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diaryland
(The dark side of Heaven-}
{2003-03-23} {8:53 a.m.}
Now moving on.....
Yes, I had a delicious dream, but for some reason this one meant more to me than the others. I woke up crying and I couldn't stop. All of the deepest emotions that I have been hiding deep inside finally released themselves. And I just laid there with tears rolling down my face. I couldn't and didn't even want to open my eyes. I was seeing myself with her in a place filled with SO much gentleness and taste from deep with in our hearts that I just began to see myself descend so hard. What do I mean by taste? Well, see it goes like this: I can taste the depth of her soul every time she lays a kiss on my lips, my face, my neck, my back. I drink in every ounce of her that I can get. The sweetness that she carries is like drinking in honey. Like syrup to my soul, my heart feeds off of it. Dripping with ruby red blooms my heart expands more and more in every deep thought process. I have found myself in my dreams doing things that I could never have imagined in real life. I then begin to feel immature for falling in love with the most beautiful person I think God has created for me. Don’t get me wrong. I am so devoted to her. As badly as I want to get laid [ha ha] I won’t. I feel as if I would be cheating on her. Are we an Item? I don’t know. I think so. I hope so. I dream it, so why can’t it be real? Why does my heart ache so badly when I dream about her? The heat that seers my body; flowing through my veins tells me that my love for her is true. I never even felt this kind of emotion for my husband, when I was married. Not even in the very beginning. I was just a young dumb ass teen that ran away from an abusive home, with a chance to be with someone. The first time that we had sex didn’t even mean anything to me. I just wanted to know how real sex felt between two people. It should have been the highlight of my life getting laid. But it wasn’t. Why you ask. Well, it wasn’t love. He didn’t “Make love” to me. It more or less was a pity thing I felt. But I got pregnant and stayed with him…for almost 15 years. I could never make myself love him the way I love Synthia. Was I not capable of loving someone then? Was I bi-sexual then and didn’t know it? I don’t ever remember having any feelings for girls as a teen. Probably because I was abused my whole life. I didn’t know what love was. It was never taught to me like it should have been. Am I a late bloomer? [Perhaps] I close my eyes and sigh a lot as I wonder myself. I try and figure out all of these emotions as Synthia makes passionate love to me in my dreams. Only waking to find her gone. It is then that I have to roll over and stare at a blank dark wall in my room as I let the tears roll pass my cheeks onto my pillow. Sadness seeps through the very core of me when I wake up from each dream, even though she leaves me breathless. Waiting, and wanting more. Not able to keep my mind off of her. I still suffer from within. Is this kind of tenderness heart ache normal? I know what love is.
[Crying]
Synthia? Are you there? What are you thinking? Today I came upon an angel. I tapped her on the shoulder. When she turned around it was you. I might be sexy to you, I might be sweet, but without you I’m incomplete. Sometimes we must get hurt in order to grow; we must fail in order to know. Sometimes our vision is clear only after our eyes are washed away with tears. Being with you is like falling through a deep dark hole, but in that hole I find something special. … A treasure to behold. Close your eyes and dream of me tonight when you’re sleeping. I could only pray that your emotions for me run Just as deep.
I feel like I am on the other dark side of a dream. Beauty finds me and makes me weak. Caressing me. You are making love to me in my mind when I am awake, dreaming or sleeping. I just wish that when I wake up you would be here holding me so it didn’t feel so false. Where were we in my dream this time? Ha in a place where clouds drift by and you feel like you’re in Heaven. The sunlight pouring in all around us. Angel’s wings flicker by as we kissed madly. Enveloping me in a world; that was not known to me. It was beautiful, sweet, and luscious. It was you I was into. I felt every emotion in your body sting with excitement every time you touched me. Wakening me from whence what was lifeless. Bringing me to another veracity, as always. This dream was different from the others. I can try and explain it if you like, but it might come out sounding queer. Yes I said that word again.
I remember lying on a blanket of clouds as you looked deep in thought as you looked into my eyes. The love was so intensifying. Even my heart couldn’t recognize it. You were off in another place and time. Singing kisses on my lips as you shower me with passion. The founding of your love making always leaves me breathless. Craving you and wanting more. Like a light rain fall you kissed my body [I caved] and increased every part of my being with more exhilaration. Hormones on fire and raging I said to you “Why do you love me so?” And you said to me “If you haven’t figured it out. I will just have to show you once more” And you took me and held so close to you that I could feel your heart beating like a thousand drums. I looked into your eyes and saw so much love and burning desire that even I didn’t know how to react. My heart was racing as I could feel the impact of your love making intensify upon my skin. Ravishing me from every corner of your mind, I gave in and gave you all of me. Singing your name in harmony you took me a place I had never been before. Unlike all of our other encounters in my dreams, this one dream was just spectacular. As I write about it now, I feel like I am in that dream all over again. I am breathless, speechless. Unworthy of any words at all.
As we were making love an Angel came and spread its wings around us. It was so beautiful. Ahhhhhh! You make me scream for joy. The beauty behind those wings was more than I could ever imagine. Glowing; yet so peaceful. You could hear the music in the backdrop. A harp was playing so magically. It was a mysterious feeling that just can’t be described. I closed my eyes and my heart started racing and I said “Is this real?” And you said “It’s so real that when I kiss you my heart is on fire” I cried and cried as I lied in your arms. You said to me “Why do always cry when I make love to you Chrissy?” And I turned to you and said these words to you “You are everything and when I am with you, you make me feel so alive. Your love making means so much to me. I only wish I could make the same kind of passionate love to you” And, you said “Do you think that you don’t?” And I said “I don’t know Synthia. I wish I knew” And you took me once again on a cloud of lust as you set my heart afire. Spiraling in to a realm unknown I drifted off only into you. My body stinging like a zephyr, the gentle wind of you caressing my soul sent me into an orgasmic rhythm of pleasure. Happiness, joy, bliss, and delight enchanted a song upon me only you know of. We resonate in the realm of our love making for hours. Arousing me wildly with pleasure for endless hours I became yours for all eternity. I wished that I could stay in the dream for ever. But I woke up aware of my surroundings. I glanced at the clock reading 6 30 am and sobbed as tears fell from eyes. When can I come home? So you can set me free-
-Selfless and confused-