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diaryland
(Hey Tasha-}
{2003-03-23} {2:03 a.m.}
It is only I; Chrissy. You're little pea in the pod [laughing]
I have a few things to say okay??
>>>>Your diary gives me hope in my own. You are special, even though I know you don't believe me, fuckin believe your words are diamonds to the heart, please write me soon. I do care. Your diary makes me want to scream. Your soooo... good at showin your feelins, I love it.:)
Suprise! Sluprise! I do believe you. Even though it is hard for my little heart to soak it all in, I truly do believe you. I so am not used to any compliments like yours. Never knew that my words meant so much to someone. Other than Syn. Ahhhh she makes me wanna scream. I love her soo much and yet I just wanna cry. I never knew that I could love someone so much, especially after an abusive marriage and having people hurt me so badly over the years. I put up a wall of stone around my heart.. I don't know how Synthia did it but she broke down my walls. I never knew what real happines was other than the birth of my children. I have never loved another female the way I love her. I was always taught that it was sin. I was so afraid to admit it even to myself for fear of being rejected. But I finally told her and She revealed her secret to me as well. She loved me also. If I could tell you how much she means to me I would in a heart beat. But sometimes you just can't express yourself when feelings run so deep. Yah know?
I hope you don't mind me writing to you in here. I thought it was time for a little more in conversation for the two of us. I took it that when you said write me soon, you meant by anything. So here I are honey. You asked me to help you write. That means alot to me, but don't discredit all of your hard work either hon. Your fingers have been blessed as well. Your words lift me up, too. You have soo much talent. Don't put yourself down by not recognizing your own inner abilities. Your last entry/poem meant more to me than you know. I could relate to it so well. You left me feeling breathless and in a daze. For real. I love your writing. Your words compell me to do better with my own writing. As well as Pammie. I adore her writing. Since I started talking to the two of you I have been able to see alot more better things in myself. Funny how we as our own individuals don't see ourselves as anything until we hear it from someone else. It then becomes more meaningful to be someone, and move up another notch on our own depressing status to become better. Diamonds to the heart eh? I do believe that is the best compliment I have ever heard. When I read that I was copmpletely floored. You blew me away. I was like Wow! OH WOW! I only just begun writing in my diary last summer. Never knowing where it would take me. I have seen myself happy, sad and extremely depressed. I can't even go back and read all of my old entries. I did try once. I broke down crying. I never knew how much I really hurt until I read it for myself. I have since then shut off that part of my life.And, now I am trying to push forth into a better tomorrow. Synthia "completes" me.I can be anywhere and be in a world of complete and utter bliss. It amazes even me. I never knew that someone could love me so much; even as much as I craved it. I just never expected it to come true. The night that she told me how much she loved me, I could have just died in her arms. I keep looking for the day when I turn around and she won't be there. Who would have thought that someone like me could have come to a point like this. I try to be discret but then I just keep it all in. And, here I am again revealing another fantasy. She makes it so easy, and makes everything I say and do feel right. I never want to lose this feeling I have. She makes me feel so......alive. Every time I have a new dream about her I am so overwhelmed by all of the emotions coursing through my veins. And, then I hate it because I can't be with her. I have cried a few times. This feeling of love is just so Ahhhhh damn wonderful and yet so fascinating. It amazes me how she chose me. Me. I always considered myself as a nobody and completely worthless of any love. I had lost every friend known to man. Just recently losing my best friend of 2 years last month. It broke me and I just wanted to die. My inner faults were beginning to resurface again and then comes along Synthia and she just blew me away. I was like Whoa! Did she just say that she loves me? I was confused and scared all at the same time. But as we began talking more I knew the feelings I had for her were real, and wasn't a crush. I fell so deeply in love with her. And, if I lost her now I would die. Literally. I can't and won't lose this feeling inside that she gives me. I wake each day breathing... feeling so alive, and it's all because of her. How can you love someone so much yet hurt so much at the same time? I don't get it. I have been trying to figure it out, but I can't. Maybe it's just because I don't want to. Am I scared? Hell yes I am. Everyday. And, when I don't get to talk to her, it feels like my whole world is crumbling. I find myself thinking and pondering if she is falling out of love with me, and then realize that isn't the answer at all. I am just impatient with my feelings. And, desperatley want to be with her.
And, Synthia I know you are reading this [I am glad that you are] Now you know how much you really and truly mean to me. This is the first time I have talked about you this much in detail to another person. I hope you're not upset by it all, and flattered instead. I love with you sooo much intesnity it hurts. I don't want to lose you. Ever. You have me in the palm of your hand, just waiting and wanting. Waiting for you to come along and enter my life in person, and wanting you to be with me as I want to be with you. Did you know that when I write about you I drift off into a place that's just for me? No one can ever take that away from me. You are my EVERYTHING. I missed you today. Thoughts of you kept me occupied and extremely happy. I even found myslef in my room with you, and only you. Sharing once again a special moment with you; that only you know about.
Wow... all of this emotion. What's a girl to do? I know what I do with it. And hopefully someday soon you will let me share that with you. But eh it's getting really late now and I must trail off to bed. Hence I only started typing all of this a half hour ago. But It is too emotional for me to handle and I need to be alone. Alone with you. In my own little world. I love you..always.
-Breathless-