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(Holes in the floor of Heaven-}
{2003-04-03} {11:24 a.m.}
[One day shy of six years old
My life had passed away
My father broke my innocence
And drowned my soul that day
I was a broken hearted little girl...
How I cried when I let go
Cause there's holes in the floor of heaven
And my tears are pouring down
Wishing I couldn't be here now
And sometimes when I'm lonely
I wonder if anyone can see
There are holes in the floor of heaven
And who is watching over me
This may be my last entry for a while. I am struggling with soo much these days. Having gone to court everyday this week [and, it's still going] I have been severely depressed, and I have no one to turn to. I did talk to Synthia yesterday for a short while. She is doing well, but it's a shame that I am not. I wanted to tell her how I was feeling inside, but I can't. She needs to be happy instead of worrying about me.
I cried today when the sky let go with a cold lonesome rain. I feel like my life is going to come to an end. When will someone really be able to SEE me? Seasons come, and seasons go, but nothing ever stays the same. I wish someone could be here now. What happened to the Angel that was watching over me? Oh yes, I remember...she ended our friendship.
I feel so naked, and without truth. I wake up every morning, and wonder how I am going to get through another day. I feel so unprotected…trying to remember from day to day how I even made this far. Did I rely on others my whole life to get this far? Is it time for me to runaway now? I don’t want to, but yet I can’t hold on. I feel myself slipping away. I saw it in my eyes this morning. My eyes empty, and gazing at nothing. I have no happiness in my life alone.
I think my power gets shut off tomorrow. I have no way to come up with what I need to pay my bill. My life has turned to shit, and I am sitting here whining about it. Geez how good am I?
Why do I no have money? Well, that’s because I’m not allowed to work, because my psychiatrist is an over bearing bitch. I really have NO LIFE. I sit at home and clean and do nothing. [All day] I do try to get out, but things like yesterday always fuck it up.
Gah!!
Wanting to venture out of town yesterday, led to disaster. Tire blew out on the interstate. Leaving myself and friend stranded for hours. Finally getting help from a stranger it took all of the money I had left to buy a tire, leaving me broke and nothing to do. I couldn’t even pay my power bill. She didn’t have any money. I wasn’t going to be a greedy bitch and tell her no I wasn’t going to help. I was just seriously upset because instead of putting my priorities first I chose to do something else, and fucked every thing up for myself. Bah. What a crappy day.
I have to go back to court today at 1:30 and look that perv in the eyes again. Isn’t about time for him to die now? Why does it glorify him so much to watch me and my children suffer? I hate him and want him to die for what he has done to my family. One more day....if he doesn't take the plea today I will scream and claw his cold heartless perverted eyes out! [Sighs]
Well, I know this entry is lame and I haven’t gone into any great lengthy detail of anything, but I really must go. Don’t miss me. I’m not worthy of it at all.
-Shit-