I feel like that song, Concrete Angel. No one knows what I’m hiding in my broken past, and I have the bruises that no one can see. It’s hard for you to see the pain behind my obscurity.
I spit out another picture of a girl with a fragile soul, losing recognition in a sheltered past. With a broken heart that the world has forgot.

I’m not saying that I can’t take that leap, to find something brand new. It’s just a little harder for me because of the bridges I have burned. My once glowing heart has been destroyed by the fire.

Yeah what a life...
so many promises that were surely spoken ended up being broken.
Once again...

I wish I was like the breeze floating across my face. A light, gentle wind caressing my heart; nurturing my broken past. Sifting through my broken memories and discarding the hurt as I close my eyes and drift along the wings of love in a world I can rise above. Lingering in the atmosphere I can sweep upon a new day feeling refreshed and new as I embark on a new beginning. The wind doesn’t bring a unkind feeling as it embraces you. It’s gentle and warm and enticing as you scatter pictures of your broken past, and everyday begins as bright as the sun.

The wind is my angel, no matter what it makes no difference who I am. It will always embrace me for who and what I am, showing no prejudice…ever.

Does anyone want to help me face the storm, so I can become me again? Does anyone want to be my shoulder when I cry? Who wants to be my voices when I call them? To be my hope when I feel I am gone……
I’m tired of running…running away to nonentity.

Everything is unknown…yet, somewhere between the sheets of life I feel like I have much much, more to offer myself. I just can’t seem to grasp it and hold onto it. What happened to that feeling of love and security that I was taught as a child? Oh yes now I remember…..I was raped. Thank you Daddy, for ruining my life.

preventry nextentry