Don't speak. Let me in.

(The mirror-}
{2003-03-15} {8:45 p.m.}

Dear Diary-
I hope all is well. I miss you. [Sad heart] I only smile when I'm talking to you.
I wrote another entry today,sweetness.. yes, yes I called you sweetness beacuse that's exactly what you are to me. Sugar to my heart and soul, and sweetness upon my ears. I love you diary.
Why do I always do that? Meet people that are younger than me? Get attached to someone and want them closer to my heart; only to end up breaking my own heart by pushing them away? I want to know what it feels like to be loved, and I am getting that new feeling of "love" with you. But damn; you're so far away. It's not like we live right around the corner from each other. I wish I wish...
But, my wishes won't come true. They never have; probably never will. It's not as if I put my expectations too high. I don't, because I always fail. I have failed my whole life. Sometimes I just want to dissappear. I get so tired of crying because of my failures. I failed at having kids cuz I had them way to early and I didn't get to live my life the way I had intended. I failed at my marriage. I failed at my friendships.
Reflecting on things is a bad habit I can't break. I just don't know what's going to happen next. I don't wanna give up, but everything is killing me. And, no matter how hard I fight it all, it just won't die. My past has such a hold on me. I can't hide from it, or runaway anymore. I have been running for so long, I finally realized that it doesn't matter how you run; you're past will always catch up to you.
I do my best to block the view, but it's just like my past can see right through to the heart of me. I'm growing tired of looking in the mirror that sees the things that it only wants to and not what's actually behind the mask of my smile. I'm trying to move on. I am surprised at how well I have survived. I hold my breathe to forget; but I only end up lying around crying at night. Everything hurts so much. I'm tired of looking back, cuz it's hurts so much and it's killing me.. Why does everything hurt so much? I wish it didn't. I feel me going down. I had a baby at 17 and my mother never did forgive me. And in highschool the kids treated me so wrong. What happened to those happy days? I'm trying to hold onto to what I believe in, but I'm tired of being told that I am wrong. Trying to weigh the tears and hope. It's too much.
[I turn to the mirror on the wall]

Mirror mirror on the wall-

Why do I fake happiness?
Why does everything feel so wrong?
Stop looking at me, pretending to make me look happy.
Can't you see through to my heart, and see the pain that's seering my soul?
The pain is cutting me like a razor.
I'm tired of waking up every morning to your sweet face.
Do you know how much I miss me?
Always-
In your eyes I can still see the one who really loves me.
And there ain't no way I'm letting you go now.
Cuz I'm keeping you for ever and always
I wanna wake up every morning to your sweetface
I'm keeping you forvever and always
Forever I am in your arms-
I wish I could be the way I wanna be

Mirror says:

No it's worth it. Don't be obssesed C'mon give it a rest this is not some kind of contest. Nobody's perfect. Be the way you want to be.Dream, scream and just get to know yourself, and be everything that you can be. Your dreams will unchain your heart. It's there, if you dare. I'm apart of you, and you're apart of me. If you can find her, then you can free her. Let go of your unleashed memories, and flow with her. Ler her take over, or just get to know her. And when you find her, She will unchain your heart.

Mirror mirror on the wall-

Give me a good reason why.
I hate to be downer, but I don't want to come back here. I can't hold it in. I no longer have a heartbeat. I can almost feel your embrace. But,it's been too long-

[Cries and walks away]
[Strange how you make me feel alive and want to breathe.]

preventry nextentry