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diaryland
(You're not here}
{2003-09-02} {12:04 p.m.}
I have this undying need to tell you so many things. I have so many things I want to tell you; so many things you still don't know about me, yet so many things you do. I want you to know everything about me- every thing. You only know the things that happened that have took place in my childhood, and things from the past few years.
You've read my diary- probably everything that's here and there So you know what happened to me as a young child (??)
There are still so many things I still don't remember - they appear from time to time in my dreams -
all of the things I tried to purposely block out mentally. Somehow late in the hours they are still able to resurface, and I wake up in the night crying, wishing at those momets she were here. But I know she can't be, so I just cling to my pillow, take a deep breath, and inside of my mind I pull her closer to me.
Sometimes late at night I can almost recite her words one by one- but I hold onto the bits and pieces that mean the most to me. When her spirit calls on me-
I give every part of me and I slip off into this dreamy place... I can't explain it.
My dreams are sporadic but spread out through the night. And I just can't sleep. And its starting to consume me during the wakeful hours of my days.. I can't- won't let it be that way.
In my dreams I am everything I ever wanted to be - everything that I am not when I'm awake. But things I know I could be; I just feel as though I can't... why? Becuase you're not here.
And why am I letting that stop me from becoming? I dont know yet.. I will figure it out wehn the time comes I suppose.. right now I just have the feeling of needing to be loved and touched and I cant reach you... Becuase you're not here...
I'm still holding on.. and I'm still trying to be strong.. I promised.. I wont break my promise.. this love is starting to hurt and inside that hurt Im beginning to feel the pain isndie of what you have been feeling all along. How could I have been so blind? Where was I when your tears were streaming dpwn your face; in your moments of need.. Im too late to arrive to ask you to forgive me for not being there.. and I'm foolish enough to still believe that you will.. and that you will tel me you love me.. but I cant see you.. and its killing me inside.. I don't want to hurt this way.. how are you coping with things between the silent walls of communication?
I will never know will I? I will only be able to "feel" like I always have...
and there's no sunshine here.. only rain...as the fog begins to surround me and take me back to my forgotten stance of nothing... the only place I will ever recognize and belong...