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diaryland
(Still Coping-}
{2003-05-17} {9:23 a.m.}
I never ever wanted to cry at the trial and show that bastard that he had formed a weakness in me. But I did anyway, and if I could only describe the look he had on his face when he knew he had won. I was pissed beyond more than anything that I have ever felt before. My hatred for him runs very deep. And since the trail the nightmares have returned and I can’t lose the image of the photos, or Heathers blood stained dress. I don’t even want to know what happened to her little innocent frail body as he did the nasty things to her that he did. She is already scarred enough for the rest of her life. Her attitude has gone to shit, which is to be expected I suppose; I just wish she would lose the attitude with me. She is becoming much of a potty mouth for an 11 year old child. I had to smack her in the mouth last night for saying “Fuck you, bitch” to me.
It broke my heart and I knew I had hurt her; not by force but by the punishing reaction. I haven’t spanked her or ever hit her ever. And when the drama started with DCFS I swore to them I would never lay a hand on them, like their father. Well, things are getting out of hand, and if she can behave herself at her dad’s then she can show me the same respect at my house. I have put up with a lot of shit from all of my kids, and they in turn have managed to turn me into a push over. I won’t be like that anymore.
I have to stand my ground as a parent or things will never be the same as they once were.
And then Lois came by after the trial the other day and tried to lay a guilt trip on me about her house and needing help to move her belongings and was pissed because I declined. I said to her “Well. Hmm let me think of a hundred reasons why I shouldn’t go” Number one off of the top of my head was the simple fact alone was that I just got finished leaving the same trial she did, and I was an emotional wreck. She is such a self centered bitch. She only cares enough about you long enough to get something out of you. Kind of like yesterday, she stopped by for whatever reason (I forget now) and I asked her to walk outside with me so we could talk in private and I talked to her about Heathers nasty attitude and how she had taken a bat and hit Lynelle’s son Zack in the back. She proceeded to tell my daughter that it was okay and not to listen to Lynelle. I was like “What the fuck are you doing?” You can not tell my daughter to not listen to another adult. If that’s the case of how she wants it, I don’t see any reason why she should enforce the fact that Heather has to listen to her as well. But that’s just my view point on the whole thing, Nothing I think matters anyway. And then I asked her if I could have a smoke and she told me I had to buy her a carton of the first. Ha! Yeah she will get a carton alright. I will buy her the cheapest nastiest cigarettes I can find and she can piss the fuck off. Hey...She got her carton of smokes, right? Well, see? There yah go.
Hmm what else is there? Oh yes I woke up myself screaming from another nightmare early this morning. Oh wait did I mention that already? Probably. *ha* Oh well. I told you I was slow. **giggles**
As far as other things I am still coping and trying to deal with things.
I got an awesome review from She-Reviews this morning. Some people are just so genuine when they use words to describe the emotions of others and how they affect them in their writing; I can’t say that I find my writing to be what some others have classified it as. I just write to release my feelings. It’s better than keeping it inside, waiting to explode from an unknown source, waiting to cause me even more damage. I have to learn how to move on... and soon. This feeling of despair is going to kill me. It causes me more problems than what is necessary. If anyone has any other better way of coping, please feel free to leave a comment. I have to go now tho. I will probably leave another entry later on today, but then again maybe not. It all depends on how my day goes.
