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{2003-05-06} {10:07 p.m.}
My new words of encouragement for myself. Yay (??) Today was okay. Oh whole lot better than yesterday. But instead of whining about it, I chose not to write about it yesterday. Good for me? I hope so.
I went on a date today with Donovan. Nice name for a hot guy with brown hair and deep crystal blue eyes, but err he was totally lousy kisser. I felt like I was kissing a wet sponge with suck lips. Honestly, everything was just peachy at first. We sat and talked for like 4 hours or so. That was awesome to just talk to someone. He listened and had great things to say. But somewhere my mind kept drifting off to Jerry.
Jerry came over early this morning too. As you are probably wondering how that went. Things were creepy at first and really awkward. I was asleep in my bed when Lynelle came upstairs to wake me up and tell me that Jerry was here. And I was like “Jerry?! What the hell does he want?” And, she said he wanted to talk to me. So, naturally I get up and make myself presentable and walked downstairs…and there he was. That gorgeous tall man with long brown hair and beautiful eyes. Inside I was swooning like a love sick teenage girl, and on the outside I was a frigid bitch. He walked up to me with that devilish grin of his and winked at me like he always used to do when we were seeing each other. In the back of my mind I wanted him so badly, but I hit him in the chest and walked into the kitchen so that no one couldn’t hear us.
He follows behind me and stands next to me between the kitchen counter and the sink and just stares at me. It was weird. I have never seen Jerry look at me like that before. It was sweet, but really strange. Then he asked me what I hit him for. And I said “Because you deserved it, asshole.” And he asked me if there was some place we could go to talk in more privacy and I instantly said “My bedroom” So we went upstairs to my room and plopped down on my bed, and we sat there in an awkward silence for a bit. And then I asked him what he wanted. And he told me he was sorry and I told him that I didn't believe him. And I told him if he was sorry enough he would have come back to me a long time ago, instead of ditching me and using me as a fuck mat. And I told him how much he hurt me when he left me for someone else, having to find out about it on my own instead of him being upfront and honest with me. And he was soo damn sweet. He blew me away…again. Just like all of the times before and I just sat there next to my window looking out into the dark looking at the trees sway in the rain. He asked me to give him a hug, and in an instant I was there. Melting in his arms; crying. He took his hand and wiped away my tears and I felt that old instant love attraction building back up inside of me. That wanting I didn’t want with him, because he hurt me; but I was there anyway.
And before I knew we were kissing and he was saying the greatest things to me, the things I have always wanted to hear him from him. And I was just blown away. We kissed like I have never kissed anyone before. It was hot and passionate and then I was like putty in his hands. I told him that I had to go and he asked me to stay so we could talk. And I said “Talk about what Jerry? All you want is a booty call” and he was like “I don’t know what brought me here” and I looked up at him and said "Your penis did" And I told him that I didn’t want to be confused anymore, and I asked him why he hurt me like he did. And he told me many, many things, a lot of things I wish I didn’t have to hear.
He told me how I had too much drama in my life (which I cannot deny) and I told him I was sorry about that, but most of it was without my control. And I told him that I heard he had a girlfriend and he told he was trying to get out of that relationship and I was like “Yeah, okay. That’s how I met you before wasn’t it?” And he quietly responded with a “No”. He then asked me if I would give him a hug again and I did. Only because I felt secure with him; I always had. And we ended up lying beside each other on my little bed holding each other. Kissing and looking at each other for what felt like eternity. And then things just led from one thing to the next and well, you know the story to that. It was great, awesome and I don’t know. Just beautiful. .. I fell asleep with him holding me and I woke up about 7 30 am or so and just quietly crawled out of bed. I felt insecure about something and I just didn’t want to see him this morning. So I let him sleep and then I went out with Donovan.
A boring date with a hot guy, which is a lousy kisser. Grr. Oh well. At least last night was something memorable. I miss Jerry, and I hate to admit it; but, yes I do still love him. *Damns myself**