Don't speak. Let me in.

(Reply to part 2- (Awaiting part 3)-}
{2003-04-06} {7:36 p.m.}

Chrissi,

Thats awful that you don't have any contact with your mother.. 15 years?? I don't think that I would be able to handle that, let alone imagine how that must feel. That was extremely lovely of you Chrissi, taking your daughter to your mother to show her that she has a grand daughter, I admire you in the way that all your intentions are fueled by the goodness of your heart, and your selflessness. I actually really feel like crying hun, what you say touches me so much. I feel anger towards your mother, I really can't believe that she chose that man over you. I know you probably love her and everything Chrissi, but you don't need a hurtful person like that in your life. And if she is going to treat you like that knowing all that you have been through, and being so heartless.. really, it must be horrible not to have a mother, but is it worth having one who only causes you so much hurt?

She is so cold. I just find it hard to even try and imagine what goes through her mind, how she thinks such thoughts and decides to take the side of her man who is in the wrong. Gawd, I find myself getting so angry!

Why was you sister cold to you? What happened between you guys? Chrissi, you are an amazing person, and if they can't see that and don't appreciate that.. then fuck 'em.. but I know it's hard because they are family and families are supposed to stick together through thick and thin. But it looks as though they haven't given you a chance.. they also haven't given you a chance to love them or forgive them.

Why do you do that to yourself Chrissi.. don't you know? Beating yourself down? I know we all do that in a little ways, but it seems as though you don't do it in just little ways. Why would you be unworthy? What do you have to do to be worthy? I think you do know love. You show so much of it hun. Don't ask whether you deserve something, because the answer will most prolly be no, and you know that. It's weird, like when I get depressed at times, I find myself looking for more things on top of other depressing things.. it's like I'm almost comfortable in my unhappiness and secretly enjoy it.. but not really. I have no idea of how to explain what I want to say. Depression is something you do to yourself, you think dark and horrible thoughts, you dwell on the past. It's something that only you can decide to triumph over. People can make you smile, sure.. and give you warmth. But it's through you deciding to accept these lil gifts that you drift from depression. In smiling, you control those muscles on your face.

There is no way of forgetting the past, but somehow you need to deal with that Chrissi - I know you know that.. in some way you have to accept what has happened and let it lie, find peace. Maybe each time you think of the past, just say to yourself.. that is exactly what it is.. the past.. nothing you can do to change it, no reason to dwell on it, instead look to the future, or if that seems to be dark too.. look to the now, just try and find some peace somehow. Think of your children, how beautiful they are, think of how you will feel when they come to show you your grand children one day, and how you won't turn them away, but embrace them as your family. Think of hope. Think of your goodness.

When you close your eyes Chrissi, what do you see.. without picturing anything in your mind, without even using your mind, use your eyes. Or even just staring off into the dark. Can you see little particles almost.. like dots, nothing is flat colour. When I close my eyes or look any where really and see past what is there, like looking at 3D pictures. I see little particales that seem to be constantly moving and changing colour. There is no total darkness, there is no flat colour. Nothing in life is just that.. flat. There is light in everything. Maybe wen waking up in the middle of the night, and you see this darkness, try and focus on the light.. and use this focusing on the light for everything in life. Never be narrow minded... look at everything from all perspectives.

Perhaps you should concentrate on taking things one day at a time. Focus on the now and wat you have got. I admire you for having gone through so much hun, for surviving.. you've gotten this far.. and having come so far in life, this is no time for giving up.

Dreaming is what I love most in life, and perhaps that isn't a good thing.. but they can really transport me from horrible thoughts and circumstances to a happier place within my mind. Can dreams come true? I don't know. There are a lot of things that I question in life.. but there are a lot of things that I want to believe in, that I choose to believe in. Love is one of them.. and dreams.. I like to believe in them.

We all long for love - it's a human need, I believe.. just like a lot of things really.. hope, faith, touch. You took me some where beautiful when saying that you wish that you were the wind. Thank you fo that.

Do you love yourself Chrissi? I know we all have little issues with ourselves.. but it is within yourself that these demons lie.. haunting your heart and ur mind. You said that you cant stand that you cant feel happiness by your self.. or something along those lines to me today. Maybe before you search the world for love from others, you should look inside yourself.. besides, that's where it all starts.. from that heart which beats within your chest, all the love that you give radiates unselfishly. But you neglect your own self. You are worth it.. You are.

I don't know what you will think of these words... I hope I don't sound as though I think I know everything. I'm just giving you some of my thoughts and feelings. There is no way that I can even begin to imagine the things you have been through. I love you.

Jess

preventry nextentry