Don't speak. Let me in.

(Confessions}
{2003-09-10} {10:58 a.m.}

I cant' tell you how much I miss you and how my heart yearns to hear from you, but I also haven't taken the time to talk you as of late.. I wrote you an entry... my only way of being able to confess things to you.. sometimes its hard not to.. but I wanted to give you time, that respect I have for you and make sure you weren't feeling like I was pressuring you into feelings things for me.. even in the time I haven't sent you emails I used that time alone to define the feelings I have been having behind the masks of dreams I have had lately.. I miss you more than I cared to realize.. or confess. I never knew that love hurt so much and went so deep..

Even though you're so close to me, you're still so distant. But not so distant that I can't reach you in my mind.. this aching inside- does it ever fade, or does it grow stronger as much as my feelings do? I'm not some kind of love sick fool, just feeling lust- its so much more than that- I love you and I want to be with you. I won't lie to you and say I haven't shed tears for you, because I have.. many a night I have laid awake thinking about you and the tears would just fall. For a while I tried to hide behind the wall of my emotions, trying to make out a distinct impression of what I am and where I am supposed to be in all of these emotions. It may have taken me 2 months to see what I want and where I'd rather be, but it was two months of hell, but also pure bliss. And now, at night when I whisper your name inisde of my dreams, I can feel my body burning inside as you enter me and fill my dreams with so much more and then we are where I have always wanted to be.. we become one. We mesh, and are meant to be. You're all there is for me.. there will never be another.

I've toyed with words and thoughts and went off balance for a while, left you nothing to grasp onto.. but I was still here. Did you know that? I could never leave you- and I tried baby I really did.. I was too busy listening to other people instead of listening to my own heart, even as reality set in and warned me that it may be too late for me to come back to you.. I'm still here and I'm not going anywhere.. won't you come to me and tell me what you're feeling? Even if its just to tell me you're here in shadows reading.. as least I would know.. even though I already do.

Yes I want to touch you and hold you forever, I can only hold onto what I desire not what I dream of...and right now my desire is you. I wish you could look inside and see how my heart beats faster when I think of you, how my pulse rises and how my body erupts with feelings I can't control..I don't hold onto many wishes anymore.. except for wishes of you.. I hope you're well love.

preventry nextentry