index
older
profile
book
notes
cast
Links
Rings
Reviews
render
diaryland
(Part 1 to Jessie-}
{2003-04-06} {12:17 a.m.}
So, umm yeah I thought that I would take the time to email you and tell you why I admire you so much okay?
Are you originally from South Africa? I mean born and raised? I am originally from Panama City, Florida. I was taken away from my mom when I was in the 3rd grade and lived in a home for a while then was moved into a childrens home in Alabama. I hate that state still to this very day. I refuse to travel through that state. Some things in my life I just can't shake. They will be stuck in my mind forever. Just like me being raped by my own father. I was even molested by my grand father [on my fathers side of course] I guess thay had to keep it in the family. No one knows that I had nude photos taken of me when I was 6 or anything else that has happened to me. You read the story about what happened to me when I was little and how much it traumatized me. I truly do believe that you are the only one that has taken the time to read that story. [Besides my other friends, away from diaryland] I think that if anyone else would take the time, they would be able to understand me more. When you told me that you read that I was like oh my God why?! Because no one knows that it goes to a book I was writing. Yes I was writing a book. I never finished it tho. I couldn't bring myself to go there after I found out what heppened to my kids. Some of it I have posted in my diary. Some of it I haven't. Some parts are just...so hurtful and painful. I hate pain more than anything. Some people preach to me how I am supposed to learn and grow from most of my bad experiences but for some odd reason I can't. Every little bad thing sets me back, instead of helping me grow and move forward.
When I met Andrea almost 3 years ago I was in a very bad relationship with a previous friend. And with her being a pyschology major in college she helped me with all of the bad things that was going on in my life [with that friendship] And I finally was able to get the strength to walk away from it even though I ended up trying to kill myself because of her later on. She was the worst friend ever, and I didn't even realize it until much later. Andrea helped me with more things than she realizes and she doesn't even know it. She came across as being this little innocent person when on the inside she was dealing with alot of things too. She wasn't the type to open up and share them with anyone. She kept all of her feelings trapped inside. And then at the last moment she cracked and took things the wrong way. Ending our friendship over the stupidist thing ever. I do miss her and I miss our late nights of driving around and getting high. But I don't miss getting high. I gave up all of that stuff a long time ago. I don't even drink anymore. Really I don't. {sighs}
I feel like sometimes I have no life at all. So when I have one of my moments I always go back and read your diary. I do look up to you alot. I value the words you say to me. They mean more to me than you will ever know. Sometimes it has been you that has kept me going, just trucking along til the next day. Even after so many times I have just wanted to give up. You have no idea what your words do for me. Even up to littlest hug. Just knowing how much you care for me means a lot. One day I was reading an entry in your diary about your close friend Heather and her mom, and I just broke down and cried. I don't know what it is about me that I just feel everyone's pain. I don't know what it is at all. Maybe it's a defect within and being a "normal" person. I don't feel any less normal than the next person, really. I just have a few more problems than the others. I can't say that I'm not un normal either. Everyone has problems. Some people just have a better way of hiding it. I can't hide mine. I am like an open book. The minute you see an expression on my face, or hear my voice you just know. Umm let's see what else is there about me that you don't know. Oh I know. I was in a psychiatric hopital for 2 months. [When I was a little girl]
I had alot of severe problems as a little girl. All I had was nightmares most of the time clear up until I was 17 I do believe. Only good thing about my teen years is that I graduated early. I went to college for one year and then dropped out. I lost my scholarship due to my problems, so therefore I quit. Now about my teen years get ready for the bumpy ride on this one cuz it's just as bad and my younger years.
When I was in the 7th grade or somewhere around there I finally was able to go back home and live with my mom, but she had in the meantime married another ass fuck of a man. His name was Tommy. I hate any man by the name of Tom, Thomas, or Tommy. Within my first 3 weeks of being back home he had beat me with in an inch of my life all over a simple little mistake. That was my first time having to feel the pain of bruises on my body. And from there on out I had to live with bruises until the day I left home. I remember one time I was soo depressed that I wrote a letter to a friend of mine telling her I wanted to die. Tommy beat me with the buckle end of his belt and I couldn't walk for a week. I was finally able to go back to school after that week of being home, and I just couldn't sit down or anything. No one knew what had happened until about 3 days later. One of my friends saw me sitting alone by myself in a corner and that just wasn't like me at all. So she came over and touched my arm and I cringed and started crying and she asked me what was wrong and I wouldn't tell her anything and then she saw my arm. So later on that day at school I was called into the Guidance Counselors office and they made me drop my pants so they could take pictures. I felt so violated. And I just knew my mom was going to be pissed off cuz she would have thought I was the one that narked Tommy out, and I wasn't. So needless to say I had to sit there and be lectured on child abuse, even though I already knew all about it. I was taken home by my mom and she proceeded to give the "you deserved it" lecture. She eventually raised my shirt to look at my body, revealing every bit of ugliness that a bruise covered body could. She never hugged me or said she was sorry. Nothing. I was sent to my room, and was grounded for a long time. 2 months I think it was. I had to cook dinner, clean house, do basically everything but got no rewards. I wasn't allowed to watch tv, or listen to music. It was like living in hell.
I ran away 3 days before I graduated from highschool with Ben, who is now my ex husband, who was also the boyfriend of my sister. I still laugh at that and I don't even know why. I always told everyone "Well, if you've got it, you've got it. If you don't then you don't." So then they would say "So I guess you had it then eh?" And, I would say "Well it looks like it don't it" I never say that anymore though. Because I don't have shit at all. All I have to remember things by is pain and hurt from my past. I never even realized that I had been abused my whole life until last summer, when I started going to therapy. It's hard to imagine one person suffering through as much as I have. And, I still say that some people out there still have it alot worse than I do. I have never put my abuse in a category. Never compared myself to anyone else. Abuse is abuse, and that's just that. Who am I to judge others anyway? I am a nobody.