Don't speak. Let me in.

(Burning the candle at Both ends-}
{2003-04-19} {4:29 a.m.}

I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I love two people at the same time, yet I know that my feelings for one are still stronger for one than verses the other. Yet, I want to love them both, but I can't have my cake and eat it too. I love one more than the other this is true. Yet, I am still drawn to the other for some unknown reason, and I want to let that person go. I just don't know how. I haven't spoke to this other person in almost a month now, but still I feel some sort of tie to them and that in itself is making things difficult for me. I have done a lot of deep soul searching and have come to a conclusion I think about the one I really love the most. But, how can I give that person my all, when I still feel a lost lingering for the other? My mind goes off of the end wondering and pondering crazy thoughts of who I love the most. The feelings I used to get for the other used to be such a raging fire of desire that have now dwindled down to just a spark. But, then when I go back and read our old convos together all of those old emotions come raging back like an erupting volcano. And then I feel guilty and beat myself down for not keeping my true convictions to my new emotions for the one I love now. I love this person now with soo much fire in my heart it makes my tears sting at night when I cry. I can’t fight off these crazy emotions anymore. It’s starting to take its toll on me and I feel like such a player, and that is soo not me. I tried calling the old flame today to see if my old emotions would start to ignite gain, but that person has since then changed their whole number, therefore dwindling what I thought would still be there. Even though my heart was crushed, I guess I already knew 2 weeks ago that things had gotten a little precarious between the two of us. I miss her a lot and I won’t deny that. I wish that she would have at least have had enough decency to tell me that her feelings had changed for me. So, that in itself is gut wrenching for me. I want to cry, but I refuse to give into to the hurt once again. I’ve cried over this person a long enough time already. I just don’t understand how someone can say that they love you, and just walk away as if you meant nothing. Is it time for me to put her picture away and move on, and act as if nothing ever happened? No. I can’t do that to someone I loved as much as I loved her. But, I can however work past the heartache and move onto the new love of my life. This person came into the picture right about the time I started losing contact with the other, going thru a tedious amount of crashing emotional waves; I landed right in the palm of their hand. Now my heart has completely fallen for this person, but something is holding me back. Is it because I haven’t heard anything from this new flame in 3 days or is it just me running on lost fuel, hoping to ignite a cold, burned out flame? Where is my yahoo wizard when I need him? Someone help me please. I’m crying out for help here. I’m going crazy inside and I “know” the one I love, it’s just a matter of getting to them and receiving their answer before I plummet to far, and I end up falling flat on my face.

-Flickering Candle-

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