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("It makes me sick, it makes me laugh"-}
{2003-04-09} {11:37 p.m.}
[Hey, why not take a crazy chance? You just might like what you read]
Email from Jessie:
[Reply to 3rd email]
Yeah, we never tend to look inside ourselves for anything good, we’re always so busy concentrating on the bad that we forget all about the good, and we are forever comparing our own good with those around us, so our own good.. is never good enough. I guess thats why we need friends, they remind us of the good that is inside ourselves, they make us aware of our own beauty that we ourselves cannot find, because we have become blind to it. I know, it's so much easier said than done. Im not happy all the time, sometimes I know exactly what I have to do to be happy.. but I can't change. I want to change, but I can't.. because it really feels impossible.. like I've become so used to the way everything is, that im in a comfort zone.. us creatures of habit. So perhaps I am in a habit of feeling the way I do – this sadness. And thinking the way I do. Lately though, I haven’t been concentrating on myself, its like im avoiding this unhappiness.
Do you feel that in having love, a companion, that all of your troubles will just vanish, that everything will just be a lot better? You need someone to live for, is that how you feel? You need someone to be your everything so that all of your energies may be concentrated on to this one being. You want arms to hold you, to keep you in the now so that those nightmares of the past do not haunt you anymore. Love is an amazing thing, when having someone, that is all you feel that you need. They love you for who you are, they listen to everything that you have to say. They are your everything and so you don’t need anything else. But maybe that’s not the way to go. Why are we so afraid of being alone? Is that why you unhappy, because the future looks so cold, so lonely?
I would love to hear how you met your husband, how you felt, and of your love.. I would love to hear of your first time giving birth.. I would love to hear more.
I hope that you are feeling better hun.. and thank you for the email. I can't really come online during the week, but ill catch up on everything on Friday. Your email to Synthia really touched me, just like everything that you say does. I hope that all is not lost.
Jess
And, I will respond to her email... it is just that she wants me to touch base on things I have forgotten, and some are painful. With truths that are hurtful, and some that are not. I don't know what anyone will think of me, or if I will even care. I do care what people think about me tho. I feel that it is a reflection off of me and who I am; and who I aim to try to be.
-Parallel to Epitomize-