( Is it over yet?-}
{2003-03-08} {1:12 p.m.}
"Bye, Mommy"
"I love you"
Her mother leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. The little girl watched nervously as her mother walked towards the door. Sitting next to her father, she squirms feverishly to move away from him. He holds onto her little body not too tightly, just enough to where she couldn't go anywhere. You could see the fear and the tears swell up in her eyes, as she saw her mother walk away. Slowly she looked out the window and watched her mother drive away to her place of work.
The little girl turned around to watch television, and felt him move his hands to an unwanted part of her body.
"No, Daddy, stop. Please, dont"
"It hurts"
Her father moves in closer to her, and places his hand under her little frail body. She moves away frightened.
"Come, now. Daddy isnt going to hurt you"
"You scare me. You hurt me, Daddy"
"Honey, Daddy loves you. He would never hurt you"
"But, Daddy, please" The little girl softly cries, and places her hand over face in shame."Come to me and let me hold you"
She carefully moves towards him. The emotions in her body frighten and confuse her. She loves her father, but yet shes so afraid of him.
"Why?"
"Because Daddy loves you honey. And, Daddies like little girls. Come to me and I will show you"
She starts to cry in fear, and cowers. She falls to her knees and lays on the floor next her father crying. He gently picks her up, and carries her to her room. As he is carrying her down the hallway he tells her Im sorry honey. Daddy cant help it She puts her arms around his neck and tells him she loves him. She whispers in her fathers ear "It's alright, Daddy" And lays her head on his shoulder.He takes her to her room, and lays her down on her bed. Quietly he sits on the bed beside her and listens to her sob. Thoughts run through his daughters mind. She lies on the bed, and feels his body next to hers. She cringes in fear. She just wishes he would leave her in her room, and go away. He gets up and rises to his feet and sits down on the floor next to her. He looks into her eyes and sees the fear lurking over her. He goes to put his hand to her cheek and she moves away.
"Daddy, please" "Please, don't" "I don't like this Daddy. It doesn't feel right"
"Its alright, honey. I promise I won't hurt you"
Her father reaches for and brings her closer to him. She starts to shake, almost to the point of her legs giving out on her. She looks her father in his eyes and sees his love for her. But, she doesnt think its the right kind of fatherly love. His eyes are full of concern, and worry. But at the same time there was an evilness lurking behind his eyes. She looks to him and says "No Daddy. I won't do this"
He pushes the little girl to her bed and starts to put his hands on her body. She quivers and winces. She cries out in pain as he does the unimaginable. She closes her eyes and makes herself drift off to the black hole that keeps her company each time this happens. Someone who once told her he loved her and would care for her was now taking away her dreams. "Why is he doing this to me?", she says to herself. "Did I do something wrong, again?"
Whenever she runs from her nightmare, she sees just how she pleads for help. "Who can I tell? He will find out and hurt me even more. I have got to do something. I can't do this. It's breaking my spirits and my dreams", she says to herself. Wild thoughts run through her mind. Images of things and places she would rather be. A place filled with peace and rays of colors. Like a rainbow. She closes her eyes to the memory of the image and takes herself back. Far, far away she drifts off to a different place. Her world is filled with pictures of beautiful things. Things she remembers when she was a smaller child. She always had, always will. She knows in her heart she loves her father, but that makes it even harder to trust him. The trust they had is now gone. Promises broken and dreams shattered. All she feels is heartbreak. How could someone you looked up to your whole life shatter your dreams in just a moment? Her life was great up to this point a couple of months ago. Now her life goes by with a blur. Sweeping by so fast, like a ride on a roller coaster. Faster and faster the ride seems to go, finding no end in sight. She closes her eyes and squeezes them tighter. An intense feeling overcomes her body as she feels her father on her body. She cries out even louder. The tears are rolling down her cheeks as she wishes she were dead. The intense heat piercing her body makes her scream out in more pain. Her poor body starting to feel the convulsions as his body rips her insides. She arches her body away from him, he only pushes harder. She screams out in terror. Confusingly she cries out for her Mommy. He puts his hand over her mouth as she twists her head back and forth. She opens her eyes and sees the look of rage and disgust on her fathers face. Quietly she closes her eyes and sobs. She can see the look of his eyes burning in the back of her mind. The pain in her body is searing. Her little body stinging from the weight. He releases himself from her and makes her do even more unimaginable things. She hates herself for giving in. She is just a dirty little girl. She hopes and prays that he will end soon. She can no longer live with herself. Her self- esteem is being taken away. She hates herself and wishes her father were dead. He is making such a fool of her. Her father has no interest in her. She knows it for sure now. All of the times before she would come up with reasons to explain himself to her. He's just having a bad time. And he and Mommy are fighting. She wonders why all of the times before she never told anyone. Silently she sheds her tears of shame and her father continues to work his nasty deed upon her. She hangs her head in defeat. She knows she can't fight back. So, she continues to be raped by her father. Not just her body, but her soul too. She has no will to fight any longer.
She continues to cry and scream out for help. Suddenly she awakens from her nightmare. Sitting up in her bed she wipes the tears from her face. How did that happen? It's been so many years. She thought it was buried so far away. She sits there silently rocking her body back and forth, and quietly sheds the tears. The pain overwhelms her body and she starts to cry even more. Pain and memories wash over her body. She can't stop crying as she tries to bring herself together. She brings her thoughts together and realizes it was just a nightmare. Slowly she takes a deep breath and tries to be calm. After all he is gone now. He can't come back. Just his memory.
-I finally let it go- **cries**
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