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(Just a little more sound -}
{2003-08-25} {1:50 p.m.}
I have been fighting with so many emotions inside over the past week. I wish that I could tell you all that I am happy but I'm not. I wish I could talk to the one person that means the world to me - offering me her words of strength and wisdom. Maybe if I would have told her long before now how much her words mean to me maybe she'd be here. Maybe she is here and it's just me that can't reach her (??) It seems so hard to start over again. I have done this so many times and failed at every attempt. What one thing makes me think that this is going to be any different that all of the other failed attempts? Nothing; I have nothing to grasp onto but my lost inner strength of maybe being able to find soemthing inside of that will rekindle that old spark I used to have and regenerate my old self when I was stronger and knew that I could almost conquer anything that came across my path. Before I found out what happened to my girls, before I went down hill and before I tried my first attempt at suicide and cutting myself. But now there's so much stuff making me cry and I need some help. Through all of my thousand prayers and millions of words will voice ever be heard? One dream can change my world but I know that dream is so far out of my reach and I tossed it into the river not even trying to find my way here on Earth.
My life seems to be a mixed up blend of concoctions prescribed by a bad doctor where I should be patient and let life ride itself out, I only seem to question my abilities more everyday causing more fear to come inside and knock open the doors that I thought I closed off to everyone and everything.
There's a flower in thge smallest garden reaching for the light and there's a candle in the darkest corner conquering the night but why can't I fight for something as well? Has all of my energy lost itself in the ride with the wind trying to take my dreams where they have never been? Why do the smallest things kick me when I am down... Up and down. Lipstick and bruises. I need a guardian because my Angel is taking a smoke break again.
Do any of you understand? I feel like I am leaving this huge internet note to the blank world out there waiting for someone to take notice and by some miracle come and offer to save me; fully knowing that no one can save me but myself. I can't say something as simple as "I'm sorry I had a bad day again.. or I'm sorry please just try to undertsand" nothing is that way anymore. Everything is more complicated now because I DO want someone to undertsand. I so badly need someone to understand. Someone to talk to. But more importantly someone to hold my hand too while I chase my demons away. The only person that does I can't reach and to you I say this my dear sweetheart - You are my world and my life would be lost without you. But I sense that you want to alone and I am granting you that. I will never let you leave my mind as I continue to love you day in and day out... still wishing that I could reach out and touch you. You have your life and the things you need to do and I am sorry for begging you to forgive me for all of my haste and the letters I sent you before. I showed you my world, as much as I could offer and felt like I got nothing in return.. but not because you didn't want to I know you couldn't because you have no words. I do undertsand and that's why I letting you live your life the way you need to.
Just remember that when ever you need me or you want to talk you can just send me an email. I know you asked me not to let you push me away and I did that. I didn't push me away - nor did you. I think you you pushed yourself away the very day you revealed your innner emotions to me. Two emails and then nothing. It's almost like a fairy tale dream where you emerge in my life, express your emotions and then disappear.
You are still locked away inside the crevices of my mind and put away in the deepest part of my heart where you always have been and I know that you will still be there for months to come and when I need you, I can just unlock your presence inside of meand cry my eyes out until I hear your words piercing my mind telling me that everything is going to be okay.
I didn't want to come back down from the high you gave me and all of this time I have felt alone... but not so alone that you have abandoned me. I just feel like the more I try the more I push you away. So I think that I will go back to where I was before all of this started... to the secret place inside of me where I knew you always were without having to worry so much and thinking about whether you loved me or not. Its taken me all this time to find out what I need and I still dont want to let go... even though I know deep inside that I have to instead of spending all of my days floating on a nonexistant cloud waiting for my dream to come true. Yes I left my body lying somewhere as I watched my world float to the darkside of the moon... I will keep you by my side but will you be there holding my hand when I call out your name? I just need a little more sound... oh where have you gone? Every breathe and every step I take still brings me closer to you and your delicate words still work me like quicksilver... I hope to hear from you soon...