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(Email [Part 2]-}
{2003-04-06} {2:18 p.m.}
First off, No I don’t have any contact with my mother at all. I haven’t talked in her in almost 15 years. The last time I saw her was in 1988 when I went to take Sammi to her, and show her that she had a grand daughter. I went to her place of work, and had her paged and when she came around the corner and saw me; I wished that I could have died at that very moment. She came out and said to me what do you want? And I said I wanted to show you your grand daughter. And she didn’t even take one look at her or hold her. All she said to me was “All I have is a grandson, and he’s not yours” I was so hurt. I didn’t know what to say. I just turned around and walked away, and I have never looked back. I miss my mom, naturally. But, she chose the man that physically abused me over everything else that was a priority in her life. Myself being one of them. I have kept in contact with my little sister, but not as much as I would like to. The last time I saw her was abut 5 years ago, when Caitlin was just a baby. When I saw her she was cold to me as well. I wasn’t even allowed to hold my own niece. It pissed me off royally. So when I left there I was hurt as well. It’s hard to be close to family when all they do is hurt you. Umm you asked me if maybe I was an emotional person too. Yes I am Very much so. Sometimes I find myself crying at night for no reason at all. And when that happens I beat myself down like no tomorrow. I tell myself that I am unworthy of any affection that comes my way, and that I don’t do anything to deserve it. I am so used to pain, and heartache, I wouldn’t know love if it came up and bit me on the ass.
And then again sometimes it’s the really little things that get to me and I cry and cry and cry. I cry every time I think things like this too:
[Feelings Undefined
4:58 p.m. // 2002-05-09
(Current mood..Umm not sure)
Bleeding heart...shattered dreams... mistaken opportunities...total darkness
Chasing unforgotten dreams, that were buried in the past; that refuse to resurface. Living in the past with heartaches of things so far gone that won't let go. I see a failed past and an unforgiving future. I challenge myself everyday to do better than the last; but only fail as a mother, and a friend. Incessant sacrifices that won't let me be... Nightmares returning from whence I was a little girl. Waking up to tears streaming down my face, crying out for help in total darkness but nowhere do I see the light. Dreams of a neglected past and unseen future.. forces of nature combined with all of these and my life is on a tailspin to nowhere; going downward.. just waiting to crash and burn. I feel that somewhere in all of this pain and darkness I will find a way and make it out. I am a product of surviving.. sexual abuse, physical and emotional abuse. Beaten down memories, a past of living in hell, and a future of what's not known. I am absolutely scared to death. I don't wont to die a sad and lonely person, I want to learn how to live and be happy. Maybe someday I will make it. I need a friend so desperately bad in my life. Feeling so helpless and a lacking for hope of better things to come are getting pretty scary for me right now.
Dreams...Is that all that life is made up of? They can be fulfilling I suppose, but only if they actually have the means of arriving and taking place in your life. So far every dream I have had has been shattered or broken by someone else's cruel taunting or evil limitations put on my life. I am tired.. I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to be happy and die happy
Hmm... Mmhmm…yeah.. That’s what I want. To die a happy fool. Surrounded by tons of people that actually love me, not to come to my funeral to see if I'm actually dead. My main fear in life is not being able to surround myself with people that care and love me
Sure I have my kids.. they are beautiful.. but still they can't give me what I am wanting...I want to be accepted for who and what I am. I don't want to ridiculed or judged by people who would rather put a label on my name verses trying to get to know me.
Sometimes, I wish that I was the wind... flowing along the waters of the ocean Feeling the calmness of the waters flowing around me.. Quiet calm and peaceful... taking it in and letting it sink in to the very depths of my soul washing away all of my fears and doubts of the unknown and worries.. Just letting me be me .Just once I would like to feel peace within the wreckage of my broken heart, the bondage of the chains are killing me. I don't want to sink to the bottom of the ocean anymore and lay dormant with all of the other ghosts from the past. I want to know what happiness and love is and take that and share it with all of the people I love. Tranquility is one thing I have never had the opportunity to experience... maybe someday I will... right now all I have is what has been laid out and dealt in front of me. An unforgettable deck of cards with scars and bent edges from a lifetime of bad dealings... that's me and that's how I feel right now.]
It’s always the things that I shouldn’t worry about, that I do worry about. I baffle myself sometimes. I can’t control my emotions, or the taunting I give myself, by replaying old dead scenes in my mind. Images that should be left alone. Why and how I resurrect things from the deadness in my mind is beyond me, but I know its not beyond my control. I fight and fight, trying to control it. And, just when I think I have it beaten I have another nightmare. I awake in a room filled with darkness, cold, alone, and scared beyond any other fear I have ever felt in my life. Sometimes I will just lie in the dark and hold myself as I cry for ever. So many times I have just wished that my sadness would just drift away and disappear like a breeze passing you by as you walk on a warm summer day. But, that’s not reality is it? Nothing that we ever dream for is reality. Someone once made a quote towards my diary and said “A great read… if you’re looking for a nice reality check” I never knew what she meant by that until a few days ago. I was skimming thru some parts of my diary and found some of the most meaningful entries and I couldn’t believe that I actually wrote them. I felt the passion, and the sadness behind every word, and realized what everyone else was connecting to. But, still on the inside of my heart I break. Why do I suffer soo much inside? All I want is for someone to love me.