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(Road to Nowhere-}
{2003-03-09} {2:29 p.m.}
Dear Pamela.
I read your entry hun....tears fall down my face as I write this. I know how you're feeling inside and trying so hard to fight off all of those crazed emotions. I am always finding myself depserately trying to cling onto something or someone to keep up as well. It is very hard, and difficult when you feel like you are all alone; even when you're really not. I can't explain the loneliness I get. As I read yur entry I was there; with you and feeling your pain. I have been where you are so many times it hurts. It hurts me even more to think about all of the pain I have put my children through. They saw me more than 3 times try to wash away myself from this wretched place. and, the lasttime I almost succeeded. I was in the hospital for 2 1/2 months with clinical depression, ended up being diagnosed as being Bi-polar. I have split personality disorders, severe manic depression, that term for post traumatic disorder and neurological crap too. Finding out that my children were sexually assualted almost ruined my life. I still have my moments tho. Often times I feel like I am lieing to myself and always tell myself that I am just as normal as the rest of the people out there in the world but I'm not. I do live in denial. There I finally admitted it. **sighs** Maybe the two of us can get together and kill the Elfin people and still their Elfin Magic *laughs uncontrollably* If I didn't make jokes I would have been gone already. Crazy how you have to take your worst moments and turn them around and laugh at them, even when you don't want to. I find myself laughing sometimes when I don't to. I only laugh because my friends make me laugh. I hate it when they make me laugh when I'd rather be crying my eyes out; dreaming of torturing myself in some aspect of relieving my pain, in a disorderly fashion. Everyone thinks they know what's best for me and they don't. I don't even know it myself. Give me a cheap bottle of wine and let me have my way...but, instead of all of that pain I just put the images of my past with pictures I see everyday in a dark cold lonely place, hoping that I won't find a way to re-open that dark and grey box. I can't stand to live life this way... I swear to myself so many times that I will change my ways, and it never happens. I haven't seen the sun shine in 3 damn days, and that doesn't help either. Seems like I need sunshine to be happy. I haven't cried in about a week. I did when I read your entry tho. I wonder how you are doing. Doesn't life remind you of an 8 millimeter camera? The camera only catches a few good glimpses of your life. And enhances on all of the bad. Zooming in on all of the bad lighting and re-creating the bad special effects on our lifes. Can I have someone else play my part? I'm tired of playing the role of myself. Fast forward it for me please, so I don't have to re-read the title "You don't mean anything to me". Wait...let's just stop pretending when they say we're nothing. Are you sad? Are you holding yourself? Are you locked in your room? You shouldn't be. Does your life ever remind you of the song Road To Nowhere by Ozzy? Mine does...
Hey Pamela I just wanted to tell you that I love you-
Chrissy