Don't speak. Let me in.

(If Only I could be as “Beautiful” as you-}
{2003-04-16} {6:03 p.m.}

I was off to Lois’ today doing her pond, like I have been everyday this week. I am tired and worn out. I told her lies so I could come home early today so I can write an entry about what I have thinking about all day.

I kept hearing off remarks by my ex about me being not so pretty and talking about women he had been meeting at bars. At first I didn’t even care. Then after 6 hours of hearing the same thing, it began to get to me. I felt like a piece of dirt, which had washed up on shore from years of drifting in the ocean. Tattered and worn, my heart was flouting. [If you don’t know what flouting means; it means breaking] I know I have a tendency of using big grammatical words But I can’t help that. I am an intelligent person, and I try to use that ability to the best needs that I can. Even if I don’t use them in my day to day syntax of talking to others, at least I can when I write about my feelings. Hey, language rules. What can I say?

Continuing onward…

I felt damaged in a way of his insinuating remarks about other women being sexy and pretty of characters. I felt lacking in all departments. I wondered to myself: was I not pretty enough? I never thought that looks mattered, and it was always what was inside of the person that counted. Being measured up as a piece of meat is not for me. And, that is exactly how he treated me through out our whole marriage. I once used to think that I wasn't good enough for anyone else and he was the only person that would ever be interested in me, and felt that I could never make it on my own. I have managed to do well on several occasions. Although my being Bipolar does take its toll on me. I tried losing weight two years ago several times. Failing constantly; I finally turned to this ad I had seen in a newspaper. Herbalife. [Hence herbal diet pills with a healthy comeback] I did very well until I lost my job. I had the energy of a young child, dancing circles around the teenagers I worked with, I lost 25 pounds while working. I had a better attitude about myself, and felt like I could conquer anything. Then the company I worked for went out of business 3 days before Christmas. I was shocked, devastated and heart broken. I still haven’t been able to find work yet. It stinks a lot actually. I want and need to feel that spark of independency. I really think that my mindset would improve so much more. With no job, I feel I have nothing. I hate that feeling of feeling like a failure. I am not a failure, but only if I let myself be. And I do try everyday to be stronger; it’s just things like today that get me down. All he talked was women this and women that. It started getting me down really bad about noon. And, I tried to stay away from him as much as possible. How can he think that I would actually want to sit by him and talk about sexy women that he wants to have sex with, and then turn around only moments later and tell me what a bitch I am?

“Am I really tho?” is all I kept asking myself all day as I worked…bringing myself down to the level of nothing. I walked away about 2 pm and sat down in a corner and cried. I hated him for making me feel like I was absolute shit and unworthy of ever being loved. I wished that I could have walked home, but I couldn’t. My kids were with me and I refused to let them stay behind and suffer by his abusive words. He is such a malicious heartless person, and cares about no one but himself. I literally made myself sick.

I want to talk to Synthia. She thinks I am a beautiful person. I miss her voice and her words of sweetness. She always had a way to make me shine inside. I haven’t been very happy since she’s been gone and out of my life. [Sighs] I miss her smile and laughter and the way she always called me Baby girl. I catch myself a lot late at night re reading old conversations between the two of us; and reading old emails. Sitting here now remembering her words bring a stinging of old sweet bitterness to my heart and I let the tears fall from eyes as they fall onto the keyboard. I think to myself “Does she miss me?” I don’t want to think that she doesn’t. It would hurt too much. I even miss the dreams I used to have about her and I. I had my first dream last night about her in 3 weeks. I woke up frustrated and I dunno what else. Heart broken seems to fit. Synthia is sexy and beautiful. Everything I'm not. Oh Synthia....If only I could be as beautiful as you.

I wish upon a star that doesn’t exist for me. I wish I was pretty. I wish I had a beautfiful soul. I wish.. I wish…I was better.

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