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(Silver mists-}
{2003-04-27} {8:17 a.m.}
Yesterday didn’t help either. I left to go to Lois’ to work on that God forsaken pond. I was there for about 8 hours. Got home about 8:30 pm and Lynelle (neighbor from down the street) was in my house on my computer. I was so infuriated that I started crying. And she decides she’s going to snap on me? I don’t think so. She started complaining about how her daughter told her that I was mad at her for being on my computer all of the time. And, that in its self pissed me off even more. Yes, I was angry and I felt that I had every right to be. It is after all my house and my computer. So it should be myrules. I pay the bills for my internet and computer. It’s not at the disposal for someone else to use without my permission. If she wants to cough up some money to pay for my internet and my computer I might waiver my feelings a bit. But, until then I feel no need to do so.
So, then she gets in my face and starts complaining about my son, Jamie. She openly accuses him of breaking her breeze way window to break into her house. PLEEEEEEEEASE!! I don’t think so. Her misconceptions were really beginning to get to me, and I sat on my sofa closed mouth, not saying a word. And, then the police showed up, and yeh there was a lot of drama. Yay for me…more drama for Chrissy. I’m soo sick of this shit. I want to pull my hair out, and gouge out my own damn eyes.
Come to find out it was the neighbor girl Nana that did all of the damage. But was I let off…hell no. Officer Shay felt the need to give me a lecture. I got mad and went inside and told Lynelle to handle it because she’s the one who called the police on me in the first damn place. I can’t believe she was going to file charges against me. Me! Of all people. The one person that opened her heart to give her a place to live until she found a place of her own. I became even more outraged at the nonsense of it all. I mean damn, I could have done the same to her the other night when her daughter took a rock and threw at my daughters’ upstairs bedroom window and cracked it. But, did I? No, of course not. I went down and got her and told her what happened and asked if her to fix the window. I only thought it was fair…but, oh no…Lynelle decides to tell me she isn’t going to pay for it. I then came inside and started going off on everybody. I was that mad. So, then about an hour later, some other kid decides to completely bust out another window. Now, mind you know my temper, and so did this kid. But, I have to tell you that by the time I was finished with him, I don’t think he will never come back over to my house. I yelled at him for so long, and so loudly that he was shaking. I must have put the fear of God in him or something, because he was practically begging me to find a way for him to work it off. And, I said no. I told him that since he was stupid enough to listen to a 9 year old tell him to throw a ball up to the second floor of an apartment thinking that he could catch it was dumber than me thinking Lois was a nice person. Not only that, he should have known better to think that his aim would have been perfect.
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Then I had to deal with ex asshole husband all day. He kept asking me for sex yesterday. What a moron. I’m like no Ben, go away. And he kept trying to kiss me and stuff. I mean like EWW! No thank you. He even told Lois that I told him I would have sex with him later. Oh my lord, for crying out loud. The funniest part about this whole event was when I told him I was bisexual. **Laughing my ass off** I have never seen a guy faint before. It was soo funny. And, I didn’t say it intentionally, but yet I did. I wanted him to leave me alone. So, heh I guess my device of self defense worked out to my advantage. I just wish he would get it through his thick ass head that I am not interested in him at all. He never will though. What a loser.
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Other than all of that I guess I had a good day.
It’s just…stuff like that gets me down so bad. I feel so abused inside and it bruises me a lot, badly. I hear other people say how I don’t know how they cope with their emotions, thoughts, anxieties and fears. Well, no one knows how I do either. Yet, it happens. It’s just a part of life I guess. People want to help, and helping someone is a need. It’s a form of communication between two people. Even if the other person may not like it, the least they could do is open up their heart and accept the consideration the other is trying to pour out to them. I know I do. I never push anyone away when they want to help me. It’s like they accept me for who I am, and they open up their heart to listen to my burdens. It’s a breath of fresh air for me.
But, when I try to complete such a task, I get chastised. I hate it. It makes me feel like I am unworthy and I lack all of the great things in me to be a good friend. It’s such a bitch to feel so useless all of the time. I have nothing to offer in advice to others, to give them something to benefit from. So, if that’s the case, why do I even try so hard to have friends?
It all falls back on what I said before…silver mists. They lurk everywhere. Even when you are sleeping you are thinking about the bad things, trying to sort it all out to find something good. Facing the previous disillusioned tasks of not being able to see everything whether it is good, or bad; I still find fault in every thing I do.
That’s just great! [I said that sarcastically by the way] I really don’t like myself, or the person I am inside. Must be something that shows through a lot, too because I have not one single friend in “real” life. All of the ones I do have are on the net. Geez, I suck hind tit.
I have to go now before I start spilling my tears again.
Bah.