Don't speak. Let me in.

(Scene Two- Courthouse}
{2003-05-16} {5:25 a.m.}

As I got into the car Lori [My family worker] proceeded to ask me where the girls were, so I had to tell her that the girls were with their father now. I told her how the last day I had them was the last day she had came by and called Alicia. She asked me what happened and so I had to tell her about [my bitch caseworker] Alicia coming by and telling what she had said after she called her. And she asked me if I was angry at her and I said no. I didn’t want to say yes because Lori has been nothing but a sweetheart to me, and I have known her for years. I just couldn’t break her heart like that.

So we drove to the courthouse and got out and went in and proceeded up to the third floor.

I sat in the far left corner of the corridor, as far away as I could get from everyone. I just cringed at the thought of that bastard being there in the same building with me. It literally made me sick. I went into the bathroom and did what I had to do, to at least calm my nerves a little.

When I cam out the girls were there and Heather came running up to me and hugged me for like ever. Then I sat between the girls and Lori while we waited for Lois and the bitch to get there.

After about 10 minutes I couldn’t stay there any longer, and I took the elevator back downstairs and went outside. I didn’t know that Lori had followed me out. I guess she wanted to make sure I was okay.

We stood outside the front entrance and talked for a while, until Ben and the girls came outside as well. Sammi came up to me and was telling about her prom and things, and wanted to know if I was going to be able to get her dress. My heart broke as I told her that I couldn’t and to ask her Grandma. [That’s what they call Lois] And she told me that her dad said that she couldn’t buy her dress either. I have to do something. I feel like a shitty mom for not be able to get my daughter a prom dress.

So as we stood there talking I began to see Alicia walking in our direction. Nosey bitch was the first thing that popped into my mind. Naturally the bitch had to ask in her normal tone as always “So, what’s going on?” I wanted to reach out and just jack slap that bitch. What the fuck did she think was going on? I hated the fact that had to bring herself to the trial. It felt like she was intruding on my life, again. So, I just kept my calm and walked away to stand by myself, alone. All the while she was evilly eyeballing me. Stupid bitch.

Samantha came over to me after a while and said that Alicia was asking her how things were going at her dads and asked me what she should say. And I said “Just tell her everything is fine. As soon as you til her something bad she’s going to make things even harder on us” and Sammi agreed and went and told her just that.

About 10 minutes later Paul Mangerie came out and told us we were ready to begin. My stomach felt like a bad storm erupting, churning and churning until I began to feel sick again. Lori turned and saw my face and asked me if I was okay, and I told her no and that I was going to be sick again. She said my face was white, like that of a ghost and that I had lost all coloring in my cheeks. Well, damn excuse me… This is a hard thing to face yah know. What did you expect me to do? Jump up and down and do cartwheels on the courthouse lawn? Gah!

So we enter back through the main floor and have to go through this detection monitor to see if we have any weapons. Ha I wish. I could only be so lucky.
I didn’t take the elevator back up to the floor of the court room; I took the stairs. Wanting to prolong the wait as long as possible… I was being silly trying to drag it out as long as I was. I should have just accepted the fact it had come to where it was; even tho it was an inevitable event. I needed to get upstairs and get a move on. The sooner the better, is what I was thinking as I stepped onto the second floor and made my way to the witness room. As I approached the hallway I saw Alicia, Lois and Ben and the girls all sitting in the hallway chairs. The looks of anticipation on their faces, the sadness and severe boredom were something to be recognized. I went and sat between Heather and Samantha and waited for our attorney to rescue us. I kept looking at the elevator door, terror filling my heart as I waited and waited for them to bring that assfuck through the doors. About 20 minutes passed before the State’s Attorney stepped out on the second floor landing and called my and my ex husband’s name. He asked to speak to us first. He led us into the witness room and quietly closed the doors behind us, and asked us to have a seat.

As I sat there I started shaking and wondered what our attorney was going to tell us, waiting within fear and trepidation, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath and told him I was ready.

He pulled out several different sheets of paper, all with the names of The State of Illinois, Linda and Ben Carlisle, Samantha Carlisle, Heather Carlisle, and Jameson Carlisle vs. Forest Alan Park on them.
All with the same amounts of counts charged against him. Ranging from Sexual Child Predator to Indecent Exposure of a Minor to Sodomizing to Inappropriate Fondling to Penetration of a Minor. I felt my body cringe inside at the very site of the words. He began to tell us that the perpetrator was willing to plead guilty and wanted to work out a deal. And I looked up at the attorney and said “No deals” I want him to die in prison. What I want I can’t have. I want him to pay for taking away my children’s innocence.. He deserves to-die. He then began to tell us that Forest was going to plead guilty to taking the photographs of Heather and Jamie together but not the sexual predator charge. I was instantly pissed off. And I said “No way” “I am willing to do anything to keep my girls from testifying, but if he won’t accept all of the responsibility then he can just forget anything type of plea and be prepared to get fucked and ass reamed by you [my attorney] and ourselves” And with that our attorney left and went back upstairs to the third floor where is office is and talked to the defense attorney. After about another 30 minutes Mr. Mangerie came back into the witness room and told us he was going to get 34 years. I can’t say that I’m particularly happy with that. So, I asked what it would take for the girls not to have to testify.
And he basically said they didn’t have to at this point because the only one that has to testify is me. And, I cringed inside and asked why. Seems that I am the only one who can pinpoint who is who in the photos and I have to point that out in the trial. I reluctantly agreed and asked how much longer we had to wait for the trial to start. My attorney said that we had to wait until they brought Forest into the court room. And I sigh deeply without trying to cry, or show my fear. But, I know it was written all over my face.
Our attorney walked out the door and went back upstairs.

I have no idea how much time elapsed before we saw Officer Schwartz emerge from out of nowhere and enter the witness room with us. He came in with a huge evidence bag and I looked at him with a really strange look and asked him what was in the bag, and he said evidence. And I said “What evidence?” Because all I knew of was the photos. I had no idea they had confiscated clothing too. Officer Schwartz pulled out a dress of Heathers and showed it to me. Just at the look of it I started crying. There were tint blood stains on it and I asked him what they were from and he told me that they were from the perpetrator and some were from Heather. I placed my hand over my face and felt by body slip away into a tunnel of darkness. Why I was not told of these things in the beginning? Why did they have to wait until the last minute? I was hurt, and infuriated. It just wasn’t fair. As Officer Schwartz sat there at the conference table with us we began to look at a lot of things that they had managed to have gotten from the search of Forests’ house. I never knew he had so many things that belonged to Heather. And, then he slowly began to place the photos in front of me. And told me which ones they were going to present into evidence. One being the photo of Heather and her little brother Jamie in the same photo together doing the most ungodly things to each other as Forest was in the picture watching. I still get infuriated inside when I can’t figure out who took that photo. It only leaves me guessing that it was his wife, or poor Samantha.

I picked up the photo and ran my fingers across it as I imagined the fear Heather and Jamie must have felt as the photos of them were being taken. My heart breaks as I remember the looks on their little innocent faces; the sad emotionless fear lurking in their eyes in the photo is only what a mother could see. And it still breaks my heart, even tho the trial is over until 34 days from now, and we have to go back.

[This has turned out to be a lot longer than I had anticipated...next page]

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