Don't speak. Let me in.

(Tasha and Pam-}
{2003-04-03} {10:13 p.m.}

Hey Tasha- Hey Pammie I am sorry about the messages I left in your diaries. I'm just ahhh so messed up right now. This being my last night on the net for god knows how long, not even knowing if my neighbor will let me use her comp for a while [til I get my power back on]
Geez if you only knew half of the stuff I am going through. People in general would be a little more understanding. I REALLY am a bad mom. I can't pay my rent, or my power bill. I figure I will be a homeless hobo by the time I get myself together. Gah!

I tried to talk to Synthia all day today. She changed her message on her cell phone saying that she wasn't going to accept any more calls until after 9 pm her time. 8 mine. I feel like she has changed it because of me. I leave her messages but I never get a response. I hate this feeling of emptiness. Yah know? I feel like because of all of the drama going on in my life she has decided that she doesn't want anything more to do with me. It's Just like me to lose all of the people closest to me. You and my ex friend Andrea and I dunno lots of people. I get a little jealous when I see people leaving you notes and saying such great things to you on such a regular basis. I hardly get any, and then today I cried because no one had a goodbye entry for me. It made feel less of something. I can't pin point the word I want to use tho.
I know I feel like I am a nobody. I told you today Tasha how I felt, even tho I came across as sounding childish. I really am hurt. I write entries about all kinds of people, ranging from you, to Pam, to a few friends of mine. But, yet I get nothing. It looks as if you two are closer than I am to either one of you. I am glad that you have that. I was never really much of any help to either of you anyway. I can see that now. It hurts me to know that I have pushed you both away. I read your entries to each other and cried because I don’t have that kind of relationship with anyone. I guess some things just never go the way you want them to. Maybe I’m really not friendship material. I dunno anymore. I want to run away and hide somewhere. Somewhere that’s not so cold and heartless. Sometimes I wish I was a butterfly because they are beautiful no matter what, never considered ugly at all. But I am. I have an ugly image, ugly heart, ugly life… making me not so desirable to others. Please don’t feel bad about the things I am saying to you. That’s not my intent. I don’t know what intent is, I just know that’s not it.
I hope that when you read this you are okay, not upset or sad, because I don’t want you to be. You two have each other now; I can learn how to walk alone. I have to. I guess I will never have any friends in my life. I always push everyone away with my bad drama.

And, I also want apologize for putting this all on the both of you. Don’t worry I’m not going to do anything to myself, in case you are wondering. I have to make myself better.

And, I tried messaging you Pam but you never responded…Oh well. I miss you both, Heaps.

I must go now tho. I am really tired and I have a huge dreadful day ahead of me tomorrow... Hugs and Kisses to you both

Always,

Chrissy

preventry nextentry