Don't speak. Let me in.

(Trying to find me}
{2003-08-19} {11:53 a.m.}

Everytime I try to be somes something, trying to be their everything - my some kind of perfect I end up being nothing. I am tired of opening myself up and feeling whats there and having them leave just as easily as they came. Why is that when I think that I have found someone that will be different from all of the others they end up just like them. I try so hard to be that 'perfect' I'm nothing. When I used to think that I was actually something I was happy. I lived off of the words others told me and I started to think that I could be something. If they allowed me that time to be in their life didn't that give me a reason to think I could be?

Everything that I have ever tried to be fails, I can be so close to being that'something', feel myself start to grasp that feeling od being happy, and just as soon as O begin to "feel" it slips away just as easily as it began. I don't think that I'll ever "be".

I tell myself constantly "It's not going to wrk, I know it is osn't.. it can't" I can't see myself as being anyones anything anymore.I guess it's because I will always be temporary, and I have become so accustomed to people leaving.

But then again I can't even begin to explain what I feel.(Has all of the love I felt been built on lies?)

I poured out my heartand I feel like its being trampled on like it was nothing. Sure you will say you're sorry- but are you really? I have to ask you - Do you really think you loved me? Or were you just feeling it because you wanted to? You weren't just anyone to me. All I wanted was a chance, thaqt opportunity to prove that I could be. But everything changes and nothing ever stays the same. *Why* do I do this to myself?Fall under the spell of words captivating me, making my heart feel what really isn't there? Some how all of this doesn't seem real to me; I wanted to believe but my head was telling me things differently from my heart and I wouldn't listen. I pushed even harder to make something become real, when in the end I did what I always do. I pushed you away.

No one is ever going to fingme, and I will alwaysbe this nothing - this empitness that I thought was lost behind me, that's now come back to haunt me.

All of the reasons I put in front of myself to heal from my past has failed.

I told her I confronted my fears and my past- and I did! I was doing so well.. Then she said those words to me and everythging that I had been hiding on the inside came rushing back like a tidal wave and we passed words between us and then there was nothing...I would send emails, my deepest felt emotions; everything that I have ever felt, hoping for the unknown. Well, I guess I have my answer - nothing. There fore making me feel like I am nothing.

But nothing has to turn into something somewhere - doesn't it?

Should I tell her how much I cry when n o one is looking? Maybe so - but I can't. I can't tell her how much she's hurt me . I'm not like that. I'm not mad at her, I'm just hurt. And, I'm tired of feeling things alone.

I want a sing - something- anything. I am here and she knows it- I make myself known, but I never know where she is, or of she's reading my words - my deepest thoughts and emotions.

I can't cry - I won't cry - I won't let myself "feel" anything ever again. I'm tired f hurting.

preventry nextentry