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diaryland
(Momma -}
{2003-08-25} {10:41 a.m.}
Sitting here in the early mnorning I have a cigarette in one hand and a drink in the other - just letting the chemicals flow through my veins as I think of things and wonder just what it really is that I am feeling. I miss someone but then I think that I am shallow because of the feelings that I am having and then the fear comes again. I don't want to be this way. Even my own children have picked up on my silence. One doesn't seem to care and one asks me if I'm alright. I'm tossed between feeling soemthing and feeling nothing at all. I feel like the words that someone once spoke to me- I feel like I am at a loss for words and everything seems so meaningless.
I don't want to write anymore. I don't want to do anything, but then are times when I do. Do you know what it feelsliek to go from homeless situation to the next? Do you even know how it feels to try and better yourself when you dont have the means to know where to begin? Do you know how superficial you begin to feel when you realize that your conmputer means more to you than your worldly possesions? Have I become so naive in my own life that I can't recognize the difference between what's important and what's not? I don't like me anymore... I don't like what's on the outside or what's on the inside, I feel like I am covering up the real me so you can't find me. Only one person knows the real me insid eand out, but they can't ne here when I need them the most - they live over a million miles away and across the oceans peak - the only wayI can reach them is through emails - holding onto thatdream that they will someday find the time to return my email.
Momma where did you go after you gave birth to me? What happened to everything you were supposed to offer? What happened to my mothes love for her child?
You said goodbye... I can't even remember what you look like anymore. You gavelife to me and then abandoned me.. all I ever wanted was the guarantee of you loving me... on my birthdayit will be 15 years we haven't spoken to one another. Yes I know I left home the day of my high school graduation; but didn't you ever open your eyes and see that you were pushing me away? You were supposed to be my shelter in the raging storm... but you chose him over me... him the asshole who abused your child, him whom you sheltered with blind faith and lies because you were weak.. what did you teach me after all of these years? Nothing. I try to be stronger then my fears but still I fail.. I fail because I blame you for not being there. You could have taught me how to be stronger than what I am and how to accpet things without the fear ofbeing rejected. To learn that rejection didn't mean I was lacking in something and that I am a good person on the inside.
Now I learn everything on my own in the late stages of motherhood, with friends across the globe on the internet, when I should have known them in my childhood years.
Did you even know that I went to college and dropped out after the first year? Did you knowthat I did struggle to make something of myself on my own? Did you know you were a grandmother four times over? Surely you remember that event when I went to see you when Sammi was just a few months' old- even though I was hurt by you I came back to you to show you I had a daughter, your grandaughter; and you pushed me away. Do you even remember the words you said to me? Did you know that you killed me that day when you said you had a grandchild and it wasn't mine? Would you even care to know how I cried for months carrying the burden of knowing that you pushed me so far out of ypur life that I knew that no matter how hard I tried my children would never know the benefits of having a grandparent and know how it felt to be loved unconditionally? Did you know that I never even knew what love was until I had my own children?
Would you even care if I called you to let you know that your oldest greandson is having his 13th birthday? Of course not. You have let that man control you for so long you wouldn't even budge.
What would you have done if I called you and told you that you almost lost your youngest grandson when he was 3 when he was hit by a motorcycle? Would you even care?
You fought so long and hard when I was young to get me back why can't you fight now? Why Why Why? Why did you push me away? Was I that unloving to you?
Must have been because look at where I am now...