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diaryland
(The Summer and Ghettobootie3-}
{2003-06-04} {10:17 a.m.}
She is officially dead. She killed her site – all because of me I suppose and something I pasted in her comment book- nice to know what words of encouragement can do. Meh. *laughs* If I don’t laugh I will surely cry... and I want to be so far passed that now. I’m tired of showing my vulnerability and weaknesses.
Here’s what I said to her:
“I hope that the sunlight comes into your day and glows upon your body and shines through to your heart... take every moment in our life together and bend it into a shape of something beautiful and not hard and cold.
Let the love that we pocess together be our strength for each other to lift ourselves up in our moments of need and wanting- The love we share together combine us into one formality that we shield ourselves with our own armor of love and caring and we transform our mind and soul into a beautiful creature such as a butterfly and break free from our cocoon and fly.
Together we can take on the world... beautifully and wonderfully graceful.
Hold all of the love you pocess in your heart and hold it in your hand and squeeze it as tight as you can and never let it go.. One day on the other side of that love you will find something so great and can take off on an adventure and be free to be yourself...I love you and I am pleased to call you my friend.. I love you buh bye”
I hope she realizes that I meant good things in those words I said and nothing terrible at all.
Yes I locked my diary- so what. Does that mean she’s the cause of it? No not exactly- only a slight part of it. I had to get away from certain things, as well. And as the beginner of starting a locked diary trend she should be able to understand that. She’s has her peaceful place to be at now- and she likes it better that way- I can almost say the same thing for myself. I like it. I’m not away from diaryland. But I am away from certain things such as people with their cutting words and what not. And I’m not sorry that I locked this diary. It’s what I have to do right now.
I hope that whatever takes place in her life that she is happy and moves on without any more scars. I guess in a way I was more hurt than help- although I did try. Maybe I just tried too hard. I do that sometimes. And when in the end things end up with me or the other person hurting I realize I didn’t or shouldn’t have tried so hard to please them. Things will come together soon enough. Like Jette said "Give her space and things will blow over eventually"
She needs space and I want an over abundance of something else besides space.
Each of us is a unique being so we each have a unique purpose in life. Once we know and align with our purpose, life becomes more meaningful. Decision-making becomes easier. We create more of what we want in life. We feel better as we make a difference in the lives of others. We experience more love, peace, joy, freedom, service, understanding and fulfillment.
Someone once told me this “Explore within to understand your deepest motivation for doing these things. Don’t judge yourself. Just be aware. Understand and accept who you are”
I don’t know if I ever could... even though I’m still surfacing through the past and making my way to the now- my future. It doesn’t look as bleak as I had imagined it to be. Thanks Melody for helping me develop stronger into things I never knew possible. I will never forget you and your words of grace.
Now onto other things-
We all know that I’m living here in this hell hole right? With the “Its” Well- It1 didn’t know that It2 knew that I had gotten my check yesterday and I kept it hidden from her. It1 bitched all day about her not having a car and how she felt defenseless as a person by not having another form of a means of survival. Well hmm last I looked It1 you haven’t been normal for years. So what’s a mere 343 dollars gonna do? Sure isn’t going to give you that tummy tuck and ghetto bootie lift you have been bitching about for how many years now?? Go on a slim fast diet bitch and quit your bitching. I don’t care how your fat rolls over your body and makes you think you are shrinking. You’re still ugly to me. And you will always smell like a box of band aids.
I waited all day for her to say the words “I’m going out” Oh the jubilee of happiness that soared through my face erupted through my pumping veins and made my face break out in a happy dance. She said to me “Why are you so happy? You want to go too?” And I said “Oh hell no” Should I have said I would rather crawl up in a bed of cockroaches rather than been seen out in public with a bar fly? I could have said “Nah that’s okay” but I didn’t. I was rude and evil to It1 and It2 sat back and laughed hysterically. Why? Well because I said something to effect of “No- because when you go out you are embarrassing and when you get out on the dance floor you don’t just dance- you wiggle and jiggle like a bowl of old nasty jello and Earth cracks when you move.” And I then retorted "When you say I need to go out and get some exercise- I get all the exercise I need when I walk around you all day" I would love to say that she’s as big as a house but she isn’t- she’s just extremely ugly and I spend the whole day running from her.
So I waited until 9 30 and she was out the door and I bolted out the back door got on a bike to go the store to cash my secretly hidden stash of cash. I felt like a secret agent hiding from a band of thieves.
I was on a good roll of riding this bike of my daughters [mind you I looked like the gimp from the circus riding it] Hey what can you do? I was in a hurry and the store closed in less than the ten minute ride I had to make it there.
So I’m pedaling as fast as my stubby legs would pump and tried to pedal uphill. Do you know how stupid a 33 year old fat ass woman looks trying to pedal uphill on a child’s bike? Oh gees- don’t ask. And if you’ve seen the after effects of it then don’t laugh when I tell how I walked like a drunker when I got inside of the store. The cashier was looking at me like I was some kind of mass of weirdness as I collapsed at the counter and panted like a dog in heat. That little assclown called over the manager and told them to escort me from the building because I was drunk. Please! I wasn’t drunk- I was an old ass ghetto booty 33 year old moron who rode my daughters’ bike to the store to get my check cashed. And I wanted my money! And I was tired and my legs were like jello. I had to lean onto the counter to keep my balance. Bastards.
After I caused a scene I finally got my check cashed and yeah- I’m the winner of the moron award! Oh yeah go me- not. I fell on the ground as I pedaling my fat ass home. What a sight I must have been to the cars that drove by. One person yelled at me to get my fat ass out of the rode. And I just gave them the finger. It made me happy to be an ass.
So needless to say I had an eventful moment on a bike that looked the size of a little tyke bike as I pedaled my gruesome fat arse to the store and back. Oh well.
It’s just another funny moment chalked up in my book of embarrassing moments. It’s not such a great loss now is it?