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diaryland
(Clinching-}
{2003-04-22} {12:49 a.m.}
Yes, yes it’s been a long day. I made it to be a reviewer. I review diaries at Review-World. Check it out sometime. Okay enough of self promoting now.
Back to the usual day-to-day drama…
Do I have anything special to discuss? Perhaps, but it’s a little hard for me. It’s about Synthia. She’s making things hard for me. I feel close to her still. I know I can’t deny it, because the feelings are there. Lingering, waiting, and draining my psyche. I didn’t want to call her today, and I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t. And then there I was on the phone dialing her number, without even thinking. I thought she changed her number, so I don’t even know why I even dialed her number. Was there a part of me wanting and needing to hear her voice again? Her voice droning my insides as I tried not to think back to our past times of chatting and getting to know one another. Do I miss her? Hell yes I do. How can I not? I feel like I am stuck in two places, being pulled in two different directions. I never knew that loving people could be this hard. I love Synthia and I love Tasha. My dreams are confusing. I can start out with one dream, and then that one dream leads me to thoughts of Synthia and there I am again, back where I used to be, that place of peace and comfort. I’m almost lost within my own thoughts; sinking between my tidal wave of emotions and my desires of wanting. Why am I toying with my own emotions like this? Don’t I know that there are consequences? Of course I do, but how can I just break away from someone that I loved so deeply and so emotionally? It’s so hard and stressing.
When I called Synthia’s number I was scared beyond anything I have ever felt before. And, then I was off in a daze and she answered her phone. She knew it was me, and kept calling my name. But I couldn’t return the favor of speaking her name, and I hung up the phone. I felt so shitty to be quiet honest. I felt deceitful and shameless in my childish behavior.
What am I going to do when Synthia comes back? I know she will read my dairy. I just know it. She was my faithful reader when we were talking everyday, and I miss those days more than anything. I miss her voice, her singing, her face, her smile, and her dancing eyes as they would light up as I said her name. I miss all of it. I’m totally lost within myself and don’t know what to do.
I’m standing on the brink of destiny, wondering what’s going to come next.. I dream a dream, and then I think of the one who will take me there…but, now it’s twp people, instead of one. Where is my lack of compassion? Am I being selfish?
-Fuck-