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(Titanic Dreams-}
{2003-03-30} {8:21 p.m.}
I found something today that I wasn't looking for. Inside my heart I really am okay. But on the outer shell I am falling apart. Fighting back the tears that want to fall; but I won’t let them.
Of course you never are what people expect of you when you meet them, but I always thought that a few kind words would be something of an appeal, as an alternative of pushing someone away. I can’t and won’t let you go even though you have moved on else where. I tried not to cry yesterday when you told me you were leaving, and I did really well on this end because you couldn’t see me. I consequently unexpectedly found you today and read what you wrote. I did not leave a memo or anything else because I didn’t want you to move again. I assure that I will never harm you again, and I am sorry that you thought that I was expecting too much from you. I had accepted you for who you are. I didn’t mean to make you think that I had put you up on a pedestal, because I didn’t. I don’t put people on a platform. I thought we had a connection, but I guess that I was mistaken, and I am sorry that I am one of the people that pushed you away. I am so sorry that I made you feel like you needed to hide from view once more. Maybe it was a mistake my discovering you. I thought that we had a special desire that we needed to feel to belong, but maybe I was mistaken about that too. I am not trying to hurt or make you feel any less inadequate because that is the last thing I would want to do to you. I feel like you have let me go, so what is there left of me to do? Try and hold onto what I wish I could have? That isn’t going to help me any.
I know it is hard to want to be friends with someone like myself, especially knowing that I am a bi-polar person. That doesn’t help very much, either. I am sorry I am the way that I am. I had hoped that along the way that we could help each other. I guess some where I had turned everything I made was a game… to play your game... and let myself down and cry. Tears will never know how much you really mean to me. Only I know how much you mean to me. I don’t even think that you know. When I told you that I loved you, you told me that you found it hard to believe. I wanted to cry at that very moment. Why is it so hard to accept me? I feel so unworthy of everything that comes my way. I hold onto things too tightly not allowing any freedom in between. And, in doing that I push others away or they run away and leave me behind.
I can’t make you believe the words I say to you, or make you care about me. It’s obvious after what I read today that you don’t want to care, and you are certainly at no particular place where you have to. I wanted to be a better person too. And, I thought that maybe you could help me, but I pushed you away and I am sorry that I lost the connection between us, that I thought we had. You are very different than anyone else. You are as beautiful as a flower, and I wish you could see what I see. [Tears]
I can’t fight back the tears any longer. They know my sorrow as I try to fight, but I can’t fight back the tears of grief as I think of the things I have done to make you leave. It was never deliberate, or premeditated. Please believe me. I know that after you read this entry you will probably never come back. I figured that much out on my own when I read your profile. I can see the people that you want in your life, verses the ones you don’t. Hence, therefore, me being one of them. I have accepted this, even though it hurts like a bitch. I realized that your were probably going out of your way to be extremely nice to me yesterday telling me that I could email you and what not; but I don’t know why I feel like it wasn’t exactly right. Maybe it’s just me and I’m reading more between the lines that expected. But, still I am not going to hide my feelings. This is what a diary is for isn’t it?
Inside I want to keep you with me for all time, but on the outside something says to let go. Me and my Titanic dreams. I have a knack of building my own hope up, but always manage to sink below the Earth’s surface. Touching the murkiness that lies beneath me. Sinking steadily, faster and faster… I truly am sorry for what I have done to you. I hope that someday you will come back and be my friend again..
[Sighs]
-Titanic Dreams Sinking-