Don't speak. Let me in.

(Cast....}
{2003-03-10} {10:14 a.m.}

Friends-

To walk within the lines that make my life what it is, is to walk one step behind my friends. I seem to live behind the shadows of my friends and think very little of myself. Every once in a while I will get some kind of gratification within myself. I seem to have a habit of losing myself in my own world of defeat. It's not actually all that though. I have actually had a good life with my friends, except one. My friends are my life. I would die for my friends. They are everything to me. But, sometimes what you feel for a friend isn't always returned the way that you would want it to be. You could live in a single moment just to feel that one moment that would last you a lifetime.
I was able to receive that opportunity. But, I took it too far. I somehow crossed the line between fate and realism. I know what was real and what wasn't. I tried too hard to make that one special person love me, and I broke her spirit. And, in doing that I broke mine. She was the most caring wonderful sweetest person I have ever known. I miss her dearly. But, you know how it is when you just try too hard to make something right. No matter how hard you try, you just can't go back to the beginning. If only it was that easy. Everyone would have an awesome great friend, like I did. No one could ever replace the great kind of friendship we had. I can never go back and tell her how sorry I am. I did so many things wrong. Hopefully, someday though I pray that somewhere deep in her heart she can find a way to forgive for all of my wrongs.
Days are really all we have to live by.
With our values, and not so good morals. We want to teach each other everything, and actually have nothing to gain. If we took one moment everyday to sit back and look at ourselves, this world would be a great place. No fighting, no wars. Everything would be splendid. But that's really not life is it? And, I think that's why God created friends. Friends are what help our days better and lives complete.

Me-

I am a 33 year old mom. And, at most times I hate it; but at other times I love it. Being able to share my deepest emotions is just a thing I do. I have a tendancy to lose friends, or hurt people without knowing it.I'm not that smart, I just know that it's been done to me before... not with guys per say; but, with friends, and it still hurts when I think about it.I am trying to let go of my past, and move on into the future. Somtimes it is hard for me to let go....I get held back because of my own fears. I can't step up to the plate and knock my past into the oufield. Everything keeps hitting the out of bounds line.

I feel like I am on a constant uphill struggle with my life. I want to let go of the "bad" and get on with the "good" But, for some reason I seem to be stuck. Since I have started writing in my diary, I have been able to do alot better in some areas; but, still not so good in the ones that hurt the most.
I hope that as time goes on I will be able to let go of

Lois- a.k.a [Bitch] I hate..(ex landlord/friend)

I met Lois about 10 years ago in the summer of 1994. She was at that time the sweetest person ever. We hit it off really well and were more like mother/daughter. After about the 3rd year she became a control freak and was starting to ruin my marriage. She would always have a "bitch session" with me and even as I tried to walk away, she always made me sit there and listen to it. Didn't matter how cruel she was, or how much she hurt me inside...she was happy. 2 Years ago in September I ended our love/hate relationship. I had to. She was killing me and when the day came along that she told all of her tenants about what had happened to me when I was a little girl...I almost killed myself...I knew it was time to let her go. I ended our so-called friendship an she became even worse. Once even tried to evict me over a cigarette.(crazy) Now, she's just all alone and sad and I really don't want to care. But, still I do. I'm just not the hating kind of person. Hate is such a sronge word. I moved out of state 3 times because of her, but I always came back when she needed me. But, now I just can't forgive her; but, I don't hate her. I just don't like the things she does. That's what she gets for crapping on people. I once told her that she was going to die a lonely person..so, far I have been right.

Samantha-

My 14 year old daughter who is now currently an ex cheerleader. Thinks she owns the world. Always wants to have things her way. Gets pissy when she can't. We have the best relationship. We're more like sisters rather than mother and daughter. She never does her chores and always wants her way..just like a teenager, but it doesn't happen. She is currently going through SATP (Sexual abuse treatent program), like her younger brother and sister. She hates our family caseworker, as well as the others. She wants to be a psychologist when she grows up..:D **beams proudly**

Steven-

My 13 year old son I never talk about in here. Mostly because he's never home for me to make a comment about him. He's usally never home and spends all of his time with his friend John, or Denny. He likes to play around and make fun of people. Has the best sense of humor. Wants to be gangsta **laughs**

Heather-

My 11 year old daughter. She has gone through alot of suffering in her life thus far. At 3 she severed the perenial nerve in her left leg and couldn't walk for 2 years. She is currently going through SATP treatment for being sexually abused. She is having a really hard time. I try and be there as much as I can even though I am going through just as much. She is on the honor roll at school..not to brag, nor does she. She doesn't think it's a big deal. She just loves school. I hope and pray that she will be okay soon. I just know that it's not possible, until all of "this" is over.

Jamie-

My 9 year old son. I really don't have too much to say about him, he's the baby in the family. He basically gets what he wants. At 3 he was struck by a motorcycle. Was in ICU for 2 weeks...afraid that he wasn't going to make it. He is currently also going thruogh therapy. He's flunking 3rd grade and has a really hard time with everything. He's the sweetest kid I know (in my family, that is) He pretends to be shy, mostly because he doesn't like to get into trouble. I don't know what he wants to be when he grows up. He never talks about it.

Andrea/Andi-

Andrea is and always will be the greatest person that has ever entered my life. Even though we aren't friends at the moment. She came into my life and helped me with sooo many things. Helped me stand strong and head fast.I never would have been able to end the love/hate thing between Lois and I if it wasn't for her. Andrea currently is working at the courthouse,for a partner of the State's Attorneys office. She has a degree in pyschology, but wants to be an architect. She always seems to have high expectations for herself. But, never gets discouraged by anything less than what she puts before herself.I adore Andi, and I always will. But, just like everyone in life; she has issues. I somewhat tried to give her the freedom she needs to be with her boyfriend Todd, but she misunderstood the whole thing and ended our friendship. Someday we will be friends again

Jessica-

Jessica is Andi's sister-in-law. She has a heart as big as the ocean, but says she a real bitch in life. **laughs** She has been helping me with so much lately. I can't even think of how to say thank you to her. We have alot in common..we are both survivors of very hurtful things. She is a really great influence for me. I'm so glad I met her.

Paige/Paigeee-

I met Paige about a year ago on MSN. She is a 15 year old going through so many things at once in her life. Although we have a huge age gap between us, we also have a lot in common. She is like looking into the mirror image of a younger me. It breaks my heart. I try to be there for her, and she does the same for me.She is currently not able to be here at the moment. But, she will be soon. I miss her and *heart* her soo much!I am not at liberty to discuss her as much as I would like. I Just know that she is a really beautiful person.

Cyndi-

I met her a long time ago as well. But, our friendship didn't really hit off til about 3 weeks ago. She is a wonderful element that I have added to my life. She lifts me up when I am down, and makes me laugh more than anyone I know.She has a beautiful soul.And I *heart* her alot, too. I can't explain in detail how much everyone means to me. I get attached too easily. But once you start reading her diary, you will get attached too. It's all good. Reading about her is like Ooolaalaa!And, there I am waiting anxiously for the next entry. She really has a beauitful heart. I wanna be more like her! **giggles**

My Caseworker-

I hate her vehemently...enough said.

Nikki-

I met her a year ago on this site called called Winmx, in a chat room.She is totally awesome. And, I truly adore her. I can't really say alot about her in here,she will get upset.Sorry folks..

Gayley-

My sister in Christ. If I took the time to describe her to you it would take me day. There's nothing that I can't say about her. She is totally a beautifully unique individual.She has taught me alot about self control and how to forgive even the worst people in my life. I have learned so many great values since I have began talking to her. Like a butterfly in a cacoon, she's evolved into the most spectacular, beautiful person I know. Beauty grows from within, and works its way to the outside. To be like her would be a dream come true. I know thatI say thatI wish I could be like alot of people, and it'strue I do. If I could take one great quailty of each person I want to be; I would be the happiest person ever. Gayle is a wonderful person. She's my Guardian angel..for real. She watches out for me and teaches me somenay things. From releasing my sadness to being able to move on to better things. Wehn I am talking to her I am in my own little world. Nothing can get me down. I haven't had the opportunity to talk to her as much as I used to. She is a missionette and is soo busy these day. I can't tell you how much she means to me. I just know that she was sent to me for a reason.

Shawty/Naima-

I met her on Winmx as well. We didn't talk that much before but now we talk everyday. Like a guiding light she shines into my heart and can brighten me up at a moments notice. Love is a strong word, and often times it scares people away. I can tell her I love her and she knows exactly what I am saying. She doesn't get the credit that she deserves from others, and that pisses me off royally. She is the sweetest person ever. And why people crap on her is beyond me. No one gives her a chance, or an opportunity. I know the real Naima, and she is truly a beautiful person all around. I love her heaps and she knows it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, because I know who and what she is. And to me she's awesome! I love you Shawty!You are great hun!

Ella-

My angel ...what can I say about someone so young and thoughtful? I get all emotional and misty eyed when I think about her. I have known her the longest out of everyone...wow...tears come to my eyes. I just don't know what to say..she is so wonderful and sweet to me. I could never repay her for all of the wonderful things she has done for me.Happiness seaps from the very depths of my soul when I think about all of the awesome things she has helped me thru. For someone so young, she is so intelligent.I know that whatever she wants to be in life, she will succeed. If you have ever wanted to be friends with someone that never ever puts themselves first she is the one. She always makes time for everyone and she loves to make you happy, even when she is ather worst. She puts everything aside and makes time for you no matter what.I wrote a page on her in a book I was writing..I shall get it: More Than One Amazing Person: To have so many great people in my life is amazing to me. They all see so much in me and I see absolutely nothing but failure. To be able to have a person love and cherish you for the way you are is an amazing feat in itself. Sometimes I cant even put into words. My feelings run deep with each one of my friends. I often wonder where I fit in with my place in life, and when that moment comes along you know you always have that one special person to turn to. They are your security and comfort and always build up your self esteem. As many times as I have felt defeat I have this one special person to turn to. She has a gift and I just can't explain it. I love her so much and she does more for me than she will ever know. I know there isn't any way I could thank her for what she has given me. She has given me the ability to look further into the future and see what really lies ahead. And it's not at all what I thought it would be. Do you have that special person in your life that catches you every time you fall? Without them you just can't make it. Each time I talk to her she leaves me feeling breathless and having a better outlook on myself. The repeat her words to someone would be a moment to treasure. She has taught me that every moment in life is a little miracle. To have such a blessing in my life is like singing a new song everyday. Each time I thought no one would hear my prayers; she has always been there and has caught every tear along the way (and tells me to continue to dream.) When I felt so broken hearted I knew I was crying out when I met her and now I can never forget her and the impact she has had on me and my life. She's got that certain something that takes your breath away. And you just can't resist the love and tenderness she shares with you. When I am feeling alone and sad she is in my heart always taking me to that special place. When my tears are rolling down my face she is always there with a shoulder to lean and offers me guidance and reassures me that I am just as great as anyone else out there. She never has never turned away in my time of need. She has a special way of erasing my misery and gives me a reason to believe. I never knew I could discover the passion of life that she has shown me. I have learned that life is a beautiful thing no matter how much we let things get us down. She has shown me how to be stronger and a little more willing to be able to accept things in a better attitude other than thinking that everything is a failing test in life. To say to her what I would want the words would never come. She truly is an angel in disguise. Her love is like rain shining down from the sky. And when I have a restless feeling in my heart she says "I Love you hun" and the tears and fears are washed away. With out saying a word she can light up the dark. How God provided me with so many great people in my life is more than I could imagine. I have never thought such an awesome person really existed out there and to have her as my friend is more than I ever had. How do you find the words to say to the one who means so much to you to let them know just how much you truly cherish them? She has given me all that I could be, and it's something I will treasure and would never trade in a million years. I hope you can read between the lines of the words I can't describe. Sometimes you just say it best when you say nothing at all. Some things in life just can't be defined. If I had a choice to travel the roads I have traveled I would do it over and over again because she would be waiting for me at the end, and she would always welcome me with an open heart. Some things run deeper than the ocean and that's what this friendship is to me. I know that I am the lucky one. She may never know how much her friendship means to me but she will someday.

People seem to think I am crazy for having the people I have for friends but they wouldn't know what it means to have the friends I have. Until they are willing to open up their hearts and learn the true meaning of friendship they will never know what it means to share something so wonderful and great with someone. Sometimes I feel like as if shes all I need but we all need a lot of things in life. But just to have a friend walk beside you, and not in front of or behind you is more than everything. She embraces my life full of fears in a way she will never understand and I'm the only one who knows the pain I carry; but with her they are all washed away and I will always wait to see her glory shine through. I will always be waiting in the wings to receive her praise and let it pour over my misery and let me see the rainbow at the end. Always trust near to your heart the feeling of an awesome friendship and cherish it for it can never be replaced by another. Every wish I ever had has been fulfilled with her being by my side. Face to face she can help you embrace this place. From the mountain peaks she can lift you up as her praises kiss the sky. She will call out to you. She always has a special way to leave footprints on your heart, and leaves you knowing that you are a better person. When the crying from the hurting is gone, you will know she has called out to you. This is the only way I know to describe her to you. Hopefully someday you will find someone as deserving as I have.

**tears fall**

And, I am done-

Belle/Laura-

Have you ever met someone and felt like you had known them forever? Have you ever felt the friendship just click not knowing why? But know that there is something more powerful behind the doors of that friendship? There's a feeling deep inside of your body that just says wow. You can't explain it but you know the feeling is there. It's so unique and unexplainable, but yet at the same time it's the greatest feeling in the whole world. It sets your friendship apart from the rest. You know that it's meant to be special. God knows our paths in life and he has chosen our destiny. I really feel that there is a purpose to having a special bond is friendships. It is our success ladder to achieving our goals in life. That one special friend can be the meaning of your living and breathing. Your life lives on the words that your one special friend brings to you, and becomes such a part of your life. You can't explain the bond that you share and just let it grow. I met Belle about a year ago and it was as if we had known each other forever. From the first day that we met she's given me the best gift that anyone could ever give. She's given me friendship, she's given me love and support, and she's given me the chance to realize that life's difficult but definitely possible. She's helped me understand that being different is not a crime or bad, but a gift that remains unknown. She taught me that our society makes its mistakes and has its downfalls, but that nevertheless we're all on this earth to complete a task; and that task is to live life with great joy and to forgive, but not forget, the wrongs of others as we just do our best to be who we can be. I can't sit here and try to explain to you the feeling of gratification I have. It's just unexplainable. Some friendships are just that way. But at the same time I know deep inside that you carry deep emotions within you hoping and praying that the friendship never dies. We; as people think we know the meaning of friendship when we really dont. Each friendship has its own unique description and is never the same as another. I used to think the word friend was just another word. Now after having so many friends I know the real true meaning of "friend". A true friend is always there whether you're happy or sad. Do right or wrong. They never judge you and carry you when you're feeling weak. They make you stronger and teach you how to look inside the real you. They are there no matter what and support you. Belle is the greatest person I have ever met. To meet someone so young, and yet so full of life makes me want to achieve more in my life to be more like her. She has the heart of an Angel and never criticizes or judges you. She is always there to help and support you. Even when she is in the midst of her own crisis she doesn't turn away and say "Not today". She has proven herself time after time. I know she will always be there. I've become very close to my beloved friend. She's the kind of person that you look forward to seeing every day. She's the one you see walking the streets with the courage to succeed, with a smile as bright as the sun ...that's my friend, the wind beneath my wings.

Asha- [ASHA]

Pamela-

She is my favorite reviews person. From a former review person at blueroom reviews to [This]
I truly do love her! She IS my Inspiration

Melody-
I met Mel through here at Diaryland from a review that she did for me. She is the rock that keeps me standing in one place when I am down and in need of anything. She never turns away from anyone- she is always there to lend a helping hand. She's like the sister I always wished I could have- unlike the sisters I do have. We share a likeness for many things and even in the things we don't meet eye-to-eye on. She is truly awesome. If you want to know how I really describe her you will have to go here and read about her. Get to know her yourself. She really is the ture spirit of why I continue to hang on.
[It's funny how things change]
Synthia-
She's the one person I will always be connected the most to. She and I were meant to be. But not everything in life goes exactly to plan. I still write about her and think about her. You just can't forget someone when you love them that much.

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