Don't speak. Let me in.

(Epitome of a photographic heart-}
{2003-04-10} {11:43 a.m.}

[Reply to email]

Dear Jessie-

The essence of the memories that my heart holds is sometimes a little harsh, for some of my memories are sad, and unhealthy. My most painful recollections become a form of malnourishment for me and decrease my internal odds for survival. Nightmares overtake me with a vengeance and bereavement burns within me like fire and brimstone. Tears fall down as I fall into a spiral of self defeat, blackness overtaking my soul leaving me in a trail of darkness, with no light at the end of the tunnel.

I find myself falling from one friend to the next, losing them one by one. And, in a desperate moment of wanting I find my self even more disheartened than before. I can’t help but think that there is a flaw in me that makes people reject me.

You said:
[I’m not happy all the time, sometimes I know exactly what I have to do to be happy.. but I can’t change. I want to change, but I can’t.. Because it really feels impossible.. Like I’ve become so used to the way everything is, that I’m in a comfort zone.. Us creatures of habit. So perhaps I am in a habit of feeling the way I do – this sadness.]

Without a solution I can’t move forward. So I guess that’s why I still regress and fall back into the past. Trying to find answers; to questions that I know that I will probably never find. I lose ground and fall into a relapse almost every day. Like you said: It’s a habit forming nature. I can’t change either now that I sit here and think about it. I want to be “normal” with out the abnormality of hurting. Everything in life is such idiosyncrasy. Eccentric habit forming manners, of an unconventional oddity. Practice brings Routine, Routine brings a Pattern, Pattern brings Convention, and Convention brings a tendency of a tradition of inclinations. Everything we do everyday is habit forming. We just look at it as something more than a structural outward appearance.

You also asked me:
[Do you feel that in having love, a companion, that all of your troubles will just vanish, that everything will just be a lot better? You need someone to live for, is that how you feel? You need someone to be your everything so that all of your energies may be concentrated on to this one being. You want arms to hold you, to keep you in the now so that those nightmares of the past do not haunt you anymore. Love is an amazing thing, when having someone, that is all you feel that you need. They love you for whom you are, they listen to everything that you have to say. They are your everything and so you don’t need anything else. But maybe that’s not the way to go. Why are we so afraid of being alone? Is that why you’re unhappy, because the future looks so cold, so lonely?]

You know me so well. How can you know so much about me in such a short span of time? Well, to your first question, the answer is Yes. Why? I don’t know really. I feel like that if I had that only one love for me, myself, I would be the happiest person ever because I would be able turn all of my focuses on the one that I love, verses all the pain and hurt from the past. I do love for someone tho. I just can’t have them. When I am alone talking to that person the entirety of my hurting fades away. I feel no vicious cutting or stinging, and I smile and feel so much love inside. It radiates through my body, making me feel complete and brand new.

Why am I so afraid of being alone? Wow. That’s a tough question. But, not unreasonably hard to answer. I am afraid to be alone, because it never matters where I am or who I am talking to, with out love in my heart I will always feel alone. I have no feeling of completeness within the structure of myself. With no feeling of unity of being with another, I slip away. Slip away into nonentity. I become an insignificant person of lost desires not worth mentioning. The future for me does look lonely, because I have attached myself with so many deep running emotions to others. Others that are too far away and I know that I will never get to spend one moment of serenity with them. The harmony that I would feel is something far more amazing than anything that I have longed for. As for the rest my nightmares do not have any real meaning to them. They are just an insinuation from my past. Dreams broken or forgotten resurrect painful scarring from the past. That is also another reason why I feel so alone, and unhappy.

You also said:
[I would love to hear how you met your husband, how you felt, and of your love.. I would love to hear of your first time giving birth.. I would love to hear more.]

I met my husband one day when I was walking home from school. I remember walking up the driveway and seeing some guys ass hanging out of the front fender of the hood of our car. I walked past him to get a better look and I was like oh damn He has no ass! I went inside the house and I found my sister April. The one I hate with a fiery vengeance. She was pregnant and began to tell me how Ben was her fiancé and whatever. I didn’t care at all. I didn’t care because he was with HER. Months passed and Ben and I talked a lot and we forged a good friendship. Me 17 and him 27. He often talked of sadness and not being so happy about being with my sister. I felt bad for him. And, I remember the day how he told me her met her. I begin to think that my sister was an absolute whore. Sleeping with random guys from a military base. I asked him how he knew if the baby was his, and he said he couldn’t be so sure. My heart went to him, and I begin to grow feelings for him. But, not “love” feelings. These feelings I can’t explain. They were different. I didn’t feel a stimulating arousement when I was with him, but I did feel a special closeness.

I remember when my Mother took me outside of the house and told me that she thought that Ben and I were having an affair. I laughed my ass off at the thought of it. I had no feelings of desire for that man at all.

I had no feelings for any man. I was just a girl, with no way of knowing anything about this or that. I wasn’t taught anything. I learned everything on my own.

Ben was there the day my Step father beat me. I remember how he took care of me. It was sweet and he asked me if I wanted to go with him when he left. And, I of course jumped at the opportunity. I wanted so desperately to leave my home. So less than 3 days before my high school graduation I hopped on the back of his motorcycle and headed off to Florida. Me being scared as all hell, I still held on with conviction thinking I would make it on my own. But of course when we got there I was too afraid to be alone. That’s when I realized that I didn’t like to be alone. I managed to surface some kind of feelings for him, which led to us sleeping together. The first time I ever had real sex, and it meant nothing to me. I was a cold heartless person with no emotions. I felt so cruel and unchanged by the effects of my life, and what it had done to me. That was in the summer of 87. I found out that I was pregnant in June of 87. Scared to death and being just a baby myself I had a nervous breakdown. Because so many times I had heard of guys that left their girlfriend; when they got pregnant. But Ben never left my side. He was devoted to me, desperately wanting to be a Father. We moved to Daytona Beach and lived there until I gave birth to Sammi.

My pregnancy was really hard on me. I was in the hospital a lot with dehydration and stuff like that. I was really sick a lot. I lost about 60 pounds in the first 2 trimesters. Being sick wasn’t one of my best features let me tell you. I was a real bitch.

I went into labor on November 16th 1988 at 4pm and was taken to Halifax Medical Hospital. I was taken into the OB-Gyn room for expecting mothers and was hooked up to lots of monitors and given a sitz bath and other good shit. I remember when I was having really bad pains and cried out for my mom. I wanted her to be there, but I was alone. I cried for hours. I had no mother there to share the pains and joys of motherhood with. I missed her the most at that very moment.

I could never tell my mother the things I want to tell her, now. She hurt me. And with that hurt some things I just can’t forgive her for.

Samantha Courtney entered the world at 12:31 am on November the 17th, 1988. Beautiful red hair and deep green eyes. Her hair was the color of a brand new copper penny. She just took my breath away. I remember holding her for the first time and seeing the look in her eyes when she looked at me. I cried so hard because I never knew that so much love in one tiny little soul existed. I held her as close to me as I could get, and promised her that I would never put her through the things I had been through as a child. [I broke my number one promise…abuse] I would hold her and just breathe in the smell of her baby skin. So innocent and pure.

I can’t even tell you what it feels like. I just know that she is my heart. I love all of my children very much. Some people just don’t see it. My kids are the epitome of my photographic heart

I can't really tell you anything else, because the rest of it is just sadness and heartache. My apologies.

Love you,

Chrissy

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