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(Torn between two lovers-}
{2003-04-13} {9:15 a.m.}
Hmmm...[Andrew] popped back up on my screen 4 days ago. I wanted to talk to him, but then again I didn’t. Hoping that the feelings I had for him were dead and gone I answered his “Hello Baby” remark to me.
I didn’t say anything really special back I just said “Hello Andrew” And he said “How’s my Angel?” I wanted to cry right then and there. My feelings for him were still there, nonexistence, but not dead if you know what I mean. All the while I was talking to him I kept thinking about Syn. It will be almost a month on the 23rd that we haven’t spoken on the net. You fall in love, and then your heart breaks. And, you fall in love again. It's never ending. I love Syn with all of my heart. It’s just soo hard not knowing what someone else is thinking when you can’t talk to them. It’s not the distance that’s killing me inside, it’s the never knowing. Once upon a time there was all of that I love you feeling and I knew I was IN love and now I dunno. I have my heart breaking inside and don’t know which way to turn.
No I am not going back to Andrew if that’s what you think. He is a wonderful person, but my feelings for him are just… I dunno. Different. I don’t want to be with him anymore. I want to be with someone else. And, everyone who has been reading this diary knows who it is. You know my feelings inside and out. I have never loved anyone they way that I do [Syn]. Even when I had the deep affections for Andrew back in the day, I never had one dream about him. Not one. Yes I thought about him a lot, but dang it just wasn’t there yah know? If I could just hear Syns voice just once more I would have my answer. But I can’t and I don’t know if I ever will again. It’s been 2 weeks now since we last spoke to one another. I keep leaving voice messages on Syns cell tho. It’s getting to be rather difficult for me. Fighting with issues inside of me of wanting to face defeat of yet again being broken hearted, but then again not wanting to because how can I be so sure that Syn still doesn’t love me? I mean with the things Syn told me in a month’s period of time I knew Syn was IN love with me too. No one has ever revealed the things to me that Syn did/has... Ever. Maybe I ran Syn off. I will never know. Constant tears fall as I cry on a pillow at night that is usually soaked by dawn. Tears are in my mind, body and soul everyday awake or sleeping. I can’t explain how I feel or how much it hurts. If I could I would, but if anyone understands I know [Pam] does. I know Pam can relate to everything I say. There are others too. But the connection between us and our pain is just unexplainable. It’s like we are the same soul, but in two different bodies, at different stages in our life because of our ages. But unknowingly everything is the same. So much alike are we that few fail to recognize.
I want to be with Syn. But I don’t know if I will ever have that opportunity anymore. And that alone is killing me. Torn between two lovers and I don’t know what to do. I know who I love and want, and I know who loves and wants me and it’s killing me. Someone help me! Oh yes and one more thing to all of you people that think I suck, read the [Letter] Pam wrote to me and yes the one [Tasha] did too! Open up your eyes and see the person that is really inside of me!
-Going Insane and wanting Syn-