Don't speak. Let me in.

(Trouncing at the rear of echoes-}
{2003-05-14} {9:38 a.m.}

I thought that I would be able to stay away but I was wrong. I realized this morning that I can’t walk away from the only place where I tend to find my day-to-day comfort. It’s my commonplace routine.

My day yesterday finally took its toll on me... and not even having enough time to prepare myself for the Jury is more than I can ever try to cope with. I went out drinking last night hoping to find a way to release some of my past and my new agony. Everything I tried; failed. I was falling over drunk, and was still crying by 1 am. I couldn’t handle it any longer and brought myself home. I sat here in front of the computer and wrote a drunken entry… for what reasons I will never know; I guess I am stupid like that. I was probably trying to fool myself into hiding behind what is really hurting me, not wanting to release it, or talk about it. I can’t face myself in the mirror everyday anymore. All I see is this person with a black hole in their soul slipping away; as I lose my balance. I feel as if I am stuck between reverse and trying to engage in recreation; as all of it moves in slow motion.

So many times I wish I never had found out what happened to my girls because it has screwed up everything, and now my life is completely empty. They were the only joy I had left to keep myself sane during the day. And, now that they are gone, I am lost. I am misplaced, and no where to be found. I still have a lot of soul searching to do. I just don’t know where to begin. Do I go back to when I was a child, or only as far as last September? *sighs*

Last night while I was out I saw all of the things I used to do, but I didn’t really miss any of it. I missed the part of meeting people tho.

I even bumped into Greg, this guy that used to have the hots for me…but, of course I didn’t know that until last night. We were sitting at the table just talking and he said to me “Do you remember that night I took you home?” and I said “Yes. Why?” And he said “I wanted to so badly to come in that night” And I was just floored by the comment. Here I am talking about men not finding me attractive and he has trying to get to me for who knows how long…so, needless I missed out on another good thing. *ha*

I am trying to talk about other things to keep myself from talking about what’s really bothering me and if you know me you will know what I am talking about. It’s hard sometimes to release your inner anxieties. I have this fear that if I speak of them out loud and acknowledge what they are, that they will only cause more problems for me.

I can’t even fathom the events that are going to take place tomorrow. I think that’s another reason why I broke down crying while I was out last night… *shit*

Hmm..*thinks* I’m going to go now.

I can’t write about what I really want to, and all I am doing is beating around the bush about it, pissing you off.

Sorry for wasting your time. I will be back later tonight…

Poem-

Trouncing at the rear of echoes-

Silence protrudes through darkness
In silence as I hear the voices whisper
As I place my hands over my ears
Trying to block out the past
Echoes performing altered skills
While I close my eyes
To shut out the forbidden
My heart collapses, tumbling
To a never ending base
I lose my foothold on the pedestal
That I have misplaced myself under
Losing presence over past
I become lost in the defeat
As memories bounce in my head
Springing back in a rebound
Trouncing what was once dead
C.Carlisle © 2003

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