Don't speak. Let me in.

(Flowers in the Attic-}
{2003-03-29} {11:46 a.m.}

"Everything has been figured out, except how to live."

I know you are trying to figure out the title to my entry. But don’t worry it will explain itself before too long.

I was up in my room last night just laying there thinking about so many things. There was me, my kids, Synthia and the possibility of moving down to Georgia to be closer to her, my caseworker, my ex, and so many lost friends from my past. I never knew that I had lost so many people in my life. I realize now why Andrea meant so much to me. I actually had known her the longest besides Lois. But, Lois was never really a friend. She was more of a mother figure to me in my life. She did at one time guide me, until she became over controlling and wanted to take over my whole life... As I was lying there I missed the old days. When Lois and I would hang out and talk and laugh and just have fun. Those days really are gone tho. Part of me still tries to hang on to her. But I don’t want to. I want to let her go, like I have Andrea. I finally let Andi go about 2 weeks ago. I cried as I realized that things between her and I will never be the same as they were. I miss our days of late night driving and getting high till the wee hours in the morning. We did it so often that it actually became a routine for the two of us when she would come to town, when she was in college. But I can only hold onto the past and remember the good things; as my heart breaks into a million pieces over the loss of one of the greatest friends I have ever have. Thinking about her now even brings sweet tears of sorrow. Our days together were beautiful. I hope as I move on in life I won’t forget about her. I am sure she will forget about me tho. I was talking to her sister in-law yesterday. Jessica really is a sweetheart and treats me with respect. She was telling me how much Andi has changed because of the influence of people more or less around her now. I am happy that she has found someone. It’s great. But I don’t know. Like, she totally didn’t have to end our friendship over a phone call. The more I thought about me and Andrea the sadder I got. I finally went downstairs and hooked up with a few alcoholic drinks. I was doing pretty darn snazzy there for a little while.

Then I had to go to bed. Oh well. I did try to sleep tho. You would think that being somewhat of being smashed would have made you pass out. But, no… not me. Maybe I am a clumsy drunk too.

Anyway, moving on…

I went back to taking my medication last night. I knew there was a reason why I didn’t like it. I didn’t wake up until about 10 minutes ago. It’s 11:30 now. I went to bed at 11pm. I haven’t slept that long in ages. I hate it actually. Because by the time I get up and come downstairs my house looks like a tornado pit. And, here I am once again cleaning like always with absolutely no help. Why do my kids push me like they do? They know I will get pissy and yell. And they hate it when I yell. So, why do they do it to begin with?

Ahhh they make me wanna scream and pull my hair out. They cook but don’t clean. It’s not because they can’t. It’s simply because they have no manners. They are all going to grow up into lazy adults. Well, enough of that. Back to my entry …

I was thinking about my childhood today. I don’t really miss it yah know? I was abused my whole life. From being sexually abused from the ages of 5 to 7 to being physically abused my whole teenage life, I guess I fall short of seeing anything significantly important. I was never shown love or taught how to love like I should have. Therefore I craved what I couldn’t have. And now I have so many people on the net that actually value me and it’s just not anything I am used to at all. When people tell me they love me I am like “Oh Okay, and you’re a liar too.” Not that they lie, it’s just me. I am not used to anyone loving me at all. But in the back of my psyche there is soo much love that I had captured and kept buried. I question why it’s messing with me now. [I think it’s trying to break free, wanting me to be happy for the first time in my life.]

So I wait and I try to pass the time with out wanting to give into hopelessness. I hate the feeling of misery. The despondency of it all makes you just wanna give in to your worst nightmare.

But somewhere behind the mask that hides my fears I manage to pull through yet another dreadful day. From beginning to end I fight with my feelings of wanting to disappear, looking off in the background to see how many people would gather to come to my funeral. I know that no one would. For I am me; and I AM alone. Alone with old wounds, and masochistic scars from the past as they extend beyond my veins. All I have is a blemished heart, discolored with bruises from my past.

[Sighs]

I wish I was like everyone else.

Although I hang onto the images of my past, as they linger from time to time in the back of my mind, I can still smell the new blooms of Spring as I get ready to enter a new day of things to come. Flowers in the attic... yeah…What a beautiful entry name.
Sifting through my past is like rummaging thru an attic smelling old flowers that once had bloomed tears of happiness. But now droop with sadness.

-Melancholy-

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