Don't speak. Let me in.

(Do I really live in denial??}
{2003-02-23} {10:38 a.m.}

Yesterday Lois came over here n picked me up and I was like ugh!I went with her to Knoxville and she was talking to me about general stuff yah know.. and, then out of nowhere she turned it to me and Andi...**freaks**

I'm trying my best not to think about it and the woman starts harpooning me again

I don't understand her.. it's like she enjoys watching me hurt.. I just don't get her...I probably never will either.

For a woman that's 56 she acts more like shes 10... bringing up the past and what not, not letting things go.

She always wanting to talk about the past, which really irritates me cuz I want to leave in the past; that's where all of the bad belongs yah know?

I go to therapy every Monday and rash on her like no tomorrow; but, yet I feel like I'm hurting myself. I talk about my past, present, and future. I talk about Andrea and my life, my kids, and my family situations.

But, even in all of its aspect nothing changes. Andrea was right. I am stuck and can't move forward when things change. I wish I could..I just dunno...

Now back to Lois..

She was like you're losing all of your friends and I said what friends? I only had one. Andrea (real life- not internet) And she was like you're pushing them away..and, I was like yeah, and I know why. And, she said I do too; you lie too much. Even Andrea said that. And I was instantly angered.. I said to her, Andrea never said one thing about me lieing to her and I lost her cuz I'm too emotional and always take things the wrong way. And, she said, You blow things out of proportion and I was like yeah so? It's just something I do I guess, but that doesn't make me a liar. And, she said, But you're always saying she needs space... and I said, she does want space. And, she said No. You're living in denial...she ended the friendship. And I looked at her and said, Do I look stupid to you? I know that she ended the friendship. People ending friendships mean they want space away from another person, and besides she said "for now" So umm that means something totally different to me. And, I said You don't even know the context of my and Andi's relationship. Don't sit there trying to be all prim and proper and judge me when you don't know all of the facts. And she was like you're in denial.. and, I said, NO I'M NOT! and, she said that there was something seriously wrong with me. Hell.. I know that. I'm not stupid. I know I have problems and I'm scared about alot of things... past and present, and future.

I don't like to come across as being weak to others, so yeah in a way I put up a defense mechanism... my guard goes up big time; cuz, I have been hurt too many times and I won't allow it to happen again. The only person I never did that with was Andi. She was my guardian angel....

Sometimes you make a connection with a person and you want it to last forever... And when you lose that foreverness you're gone and spiraling down into a cesspool of pity.

I don't get depressed to gain attention...I'm Bi Polar... that is self explanatory.

Even though I try as hard as I do to fight back to win and gain my perceptiveness on things, some people and some situations just don't help and allow you to make that change. Like for me ... that's Lois...

She has alot of room to be talking about living in denial... she's the Queen of it... true meaning of the word.

We ended up getting into a huge fight and I clocked her one. ** sighs **

I get so disappointed in myself its unimaginable. That's one of my biggest downfalls, and I know it now. Re-reading Andrea's e-mail gives me the motivation I need to make the changes I need and move forward. And, yes I know it's sad that I had to open my eyes this way; but, she is right. It's the only way she can get through to me.

If it wasn't for Shawty and Ella I don't know where I'd be. I know that I can't remove myself from this world just b'cuz I lost the only real great friend I have ever had...but, it feels like it anyway. I feel like what's the use. What have I got to look forward to

Why do I even waste my time trying to be noticed as a good person.People label me and that's that. I don't reflect on it anymore. I used to get so bent out of shape when someone rejected me. But, I know now that's just a part of life... it happens and you have to move on.

Shawty and Jessica and Nikki have been my inspiration to move on and be a stronger person. It feels great to know that so many people still care about me.

Especially when I thought no one did...amazing how you can see things in a better light.

And, then there's Gayley.. my sister in Christ. She's simply amazing. and yeah... that's all I can say about her.

I don't know if I live in denial, or anything else. I do know that I look at things alot differently from others. I think that is the nature of everyone. No 2 people are alike. Everyone is there own person...and, life effects us all differently...

Well, that's all I have to say.I feel like I have been rambling on for eternity. I must go now and tend to my family..

*hugs to everyone*

preventry nextentry