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diaryland
(Baby's Breath-}
{2003-04-14/15} {11:31 a.m.}
She missed her partner and some days would cry ancient tears of bitterness feeling the venom puncture her heart. Filling her with malice; in a vindictive behavior she would think of him, for leaving her unaided in the malicious world. Some days her malevolence would pass and her compassion for man she loved would fill her empty heart again. Creating the images of their past together, she would embrace herself and cherish the memories of being with him. Closing her eyes she would pass back thru a time of innocence and purity. She could forever see the way he smiled as his loving words were unspoken bleed thru her body and filling her with so much tenderness.
She smiled but in her eyes her sorrow always showed as she mused over forgotten emotions. Music playing in the back of her mind, she could hear the words “I can’t live without you” She couldn’t let go of all her sorrow as remembered her empty tomorrows and how empty she would be.
Dancing on broken dreams she would let the tears trickle down her face, like a falling heavy rain. For this day, there were cracks in the floor of heaven splintering upon her weakness. Feeling a fading embrace let her go and she cried for the first time her countless tears of heart break and she let go. Exiting the pain within her she came to terms that she would be a single parent. Alone in a callous world, filled with gossip of seedless rumors of her being a tramp of some sort. No one would ever know of the plans she had with the love of her life. She knew people would gesture and stare and make unkindly remarks to her being pregnant. Their motions sneering and mocking her scornfully. She didn’t know if she would be able to hold out for such continuous torment.
Suffering through the loss of a loved one, while still nurturing an unborn infant she knew it would be difficult. Through guidance and reassurance she knew that she could continue to keep trying and would be able to hold on longer, stronger more understandingly without the insensitivity of others pointing at her making her look as tho she were some kind of bad trouble maker, out to gather attention from others for some false aspect.
Sometimes she wondered why people were prejudiced in just assuming the wrong automatically in others, when in almost all cases they were wrong. They couldn’t see or know the hurt or see the hope in her eyes. They should become a little closer she was thinking and dismissed the thought just as quickly. People with unsuspecting wisdom have no idea what a lonely teenage girl goes through at times like this.
She often thought so many times what people would have thought if she was still with her fiancée. Would their stares be differently towards her, or would they still be the same? People gawking at her did pure torture to her; did they not know how inadequate it made her feel inside? She couldn’t handle the stares and inconspicuous lies being said about her.
She continued to walk onto her doctor’s appointment without looking over her shoulder at everyone’s dirty gestures. She reaches the office and walks inside and tells the receptionist of her scheduled appointment with her doctor. The receptionist was very friendly and courteous towards her. She was grateful for that.
“Hi. I have a doctor’s appointment with Dr. Ramona”
“And your name miss?”
“Shelly Greene”
“Okay hon. please have a seat and she will be with you shortly”
She took a seat next to the window looking out onto the ocean across from the shore line. She was swept away in the silence of the waves crashing on shore. Closing her eyes she reminisced the days of her and her fiancée holding hands and speaking of their dreams together. A smile pressed its way onto her lips as she remembered the things he used to say to her. Recalling the sweet memories of her loved one a tear began to creep upon her eye lid and fall in silence. She took her hand and wiped away the wetness from her eyes as her face was dampened with the sadness that was beginning to course its way into her heart.
She began to drift off into another realm as she sat in quiet solitude rehashing bitter words that were said between her and her fiancée on the day that he left her. Why was she torturing herself this way she thought to herself and tried to brush off the sadness. She took a deep breath and regained her composure before her name was called.
“Miss Greene. Please come this way”
She rose to her feet and followed the doctors’ nurse into a cold white walled room filled with pictures of infants on a long wall. She gazed in silence as she looked at the pictures and felt a sweet sadness fall upon her. How she wished he was there with her. But, she knew that wasn’t possible because he was so far away. He was off combating in a war overseas.
She wanted to share the peacefulness of their child growing within her. She held herself closely as she pressed her knees close to her chest as she tried to conceal the pain from her face as her physician walked into the room.
“Hello Miss Greene. How are you feeling today?”
She tried not to shed the tears that wanted to fall as she spoke.
She raised her head and looked into the most innocent face of a woman she had ever seen. The woman’s face was well rounded with eyes of a deep blue crystal color and a smile that would melt your heart. Blonde hair cascading around her face made her skin glow a softness that was never known to her. She wished at that very moment that she could be that woman. A person so full of pride and worthiness, and yet so innocent. She cleared her throat and spoke softly to her.
“I’m not feeling very well Dr. Ramona”
“Tell me what the problem is dear”
And Shelly opened up her heart and spoke of her fiancée and how hard it was for her to be going through a pregnancy alone, especially at her age. She told her of the pains she was having and how she was afraid that her stress may become a problem for her unborn child. Much to her amazement she found herself telling her doctor everything about her life and how she got to be where she was at the present. Her doctor smiled and said great things to her and eased her stress and worries.
From there she was given a sonogram and several tests to see if the baby was growing accordingly. Her doctor told her to wait in her room until the results came back before she left to go home.
Shelly sat in her room with her conventional gown on and waited in silence. She was wondering what her tests were going to reveal and became scared of the unknowing prospect that something could be wrong. Could she be mistaken in her feelings of inadequacy? She was beginning to make herself feel apprehensive because of her previous faults in her past. She began to wonder if having her child was the correct thing to do. She knew she would be chastised as a young teen mother with no father around. And then there she was once again thinking about the ignorance of people and their ugly virtues. She detested herself for having no self admiration to be strong enough to carry on, on her own.
Damning the people that would bring her heartache; as she would be going thru the next few months on her own. Infantile behavior of others virtues becoming an insidious comfort zone for unsuspecting commoners as they pass by, judging her for unknown reasons was beginning to make her emotions become cold and uncaring.
She tried to unwind and think of the better things she had to look forward to. Even though she would be alone for awhile, she knew her fiancée would be coming home to her. So why was she being so hard on herself? Was it because of the calloused people that circumscribed her on the outside? She let go of the bad thoughts and reflected on her baby.
She placed her hand on her stomach and whispered to her growing infant inside of her. She made promises that she had never gotten as a child, and swore to keep them til her dieing day. Her child was her life, and he hadn’t even entered the world yet. She promised to protect her child from all of the burdens of life as much as she could. Even though she knew she probably couldn’t protect her child from all things she knew she was going to do her best. She felt that her insecurities would benefit her as a better parent. And, she knew that she could give her child all of the love and warmth that she didn’t get as a child.
She heard a tap on the door and her doctor came back in and asked her some more questions about her family history. She didn’t really know as much as she should have about her family, and became a frightened inside. Regaining her false composure she asked her doctor what the purpose of the questions were and her doctor told her that it was just a normal process of procedures. For some reason she just didn’t believe her doctor and began to stress herself with more worries.
Her doctor looked at her and noticed the fear come across her face and talked to her more and tried to console her. Letting her know that there was no reason for worrying, and that her baby was very healthy and fine. She could tell that her words of comfort weren’t affecting her and proceeded to go into lengthy details of what things she should worry about, and then Shelly began to relax. Dr. Ramona released her from outpatient care and sent her home with some antibiotics and prenatal medicine.
On her way home she reflected on her visit with her prenatal doctor and decided that she was going to do the best she could by not getting too stressed, learning that being stressed was no help to her baby in her first trimester of being pregnant. She never knew that a baby could feel what she felt on the inside. She knew this was going to be a big learning experience for her.
She wanted to nurture her baby and hold him and tell him much she loved him. And she promised that she would tell him everyday how much he was wanted and not a mistake. Her mother never praised her as a child and never said quiet enough how she was loved. She was going to prove to everyone that she was going to persevere and win the battle of ignorance of the people mocking her.
She finally made it home and rested herself on her sofa and just laid there reminiscing of old memories of her and her fiancée walking along the beach, holding hands and listening to whispers of the ocean breeze and the splashing of the water along the shore at their feet.
Time passed and she found herself drifting off to sleep traveling through her minds eye dreaming of forgotten dreams. She mused over and lived in her dreams inside her restless hours of rest. She dreamt of her time alone with her love and how they spent their happiest moments alone. A gentle wind came in her window and fell on her face delicately dancing upon her skin. She smiled at the touch of it, remembering of her time of being in her fiancées arms sitting on the beach one late night, under the stars. She could feel the warmth of his skin upon hers and she rested against his body, feeling so protected. The way he looked into her eyes that night melted her complete being and all of her failures in her past disappeared. Absentminded in his hands they made love on the polished sand. Her emotions going trough a tailspin of highs and lows, she knew she would never want to come back down from the feelings she felt going on side of her. His love making set her soul on fire, sending her on a frenzy of unforgettable journeys.
Each time he touched her body she could feel the goose bumps rise along her skin as she wanted him more. Her desire getting higher and sharing a moment that was so stunning, she never wanted to come back down to Earth. Two sixteen year olds immersed into to each others feelings of desire.
But she knew she had to go home soon, and so they walked her home, and she kissed him goodnight. But before he left her he told her that he had to leave and she asked him where he was going and he told her of his being in the military.
“John. Why did you keep this a secret from me?”
“I was only protecting you Shelly”
“Protecting me? What from? You just can’t presume to know everything John” And they continued to talk, leading their discussion into a bad argument with him leaving on a sour note.
How she despised not telling him how she really felt about him made her angry with herself. How was she ever going to the chance to tell him how much she loved him? How she would do anything to turn back time to that one special night and tell him how much he truly meant to her, instead of being defensive and pushing him away. She wanted just one more chance. Just one.
I wrote this short story because it is what I feel that people do unknowingly to others. Make gestures and point your incredulous finger at the other not caring how they may be feeling on the inside. A lot of teenage girls go through a lot of pain and humiliation. Those of us that choose to judge are no better than the others we complain about when and if they judge us.
So I am thinking that the next time we see a young teenaged pregnant girl walking the streets alone, think of what emotions are coursing through her as she walks alone. You never know that she may have lost a loved one, planned a future that may have failed, or what ever may be her circumstance. Don’t judge if you don’t like to be judged.