(Admissions-}
{2003-03-15} {4:58 p.m.}
She sat there crying, as the words hit her heart. Stabbing like a thousand knives. Uncontrollably she starts sobbing. "Why is she so cruel to me?" She says to herself.
"You're not the sweet person you used to be. What happened to you? You don't care about anyone but yourself"
"That's not true. Just because I don't come over here and do things for you doesn't make me an evil person. You're so mean to me"
"I tell you the things I tell you because I love you, and you're my family"
"Rather you want to hear it or not, I am you mother. I'm the only one you'll ever have."
The woman shouted out to her. Her anger showing through as her words hit like venom. The young womans heart broke to a million pieces. Suddenly before her eyes what she saw as a great friendship fell to the ground. All of the strength she had left was taken away. The woman was breaking her heart, and making her weak. So many times she had gone through this. The pain was beginning to become too much. She could begin to feel her life slip away.
"I have a mother, and it's not you!"
"You just don't get it, do you? You need to get a life and go back to the person you used to be."
"Oh? And just what is that? Me, kissing your ass, being your slave? I won't do that anymore. I told you. You can't make me."
"I can make you do whatever I please. You're my family now. And this is my family."
"Well, if this is how you treat your family. I want no part of it! You're killing me inside."
"You need to grow up!"
"Act your age; and be a wife and a mother."
You could hear the anger in her words as she shouted. The woman just sat not uttering a word. Just silence. She knew she was defeated. There was no use in fighting. Her life was nothing. It had become a meaningless black hole. With her heart ripped to shreds she leads herself out the door.
"Don't walk out that door. If you do, it will be that last time you ever do."
The young woman walked out the door, and walked herself home. As she climbed the stairs to her apartment she couldnt help but wonder how she ever got here. I thought she said she loved me she kept running the words over in her head. She opens the door to her apartment, and goes to her room and lies on the bed sobbing. Depressed thoughts run through her mind about ending it all. She gets up and grabs a bottle of pills. Slowly she reads the contents of the items. She sees that there is enough caffeine in each pill that she knew if she took them they would give her a heart attack. Slowly she swallows about fifteen pills. Now scared to death she sits and waits, for her life to end. She knows that she cant make it through another day.
Somewhere in the distance she can hear the telephone ringing. She gets up to answer it, and its her again.
"Hello?"
"What are you doing?"
"None of your business. Leave me alone."
"Well. I just won't"
"I don't have time for your crap, anymore. Just stay away from me. I hate you." And, she slams down the phone. The woman sits down at the end of her bed and sobs violently. Shaking uncontrollably, she says to herself, What have I done? Oh my God. What have I done?
Silently she lies on her bed waiting for what was to come next. She could begin to feel her heart race and the impact of it made her nauseous. She started to get sick. But she refused to get up.
"Chrissy? Are you there?" "Open the door!" "Chris! C'mon open the door!"
She could hear the words, but she still refused to get up. Somewhere between unconsciousness she opened the door.
The woman walks in and shouts at her "What are you doing?"
Chrissy replies, "What do you care? You're the one who did this to me."
"I just want to die so I don't have to be miserable anymore."
The woman looks at her astonished with her mouth gaping open. After the shock she sat down and told Chrissy she was sorry. "But, it's too late for you to apologize. You should have done that a long time ago."
"You hurt me, and killed my insides; and now I want nothing to do with you. I can't stand to be five feet in front of you. Look what you did to my marriage and look what you're doing to my kids. I absolutely hate you.. Why can't you just go away and leave me the hell alone?!"
The woman sat there and cried and Chrissy didnt even care anymore. Now for once she would know how it feels.
"I love you. I don't know what I would do with out you."
"You don't love anyone but yourself! Please. Don't sit there and try to justify yourself to me. You're nothing to me. I once looked up to you. You took advantage of me and broke me and made me weak."
"Now I hope you can live with yourself knowing I've taken fifteen pills. You have treated me like crap for 6 years and I just can't take it anymore. I want out."
Chrissy started to get real sick and ran to the bathroom. Being sick was not what she wanted. She just wanted it all to end.
Hours and hours passed and all she did was get very sick. Drinking gallons and gallons of water, she desperately tried to flush the venom from her body. Hours continued to roll by and she had no clue what was going on around her. All she could see was faces and hear voices. Nothing seemed real. Shadows and faint noises was all she heard; nothing but images. She felt like she was in some kind of time warp watching her life pass before her eyes. All she could think to herself was "Where is my Angel? Where is my light?"
preventrynextentry