Don't speak. Let me in.

(I am wrong and I admit it-}
{2003-04-23} {11:53 p.m.}

Earlier today I did a wrong and insulted a person about their own inner feelings in a diary. Not even taking into the consideration of how she felt with her feelings, emotions and thoughts I was reckless and hurtful. I told her horrible one-sided things and made her angry.

What did I expect? A handful of roses? I should have received a lot worse from her, and I have apologized for my crude actions towards her. And, much to my amazement she accepted my apology. Therefore once again she is better than me, merely because she is better than me in the aspect of being a better person. Something I find that I am not.

I’m not the kind of person that is too proud to admit where they have made a mistake and I can accurately pinpoint my stupidity and apologize. I don’t sugar coat my excuses for my wrong behavior. I don’t have any actually. I just act like one big gigantic immature spoiled brat. I know how I am, and why I am the way I am. But just because I say I’m Bipolar isn’t enough. I have Multiple Personality Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder, Panic Disorder, Insomnia, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Schizophrenic Disorder, Manic Depressive Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder. (Among others.) And a handful of medication; to go along with it. Am I any closer to being “normal”? I don’t think so. I still struggle with my dark emotions when nightfall comes around. I sit and think and worry of what is to come next in my life. Who I am going to hurt, who is going to hurt me, and how I think I will cope with it all.

To Charlene: I would like to take this time to deeply express my apology of embarrassing you in a public view. In the publics open eye I have managed to hurt you, disrespect you and betray your trust of your most private feelings. I flaunted my actions upon you in my diary making things even harder for you, and making myself look like a fool. You are so right in what you said to me.

I know that I left you a message saying that I would delete the entry I posted, but sitting here I realized that if I did that no one would understand what I was referring to. So I let it remain in my entries, only for the sole purpose of this entry.

I am amazed that you accepted my apology. I was floored by it actually, to be truthfully honest. When I read your reply to my apology I realized who the better person was…you.

And, I called you pompous? Ugh. I have some nerve. I do believe my impudence is beginning to show.

Well, I really am getting pretty tired and need to go to bed. My actions to Charlene today totally drained me leaving me feeling like the big pile of shit that I am.

G’night-

preventry nextentry