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(It's going to rain-}
{2003-04-16} {6:35 a.m.}
Not everyone that I talk to knows how I deal or cope with the pressure of the things that surround me. Sometimes I pretend to be happy so that others don’t know, partly because I don’t want the people that care about me the most to worry.
A few days ago I was talking to a friend of mine that lives in Sweden, her name is Nikki. Well, Nikki isn’t her real name but that is the name we agreed upon for her. Her real name is not something that she wants everyone to know about. But, as I was saying I was talking to her the other day and we were just doing our regular chit chatting and I was stumped on a poem I was writing [Which is now posted] and she made a funny remark about me being sadistic and how I wouldn’t have gotten that way with out her and I laughed and she said that she had to put murderous thoughts in my head for me to write good poetry. I don’t believe that is so true, but if it makes her happy so be it.
I then asked her if she wanted to see a [poem] I wrote on my own, with sadistic thoughts without her help and she said yes. So I posted the poem for her to read and she freaked out on me. She said quote unquote “na Chrissy... u talking bout "the beauty of a razor" that fuckin shit scares me... Chrissy if I made u write like this from my sicko mind... I don’t think of killing my self... I’m not depressed or anything just cuz I write about murder and shit... I’m gonna stop showing u things like that.. Cuz this doesn’t feel good... It was a good poem tho... till I came to that part... it wasn’t fun to see...”
And I told her the poem wasn’t for me and she told me not to make up excuses and I was hurt and yelled at her and she asked me if I wrote it and I said yes and then she told me if I wrote it for someone else why did I copy write it. And then I told her because it was my work, my words, feelings emotions, I didn’t want anyone else to take it. And then I told her how I could relate to the person that I wrote it for and she said she was going to see the beauty in taking your life because of my poem. And I started crying because I knew that isn’t true. Sometimes when you write someone something with a lot of meaning it keeps them stable. Knowing that they aren’t alone in their feelings and knowing that someone can actually relate with them and what they are feeling somehow keeps them bound to wanting to make it through their hard times. I know that if someone wrote me a poem I would cherish and keep it and read it a lot just to know that someone cared enough about me to take the time to do something for me. Even if it is as little was writing words on a paper.
And then she didn’t talk to me for a while and I knew she didn’t believe me and I said to her “You don’t believe me. I can feel it” And she said “True I don’t. I wish I could... but hey... don’t care about I think” And I told her I never lied to her, and I haven’t ever. I mean honestly think about it, if you can’t be honest with a friend and have to lie about everything, what kind of friend are you? And she said I didn’t have to get so fucking mad and I told her I wasn’t mad I was hurt. I was hurt because she didn’t believe me. And she said “It's hurting cuz u got offended.. or something.. ur protecting urself... and only reason I can think of that makes u protect urself like this in this situation is that .. it was ur poem.. Just written to ur self... .... u wont admit... (Scuse me if I’m wrong tho) and I wont stop thinking its urs” And then I said something to her not realizing that what I said only pissed her off more. I was only trying to explain to her that the poem wasn’t about me. And she said “Chrissy... I have dealt with suicidal ppl... I have been one too.. I'm not gonna go in on shit about this... u saying if u was gonna do something like that u would have already done it.. ppl who say that .. u cant be sure they wont.. a fuck it ima say like it is with risk of hurting u even more... things u just have said don’t take my worries away.. That’s shit a potential suicider would say.. *is pissed brb*” And then she came back for a minute and told me “I feel that u scared of what I will say in things... that u don’t tell me the whole truth... And I wish u would stop feeling that way.. Shit that is said can be fought ova and shit but it works out” And then I just didn’t know what to say. My tears were beginning to sting my eyes and my eyes were burning from crying so hard. I continued to cry for about an hour and she came back asked me to dry my tears and asked me to please not cry and said “It is nothing to cry about.. And the last thing I want to do is hurt my best friend.. But I'm worried.. I gotta talk to u about it” and then she asked me if I wanted to bitch her out. I can’t bitch out someone I love but I can bitch out the people I hate.
Like Lois yesterday. Grrr that woman is such a nuisance to me. I was all pissy yesterday and she said "What are thinking about?" and I said "Why?! You don’t care!" and she said "God damn what is wrong with you" and I said "You! You complain too much" and she said "What did I do now" and I said "What don’t you do" and then she said "Well what’s wrong" and I said I wanna go home and she said why and I said "Damn its my house! Do I need a reason to go home?" and she said I just want to know what’s wrong with you and I said "I wanna go home and talk to my friends" and started crying and she said my net friends weren’t real friends. And I cried even harder because I just don’t understand why she thinks that people on the net aren’t real. They are people too and have emotions just like her. Only difference is that the people I talk to are better than her and it makes her jealous cuz I talk about my internet friends a lot more than life. But yah know what? Maybe my internet friends ARE a part of my life. In most cases I am a lot closer to some people over the net than I am with people in my real life events. I get attached to people really easy if I let myself be. I can also be very cold to the ones I don’t like. Most often I will talk to a person and if I don’t like I them block them and delete them.
And the ones I get attached to I really sincerely get attached. Sometimes I find myself crying a lot when something is said the wrong way, but in most cases I cry when I am able to open myself up to people and let the things go that hurt me and hold me back. I mean I cried last week a lot so much I was tired. My eyes burned and I was really tired and drained emotionally. I slept a lot and made myself sick. I miss Synthia soo much and I have been trying to convince myself that it’s nothing and let it pass. But I can’t anymore. My heartache and fears are overtaking me. And I can’t handle it. I don’t want to think about her not loving me anymore. I don’t want to think about how she could just not talk to me anymore. I don’t want to cry but I do. I cry every night. I cry myself to sleep because I’m crying over her. I knew I was walking on broken glass when I realized the feelings I had that were emerging for her, and after a while I confessed them to her, and things in my life were just so awesome. We talked everyday almost, except when she had to be with Daniel or whichever it may have been at that time. She lost her computer after 2 of her roommates moved out and then I called her a few times and then it was just like a stiff breeze had come and knocked me over. All of my happiness was gone, again. I don’t know why I think she is at home, she probably isn't but I do think that. I just think she has me blocked from her yahoo messenger so she doesn’t have to explain to me why she fell out of love with me. Did I really expect it to last? Yes I did. And I still wish it could. But, I don’t know even know what to think anymore. I feel so lost with out her. All I need is an explanation and I will let her go.[If that's what she wants] But, of course that isn’t going to happen. So once again my tears are going to fall, just like the rain outside my window.
-Raining Tears-